slow burn in 2017

12:04pm

Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts.

I’d like to make them stop, but only if they stop because I’ve figured out what the heck I’m doing here.

I received a note on my last entry that I kinda wanted to address here. Just because I have a lot of thoughts on the subject.
Yes, I think it is pretty clear from what I’ve written that TF and I want different things. But my initial reaction was to defend the situation because I feel like I’m only saying certain things. I need to be honest about the fact that I have not ever been in an official relationship. I think that plays a huge role in this whole thing. He’s about a gazillion times more experienced than I am. He was in a long-term relationship, he has a kid, and he’s had at least one other relationship since then that I know of. Also he’s older than me. And it’s becoming pretty clear that I’ve lead a relatively sheltered life. I mean, just from reading y’all on here I can see that! Because things that I find quite shocking are actually pretty commonplace amongst this generation.

Anyway, I don’t think he knows any of this about me. We’ve certainly never spoken about it. We haven’t really spent enough time together in person, which is something I’d like to rectify, but I’m afraid of him trying to jump my bones if I get anywhere near him. ha! That guy needs to work on his self-control!

There’s a part of me though that feels like I’m pretty good at reading people and I just have this crazy weird gut feeling that he’s afraid of getting close to me. He’s afraid of what it’ll mean for us. Don’t ask me why I feel this way; I just do.
So we start to get close and then it feels like one or both of us sabotages it. Like we were doing really well, he came into the office, things went perfectly great, and then we got into another weird disagreement.

I sent him an email a couple nights ago after that last entry. Asked him why he hadn’t responded if he had time for surveys. He said, “I always have time for you.” Which apparently by “always” he meant only when he felt like it because I tried to get a response out of him and he ended up saying he was tired and going to bed. Ok. That was pretty shocking. I mean I get not wanting to deal, but that feels like one of those things that’s coming from the past. Like one of those aftereffects of a past relationship where maybe they fought a lot? I don’t know. I don’t know anything about him! [That’s an exaggeration, I know plenty, just not the juicy detail stuff]. I ended up making a comment about “always having time” having an expiration and that I don’t know why I keep coming back for more. Seriously. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I can’t quit this!

Yesterday afternoon I sent him another message: So, I’ve been thinking about it and I think you were probably right about us being total opposites in a lot of ways. Maybe that’s where the attraction comes from. It’s pretty clear so far that neither one of us really wants to let this go and yet we can’t seem to find a way to meet in the middle. I don’t know where to go from here? Any thoughts? I’d like to know what’s running through your head if you’d like to share..

We ended up picking up a friend and driving out to see my aunt for dinner yesterday. I had this amazing beer [Rebel IPA, which I’m not normally into IPA’s at all, but that thing was delicious!!] that put me in that perfectly relaxed state of life. We got home and I found his response. He’d sent it around 6:30ish and it really had nothing to do with what I’d asked, which he at least acknowledged, but was kinda disappointing. I said that at least it was better than no response at all, and I hoped I’d get a different answer at some point, and also I hoped he’d had a happy valentine’s day. Up until now he hasn’t responded. Which breaks my heart a little only because he didn’t even acknowledge valentine’s day yesterday and that’s totally my favorite holiday. I’m not going to let him taint it though! I assume he’ll wait until after work again to reply.

I woke up at 3am this morning and laid around unable to get back to sleep. I was just contemplating all the things I’d like to say to him. I want to get together in person and basically tell him all the things about me that I think are really important to our situation. There’s a part of me that thinks that if he knew all this stuff [like how my family/friends give me a hard time about having a space bubble, that the not sleeping w/him thing isn’t just a joke because I don’t want to, that I really enjoy being single and will only give that up for something long-term & committed, etc.] then we could solve all of our dilemmas. Or at the very least, actually decide if this is worth continuing or if we should go our separate ways.

I’d really like to work things out. I know I rant and rave about it, but I really honestly want to be with him. Only if we can get on the same page of course. Which I think we could if we hashed stuff out in person. Although our deal breaker will probably be if we can’t compromise on the physical connection front. I can only give in so much on that one and he’d have to respect that.

The thought of us not working things out, or ending this, crushes my soul. I can’t even contemplate the idea without feeling sick to my stomach or having a wave of depression wash over me. If this doesn’t work out I think I would need to find a way to make it a slow fade. To have it burn out slowly and quietly. Because I can’t handle it just suddenly being over cold turkey. I’d need time to get used to the idea. I’d have to bring myself to terms with it. And that could take a while. I think that would be the only way that I could keep myself from completely falling apart.

I don’t know. I’m just getting the thoughts out. Everything’s still basically in the same place as it was before, but I need to get the thoughts out of my head. Some day, I swear, I’m going to look back on this and laugh. Or have a big ugly cry about it. Not sure yet. We’ll see.

Time to get back to work.

rose.
2:14pm