We end again in 2017

Feb. 10, 2017
5:42pm

I am mentally exhausted today. It didn’t help that the whole day was cloudy and rainy and I just wanted to be at home cuddled on the couch watching movies. Although there is an amazing sunset going on right now with all this pink/purple bleeding through the clouds. =)

And now it’s dark because way too many things happened all at once. I swear people just hang out outside the door and wait until there are enough of them to rush in all at once. And a couple hang around and make phone calls from outside. It’s a conspiracy, really!

Let me go ahead and switch gears and 1) give you updates to the TF situation and 2) update you on where my brainspace is at.

1) So all that stuff happened in the last entry. After work I sent him a text saying that I was hungry and he should have brought me dinner. [He’d actually called before his appointment to ask what we wanted but he talked to mom and she said she had nothing to do with it. In reality she was the one that made me tell him to bring lunch in the first place! But w/e I gave him a hard time anyway.] We were actually picking up dinner to take home when I sent the text. On the way home we passed by the fairgrounds and there were still a ton of people there so I guessed he was still at the meeting he was supposed to attend that afternoon.

About half way through my dinner I heard my phone ringing. I got up to see who it was and it was him. I picked up and he asked if I was hungry. I told him I was in the middle of dinner and that he didn’t reply fast enough for me to pick something up for him. Then of course he starts in about how he wants to come over and kiss me. That poor guy! He can think of nothing else! I said no right away and then laughed and said I probably should have hesitated a little. hah. He asked something about coming over the next day and I said no to that too. Then he was saying that he could pick something up to drink and we could sit out in his truck. We could hang out, listen to some music, and “talk about things.” That was an interesting phrase.

As much as I wanted to go sit out in the truck with him I just couldn’t. I was already in my pjs, was in the middle of eating dinner, and knew he wasn’t interested in talking. I told him that. That I knew he didn’t want to sit out in the rain and talk to me. I think he admitted that he wanted to kiss me. And I said that he was such a typical guy. That he could only think about one thing. He said, “it’s just a kiss. That’s the least of your worries.” =| I didn’t ask him to elaborate on that one!

It’s crazy because he knows I’m conservative and yet he insists on saying all these things to me. I don’t know what he’s thinking. Well, I know exactly what he’s thinking and maybe that’s the problem. We didn’t talk on the phone for very long. I think there was more of him wanting to get together with me and my rejecting the offer. He ended up doing that whole, “maybe some other time then…” thing, which makes me feel a little bad. I mean, I really want to hang out with him but I know he only wants one thing. It’s hard to figure it out.

After I finished eating and hung out for a while I sent him an e-mail. I didn’t feel nearly as bad about our conversation as I would have before. This is how I know things are different now. It wasn’t like a panic inducing moment. Like he hates me, or things are over, or we’re going to fall apart again. It’s just a conversation that happens. [Wait ‘till you hear what happened later though. Life always changes in an instant…]

2.11.17 - 10:29am

Of course I got too distracted to finish this so I’ll continue today. But there’s sure to be another entry later. I just know if I don’t finish this and skip to the next one it’ll never get done. I want the words to be written somewhere.

So to continue - I e-mailed him this: “You know I’m not trying to play hard to get, right? Things have just been pretty up and down between us. The more you talk about wanting to kiss me, the more it seems like you’re just after some physical connection. And you have to know by now that I’m looking for more than that. I do want to hang out with you! I know I don’t move as fast as everyone else in the 21st century. You have to give me time to catch up though. I mean, if you want..” Because that’s all true. I like him. I want to spend time with him. But I want him to want me for more than that.

He responded that I was doing just fine. But he does want a kiss.
I said I know I am. And I think he’s made it pretty freaken clear what he wants but I want more than that. He didn’t reply to that. No surprise there.

Yesterday he sent an e-mail around 1pm asking if I was having a great day. By about 4pm I’d responded that sure, yeah, I’d only threatened to quit once or twice so far. I asked how his was and he said, “it’s good. I’ve mostly been thinking how good your butt looked yesterday…” =| I told him he had a one track mind and he said it was partially my fault. As if I have any control over it. I said that some girls would be offended by that and he didn’t respond.
It basically went downhill after that, but I’ll put that in a separate entry since it mostly happened after I left work yesterday.

Actually, changed my mind, I’ll include it here because there isn’t much and that way I can reflect on it all at once. I’d rather not drag it out.

So by the end of the day I sent him another message saying I was so tired and wanted to trade jobs with him. [You know, reaching out for a little comfort like I thought I could.] His response, “how about we just share beds?” Dude. Seriously? I said “ok” because I was too tired to argue. What difference does it make what I say anyway? I saw his response asking if he could come sleep with me right before I left the office around 7:30pm.

