around we go in 2017

2:07pm

I wasn’t planning to write again so soon but there is so much running through my mind. How do you people do this relationship thing? My gosh it’s been so complicated for me that I’m on the verge of giving up and spending the rest of my life alone.

Seriously. I’m not even in an official relationship either! We’re still trying to get on the same page. Ugh. It’s stressing me out though. Like I think about it and it makes me all queasy inside. I don’t even know why. I guess I just had this whole idea worked up in my mind and it got flipped on its head. I never, in my wildest dreams, imagined it would end up this way! Never, ever!

He’s such a dog. But I still want him. =\ It’s crazy. I might be conservative, but damn I’m not a robot. I can admit that there are plenty of things I’ve thought about doing with him that would not be appropriate to share at church. But I don’t want to talk about those things out loud. I wasn’t raised that way. It makes me uncomfortable, and he knows this, which is why it bothers me that he continues to say shit. I get wanting me in that way. I do! But don’t do something that I’ve already told you bothers me. Have a little self-control dude!

At the same time I wonder though - is this what it’s always going to be like?? The two of us arguing over stupid stuff. Terrible communication. Him being too bold and me being too reserved? And then I think about things like: what if he turns out to be controlling? What if he gets jealous easily? What if he’s not as easy going as he seems? What if he’s a real freak? What if he’s going to try to manipulate me into doing something I’m not ready to do?
These are all the things that are running through my mind right now and I do not know how to get them to stop! I don’t like being so uncertain of things! It drives me nuts.

I don’t particularly want to be having these thoughts about him either. I want to continue to think that he’s that nice, sweet guy who cares about his family and his son, and is loyal, and wants to do right in the world. But man, those comments made him seem like some low class jerk just looking to get laid. And I don’t know. This could be what the world is like now?!? I don’t get out much. I’m used to being around shy people. I live in a small town. I mean, we don’t even have a club so I have no idea if this is what all guys are like now. Maybe I’ve just been lucky up to this point to not have to deal with anyone like that. I guess?

At the same time I think about being with someone else. Like the guy that came in this morning. He’s the one that brought us muffins last year. And we get along so well. He’s easy to talk to, and joke with, and my old savior complex likes that he seems a little damaged from the war. I did his paperwork this year and since then I’ve talked to him 3 or 4 times on the phone and he stopped in this morning. We were talking for a good 15 minutes. Mostly work stuff with a slight dash of personal mixed in.
And I think about how easy that is. How well we get along. If we knew each other on the outside we’d probably be friends. [quick note: my e-stalking last year turned up a long-term girlfriend so this isn’t even an option. Although when I asked if he was married this year he gave one of those quick “no way! that’s not happening” kinda answers. So IDK?]

I think about that though. Moments like that with other people and all I wonder is why I can’t have an easy relationship like that with TF. Why can’t we just be friends for a while? Why can’t we sit and joke around over a couple of beers like JR and I do? Get to know each other first. Learn the ins and outs of our lives. Find out if he has all those personality issues that I would never be able to handle long term. I want to do all that before we jump into the physical aspect. Is that so crazy?! Am I the last woman in America that wants to wait to make out with a guy until she figures out if it means anything long-term? I mean, come on! I can’t be the only one, can I?!

We had a quick e-mail exchange this morning. He finally responded a little after 9am saying that he thought the issue was his face. ? That was a strange response. Not sure if he was trying to get sympathy from me. Is he that insecure? Because it sure as heck doesn’t seem like it!
I replied, “If by that you mean the words that sometimes come out of it, then yeah I agree. Other than that I don’t know what your face has to do with it?​” And he said “you’re quick” because yeah. I thought about telling him I liked his face, or there was nothing wrong with it, but nah. I’m not here to make you feel better when I feel disrespected. I need you to say you’re sorry, not look for compliments from me. Or whatever that was. I still don’t know.

I ended up telling him that I knew I was quick and that I got the sense that he wasn’t used to a girl like that. He said, “I’m not use to girls at all.” Uhh.... hmmm.... I asked him to clarify that around 10:30 this morning but I haven’t heard anything else.
That’s such a strange comment. My mind goes a couple different ways. Like is he trying to say that he only deals with women not girls? Because ok. Those are pretty interchangeable, but maybe he thinks replying will offend me. He is pretty old in comparison. But my mind also wanders to like, what if he’s not into girls? lol. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten that vibe from him, but damn you never know these days.

Man I lead such a sheltered life. I can’t decide if I want to get out there more to explore and discover all the craziness of the world, or if I’d rather just sit here and continue living my nice quiet life of innocence. I know everyone says it’s bad, but seriously ignorance is bliss to me. I like having my head buried in the sand because then I don’t have to deal with shit like this. My life tends to stay relatively carefree and easy. I don’t worry about much anymore and I don’t have to end up writing 3 dozen entries on the same subject because I can’t decide if I’m doing the right thing or not.

Do I stay or do I go? Part of me thinks I should cut losses and just wait and see what else is out there. I’m not really in a hurry. Maybe the universe has another plan for me. That’s how it feels right now. But at the same time, I think about doing that and I can’t imagine ever letting go of him. I can’t imagine not speaking to him again. I can’t exactly picture life without him in it anymore. So I work myself back into this cycle and I’m stuck again.

Why did life have to get so complicated? Why are people so complicated!?

rose.
6:47pm

[ha. so I just posted this, went over to my work stuff to see if we’d gotten any new surveys, saw one new one, read the comment that my mom was the best, and clicked to see which client it was - TF - sent about 20 minutes ago. Clearly he’s on his email. He’s just dragging his freaken feet on this… Why? …]

Last updated February 13, 2017