Through Your Eyes in 2017

Jan 24, 2017
12:19pm

Let’s see how far I can get on this before I get distracted by work. We have a small lull in the day because a couple people didn’t show up so I’m trying to take advantage. Although there are probably like a hundred different things I could be doing instead. I need to vent though.

As I was starting this that stupid song came on the radio. I’m tempted to find a way to delete it from the playlist, but it’s actually a good song. I can’t blame it for the way it reminds me of TF. That’s his fault for bringing it up and making it the “wedding song”!

Yes, I’m still stuck on that track. I can’t help it! My brain is blurring all the moments that were crazy and weird and making the whole thing seem like rainbows and butterflies. It’s forgetting the fact that he barely even tried. Like he didn’t court me at all! [Do people still believe in that - courting - or am I way too old school? haha] It’s forgetting the fact that I was all broken down about everything that was happening. That I lost myself in whatever he was trying to do.

Those aren’t good things! I mean, he didn’t even really want me, for Pete’s sake! Get that through your head Rose!
But he’s just so good lookin’! Those damn eyes! sigh

I’m still waiting to see if he’s going to come in. I haven’t heard anything from him. I guess there was a tiny bit of hope in me that he’d pop back up just to ruin any progress I’ve made. hah. Such a masochist. I just love the drama don’t I?!

I keep having these thoughts about him when I wake up in the middle of the night. It happened around 2am. Then again later I had this moment where it felt like he was in the room and I opened my eyes to see that it was just minutes after 4am. Of course! Even my subconscious is trying to torture me.

I don’t even know what it is. I want to start over, I guess. Knowing what we both know now and seeing where things go. My brain is refusing to let go of the idea of us. I’m trying not to be so hard on myself though. Look at how long it took me to get over CK and he never even attempted to make a move! My attraction to him wasn’t even half of what I’ve experienced so far with TF. So yeah, I can’t beat myself up too much. It’ll pass when it’s ready to pass.

This whole thing has been like the biggest lesson in patience ever. And I strongly believe that I am failing. Beyond failing at this point. It’s kinda ridiculous. =|

Deep breath, Rose

Well, it’s Wednesday now. Once people started coming in yesterday afternoon they didn’t stop until we were closing for the day. Then our wonderful friends invited us over for dinner. They’re seriously my heroes! I don’t know if I would have been able to sit around waiting for dinner to be made, at least not without stuffing my face full of junk. So Thank God for people like that. I mean they just gave us some leftover stuff they had made for dinner. Like they threw a little extra on in order to feed us, which was awesome. It was delicious and my belly was full, and I was happy again. =)

Anyway, back to the TF situation. I think mostly I just want to see him so we can get the whole thing over with. I hate not knowing things. The unknown is scary! What will he do? What will he say? Has he moved on? Will anything be brought up at all?
Then: do I ignore him? Do I bring it up and confront him? Do I smile and act like nothing happened? Are we going to start over? Are we not going to start anything at all?

Honestly, I’m sad on the inside. I don’t even know why. Like I keep trying to remind myself of all the things he said, of his terrible follow through, of the fact that if he really wanted me he’d be trying harder to get me, but none of it is making any difference on the inside. I say the words, I hear the words, but they aren’t making any connection. My heart still aches when I think about it. I sit alone at night and I replay different scenarios and my chest gets tight and my heart starts to hurt.

I’m at a point where I almost don’t want to see him because I’m afraid that if he says even one nice thing to me, or smiles at me, I’m going to forget absolutely everything and fall all over it again. I don’t want to do that though! If it were all up to me I would be able to confront him about it. We’d get together and we’d talk. We’d decide how we both felt and figure this out once and for all.

But I don’t always get my way in this world, do I?

You know, there are times where I’m lying in bed at night [like last night] and I’m asking the world for a clear sign that I should just move on. But the funny thing is that as I’m asking for this sign there’s a dialogue going on in the background where I’m secretly hoping I don’t actually receive that sign. That’s new for me. Because I’m usually just trying to move on and get over whatever it is that’s taking over all of my brainspace. Obviously there seems to be something more here if I’m having thoughts like that.

The other day I was looking into some personality type stuff and I finally got Mom to be interested in taking the test. Once we worked our way through it she started to realize that a lot of that stuff was true. I’ve been telling her about it for a while but she always just assumed I was making stuff up I think. I ended up retaking the test as well. I thought maybe I was answering the questions differently, but I still ended up being INFJ. Super rare, yo!

I think about stuff like that and how maybe that does actually play a role in how I view these situations. Reading all that information makes me realize that not everyone is like me. For example in this current situation - TF is not going to view this entire thing the same way that I am. He’s going to be looking at it through totally different eyes. And I have to take that into account.

If INFJ personalities are as rare as they say they are, I’m probably never going to find anyone that is going to see the world the same way that I do. It’s actually kinda liberating to think about it that way. Maybe I’m going to have to adjust the way I want to see things in order to start to see them through their eyes. Not that I’d change the way that I am, but just to be able to see it differently so that I can explain where I’m coming from. I think that’s a big thing to learn, that I need to explain myself to people because they don’t see the world like I do. Whoa revelation!

Ok. I’m totally drifting between topics now. I mean, it’s all sorta interrelated but I’m just on a stream of consciousness ramble now. ha. =] I think I’m hungry. I should go do some work. I’ll figure out where I was going with this whole thing later.

rose.
1:24pm