When I got home I replied that he could explain to my mom what he was doing at our house. ha. He said he was just going to sleep in my bed. We could watch a movie and cuddle. “Ha! As if that’s all you’re after.” He said “maybe” and I asked if this was reverse psychology. Like the more conservative I tell him I am the bolder he gets.
And then it really spiraled into some pretty crude stuff. I ended up telling him that I really thought he should cut his losses here and look for someone that can give him what he’s after. He asked if that was really what I wanted and I said that I wanted him to get what he wanted and I clearly couldn’t give it to him. He said I could give him what he wanted. That I had exactly what he wanted. And I said, “A nice butt and a warm body?” haha. Sometimes I can’t help myself. I mean come on man. We went back and forth a little about “yes you can” and “no I can’t.” Then I finally said, “No, I can’t. That’s my point. Why are you making this so hard? I mean you can have any girl out there. I’m sure there are plenty of girls who will fall all over that charm of yours and they certainly won’t be as conservative as I am.” He said maybe followed by another nsfw remark. So I ended with: “And therein lies the problem....I just wanted you, to connect with you, and you just wanted to get into my pants…”
[Update: This morning around 8:30 he replied, “I’m just a perv ;)” Duh! I figured that out already]

2) I don’t know what I’m doing here. I mean, I know I’m conservative/modest but I’m not naïve. I grew up and lived with guys. I’ve seen and heard all sorts of things. But damn. It’s never been directed at me. I’m just a quiet girl. I keep to myself. I don’t ever deal with any of this. I don’t get hit on at clubs. I don’t deal with perverted jerks saying crude things to me. I’ve never had to deal with any guys like that. Despite all the men I’ve been around. I didn’t even know they really existed. Does that make me sheltered? I just hang out and do my own thing.

Honestly, this whole concept doesn’t make sense to me. I even mentioned it to Mom yesterday. How I don’t understand the reason people date. Like what do you do together? It’s hard to get that through my head. Wanting to be around someone like that all the time. Maybe I just don’t need that in my life? Maybe it’s because I’m really good on my own? Or maybe it’s because I have Mom to hang out with? I don’t know.

I guess maybe if I found someone I wanted to be friends with, that would be different. Because who doesn’t love hanging out with their friends all the time? And I don’t think TF and I are on that level. He doesn’t want to be friends with me. We can’t just hang out and get to know each other, or have fun together, because he just wants to jump my bones. It’s kinda sad really.

I was totally open and ready to find someone, but I don’t think I was ready for someone who was going to be so aggressive. I don’t know how to be around that.

I don’t feel as bad about the way things ended last night as I thought I would. It definitely stings. I had so many thoughts and ideas about what we could be. It kinda feels like I have to start over at this point. Like I thought we had a thing going, and it was going to be really good for both of us, and now it’s not going to happen. I can’t do it this way. I can’t spend time with him knowing that he’s only looking for one thing. He never admitted he wanted more. He never admitted it wasn’t just about having a warm body to lie next to at night. And when I accused him of only wanting that one thing, he didn’t deny it either. I can’t do it like that.

As much as I may or may not want to be different sometimes, I’ll never be that girl. I can’t and I won’t ever compromise the values I have. And if he can’t deal with that then that’s not my issue. I’m in a good place right now. I don’t need this. I wanted it and I was open to it, but I don’t need it. I certainly didn’t wait this long to end up in a situation like that. I’ll only ever do this if it’s done my way. In the sense that I’m getting what I want out of it and not doing things like walking on eggshells or having anxiety over it. That’s not worth it. At that point I’d rather be alone.

[quick sidenote because I probably won’t feel like typing another entry later. TF sent another email around noon asking if I want to make out. =| I do not understand what kind of sick pleasure he’s getting out of this. I want to tell him to f-off, or leave me alone, or that I don’t even want to see his face at this point. But I won’t. I’m just really freaken glad I’m learning all of this about him now instead of later. It would have shattered me if I’d let myself get any closer to him. I can’t believe I misread him by so much though! He’s clearly good at putting on that front. It sucks that I fell for it.
And at the same time I had JR call me right after I got in this morning to see if I’d checked my messages. It was a funny thing about our mailman and how positive he is. It made me laugh. Then he called me a little while ago and asked if I’d checked recently because he sent me 3 more emails with screenshots from instagram. Made me laugh out loud! And definitely improved this crappy day I’m having. Now, why can’t TF be like that? Because that I could fall all over…]

rose.
1:11pm

Last updated February 11, 2017