kindness killer in 2017

3:33pm

Well, I’m at work again. Another Sunday. Hopefully my last for a while. I really can’t handle much more than this. Like I thought I was doing ok but these last few days have been so mentally exhausting that I feel like I’m going to have a serious breakdown. This is the exact feeling I always forget from one year to the next. That’s good too, because I’d never come back if I remembered what it was like to sit here three weeks in without a day off. I mean coming in at 12 on Sundays is just not cutting it.

I woke up around 9am this morning. Well I’d woken up several times throughout the night, which is also driving me insane, but I officially woke up for the day around that time. Laid in bed until 9:30a and then got up to get ready to go outside and mow the lawn. Well I made coffee first and cleaned up the kitchen a bit and then mowed the lawn. It’s my only free day and if I put it off until next Sunday it might be raining and we’ll have the house covered in grass by the time I get another chance. Gotta do what ya gotta do, I guess.

It was nice to get a little exercise out in the sunshine. I’ve seriously got to up my vitamin d intake because I think I’m getting depressed. It has to be from lack of sunshine. Even with all the windows it’s not enough. Well, lack of sunshine combined with all the other crap I’m dealing with.

Yesterday was pretty terrible. On top of being exhausted I had to deal with some mean people, and the whole TF situation that’s going on. I can’t handle too many more days like that.

This one lady came in yesterday, but it was really busy, so I told her I wouldn’t have space until later in the afternoon. She exchanged annoyed glances with her husband and said she had some questions. I offered to help answer them and she goes, “No! You can’t!” =\ Uh....ok. Thanks for telling me what I can and cannot do. I’m glad you’re the expert in the field.
As she was saying this though I was booking their appointment for later and it clicked that she was the same lady that I’ve spent probably a good half hour on the phone with helping to answer all her questions. Way more time than I should ever spend on the phone with a client!
[Actually the second after she answered in such a rude way we thought she was the same lady who’s been calling us on the phone. She’s called several times and she’s always completely unsatisfied with our answers and yells at us. She’s super rude! I don’t know why she keeps calling back. There are literally thousands of us in this state that she can call! But it wasn’t her!]

This lady has actually been really nice on the phone, which is why I’ve been so helpful but damn she’s a witch in person. The thing that really tickled me yesterday was that she came in here, all rude and mean, and then she went back outside and her truck wouldn’t start! ha! That’s karma for you lady! And no one would help jump the battery either. For like a long while. She even came back in here to ask if there was anyone to help but there wasn’t and she got all huffy again. Lady, maybe if you were a little nicer, or put a little more good into the world, it wouldn’t torture you so much.

She ended up cancelling yesterday and moved the appointment to today. And even then, when she walked in, she immediately started whispering shit to her husband. I don’t know if it was about the chairs, or what, but I heard her say, “you’d think with how much everything costs around here, or how expensive it is, they could afford.....] Whatever lady! She then went on to have a ton of trouble with her phone and all this other stuff. What goes around comes around! I made sure to call out, “Thanks for coming in! Have a nice day!!” as they were leaving. I’m gonna kill that witch with kindness! =]

Also, a client just brought us a bottle of wine so I feel better already.

Now for a quick TF spiel. I’m going to try not to spend so much time on this anymore. I mean, I do have other things going on in my life. It’s not really all about him. That just happens to be one of the biggest things I have happening right now.

So, I didn’t respond yesterday. I didn’t know what to say. Of course I do not want to make out with you after everything that’s happened. I don’t get why he thought that would be a good thing to say to me. It almost felt like he was trying to hurt me. I don’t know. Probably not. I’m not sure he thinks like that, but that’s how it felt. I am learning that I didn’t really know him at all. I guess the signs were there, and I choose to ignore them, so that was my fault. I just didn’t realize he’d make me feel this way. Like I was just a piece of ass to him.

Anyway, that was a big thing that I kept thinking about every time I woke up last night. It’s hard not to think about! I’m doing ok with it. I mean, it’s no where near where it was several months ago when I felt like everything was falling apart. But there are still moments where I’m sitting in the quiet and it all hits me at once.

Yesterday after work my Mom dropped me off at home and went to a church service they were doing in memory of my “grandma” that passed away last year. I was feeling really bad after the lunch we ate [not sure what was in it. We both felt sick] and I was so exhausted that I couldn’t deal with all those people. There’s no way I could have done all that hugging, and screaming kids, and tons of people in close proximity to each other. I needed to be alone. To decompress and recharge. So I poured myself a glass of 1910 on the rocks [the bottle left over from my birthday that JR brought me] and sat on the couch to watch TV and catch up on fun internet stuff. I half-expected TF to say something else so I periodically checked my email just in case. I had already come up with a few replies to basically anything he’d say. But he never said anything else.

I watched a nice sappy hallmark Valentine’s movie and polished off the rest of the 1910 [there wasn’t much in there, I swear!] and tried to go to bed early.
Before Mom got back I definitely had some breakdown sobbing moments. It’s just when it hits me, it hits me good, and it tears me up inside. How could I have misread him? How could he be such a jerk? Why doesn’t he care about me the way I need him to? We could be so good together. I want him so bad! But no…so I cry because I’m terribly hurt by it all.

Mostly I’m doing ok though. Really. I promise. I only sob like that every now and then. I know I’ll be fine. I just need to grieve a little. That’s normal. Because this might just be the end of something that I thought was going to be pretty damn great.

This morning, as I was lying in bed, I started to tear up a little thinking about it, but that was the moment I decided to just get up out of bed. It’s ok to grieve, but I can’t spend all my time dwelling on it. There isn’t much I can do.

I tried to tell myself to wait until I got to work to check my e-mail but I couldn’t help myself. At some point, as I was waiting for breakfast, I thought that it was better to satisfy my curiosity instead of sitting around wondering. I didn’t think he would have sent anything else but I needed to make sure. I needed to see the proof that there was nothing else there.
So I logged in and there it was all lit up. A new message. Hmmm. I opened it to see that a minute after midnight he sent me a message saying simply, “You don’t like me”.

I was definitely surprised to see that there. He hardly ever emails me randomly. I’d already ignored his two previous messages. And usually when something like this goes down between us we give/get the silent treatment for a while. A week or two maybe. So I was surprised he’d tried to make contact so many times already. In his own weird way, but he was trying. Also, he’s never up that late at night. I can only imagine him lying there unable to think of anything else [or maybe that’s what I kinda hope was happening? That he can’t stop rolling this over in his head either…] He hasn’t apologized though. Or asked if I’m mad. Or admitted to being a jerk.

We got to work a little earlier and so I opened my email and tried to come up with a response. I’d already considered a few different versions in my head so I settled on this: ”I think the issue is that you don’t really like me. And I totally misread you. I didn’t think you would be like that at all..​”

I thought about saying that I did like him. Or that he’s refusing to admit he wants more. Or that I’m hurt. Or that I’m not into some casual hookup. Or just all kinds of things, but that’s what I went with. And that was right before noon but I haven’t heard anything back. I’m not sure I will. What can he say exactly? He’s gotta know that it’s not cool to say stuff like that to me. I’m so much more than just some piece of ass to hold onto [and I just remembered how we’d totally had a conversation about that exact thing at the beginning. I have the text somewhere to prove it. He has admitted to being quite forgetful though…]

I don’t really know where to go from here. What to say or do. I still want him. But I’m starting to think that’s a mistake. Like why do I keep putting myself through this? He’s always going to be this guy. Why do I still have this sick hope that everything will turn out exactly the way I want and/or need it to??

rose.
4:56pm

Last updated February 13, 2017