TheVanishingAct© in Deeper Bits (Emotional and such)

So M and I have been talking for over a week now, relatively consistently. It’s been on me to start the conversation. I don’t like that. The other side of it is emotionally, I want her to come back and pick up where we left off. But I can’t deny that I still feel like this is all gonna be a setup for failure again. I don’t like this feeling. I still feel like I can’t trust her. I still feel like she’s feeding me bullshit. Mind you, I have a lot of history with her to draw from. However many times it’s been that she’s shown up, then disappeared just as quickly. I can’t deny I’m glad it didn’t go as far last time as it has before, but as much as I wish I could just let her go and forget her, I wish she’d just get her ass over here and stay… the long term kinda stay. I hate this shit. It’s tearing me in two.
I dunno if it would be better to try and get things to work with her, or if it’d be better if someone that would be better for me just showed up. M is not ticking all the boxes for me, and never has. But I also cannot deny that I have a very strong connection to her - which is what makes this so damn difficult.
J is sweet. She tells me that I deserve better than that. She’s right. I do deserve better. A lot better. I know what I want. I just don’t think that I’m going to find it. I’m at the point where I’ve stopped looking. If “the one” finds me, that’d be fantastic, and the sooner the better. If not, then I’ve accepted the fact that I may be alone permanently. Whatever happens, I have no choice but to be okay with it. It’s life, it’s karma. etc. I have to roll with the punches.
I think my “one” was BL, and I’ve obviously blown that one. Not that I blame her. I was a real shit way back when. I’ve tried to apologize, but she’s not interested. Like I said, I don’t blame her. S randomly says things that make me think that she wants to try again. But she says we’d need counseling because of our religious differences. She’s great and all, but one, she lives too far away for anything feasible, and two, if you have to change me, you’re not meant for me. It kinda boils down to I really only have one person that I would considering being with in the long run right now, but I’ve never been good at LDR’s and I don’t think she’s willing to relocate currently. Not that I’ve not made a real mess of that at a point too.
I’ll figure out M as time goes on. It’s either going to work, or it won’t.
Waiting on my clothes to finish in the dryer, then making a late-ish run on the market. The dastardly evil known as Monday fast approaches.