Not gonna make it. in Deeper Bits (Emotional and such)

  • Feb. 1, 2017, 5:25 p.m.
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I dunno if that’s accurate, but that’s sure how it feels. I finally have the truck I’ve always wanted. I haven’t driven it in over a month. I like my car. I barely drive it. I want to get the garage cleaned out and organised, and replace the garage door. ( I already have the replacement.) I’ve yet to even get started on it. I need to get the shed organized, get it wired properly for lights and such (so far I just have the garage door opener in there for lights, with an extension cord where the outside outlet box should be), but I haven’t even finished the shit on the outside of it. Need to finish trim and painting. Want to paint the house. Yeah. You see where this is going. M tried to help last night, well intentioned, but it wasn’t all that much, if I’m honest. It’s not her fault on that. I’ve barely spoken to S about any of this. She’s got so much shit on her plate right now, I really don’t want to bug her with it. If I’m honest, I don’t think she can really help. S means well, and she tries to get me out and get me to do stuff, but with our history, it’s almost as painful as just staying my ass on the couch and watching sad movies.
I’m so damn sick of feeling like this. I know a lot of it is just the bi-polar depression talking. Honestly, I’m starting to wonder if it’s even really bi-polar any more, and if it’s not just straight up depression. Whatever the hell it is, I’m getting really sick of it. I still need to get an appointment with behavioural health and get that ball rolling. Although, I also need to get an appointment with eyecare and get my damned eyes checked and get some new glasses and contacts. Mainly contacts. I think when I don’t have these clunkers in front of my eyes, I might see a better light on things. Maybe it will help. Maybe it won’t. M said last night that she listens to a certain song and locks herself in her darkened room and cries. Being my usual smart ass self, I came back with “The joys of living alone. I don’t have to find a room. I just lock up and put the alarm on.” Yeah, that really says a lot for me. I don’t remember feeling like this 5 years ago when I bought my house. I was working shit schedules and barely had free time, and I still managed to do things around here. With my brain functions, I do actually need a regular schedule like I’m on now, so I don’t know if the flip-flop was masking some of the symptoms, or if I just still had enough residual from being on medication in my system to keep me from getting low. All I know is, The only time I’m not low is when I’m working, and that’s just not acceptable any more. I bought the gas saving stick shift car to be able to go into Seattle for work and goofing off and not have to burn a butt load of gas, and I bought the truck so I could finally go up and enjoy the mountains and trails around here, go learn to ski/snowboard, drag a boat to the lake (or jetskis), you know, actually do stuff. I’ve not been to Seattle for pleasure in at least 3 years, the only thing my truck has towed is my co-worker’s car, and the only time I’ve used four-wheel-drive was when it snowed and got icy. So yeah, I’m mad at myself that I’ve not done even half the shit I’ve told myself I’ve been going to do for years. 5 year plan on the house is passed, 6-1/2 years here and I still haven’t gone skiing, hell, I’m 15 minutes from a casino and I’ve never been in it, no concerts even when it’s been people I want to see, I’ve not really done shit. Looking back on it, I can’t really circle the right answer why. I know it needs to change, and it needs to change soon. I am, at least going out to eat on my own, and I used to not be able to do that. I guess that’s a start.
I’m gonna get ready for bed. My damn shoulder still hurts and I didn’t sleep with a shit last night.

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