There are still good Tweeters in the world, Mr. Frodo. in I Can't Believe It's Not Twitter™... Spray!

Disclaimer before you continue: There are no politics in the following entry. But it took some doing.

The past few months (or year) have been… weird. To put it mildly. And a lot of my tweets have been political, which for me is unusual; if you were to look at my tweets from 2008 to 2015, you wouldn’t find much politically (and if you’d read my OD from 2001 to whenever it shut down, you’d have hardly found anything political there, either.) So you know things have gone through the looking glass when I forego my usually apolitical stance. However, for purposes of sharing old tweets, I’ve decided to not include political ones. This has the unintended side effect of making this a smaller compilation than usual, but that’s probably for the best. ANYway, enough prelude, here they are:

[hashtag]EverydayVampireProblems Dentists can’t find cavities with that little angled mirror.

I hate to accuse my new phone of having weak coverage, but it seems to lose bars whenever a bird flies overhead.

One unfortunate side effect of my nickname: whenever my boss says “Crud,” I look up as if he’s addressing me.

One of the menu options in Quickbooks is “Bill Tracker,” and that sounds like a good spy character name.

I need to avoid hashtags like [hashtag]ThingsIDontWantOnCamera, as it’s like cutting the brake lines on my creativity and it careens out of control.

Case in point:
[hashtag]ThingsIDontWantOnCamera - dead bugs covered in Cheeto dust, boudoir pics of James K. Polk.
(See? Way too specific.)

A report says if you eat more than 2 strips of bacon a day, colon cancer risk goes up 18%. That’s over 730 bacon strips a year. Seems fair.

That moment when I’m about to reply to someone’s comment on YouTube before remembering where I am.

Me: “Why don’t these pollsters ever survey ME?”
Phone: [ringing]
Me: [ignoring it]
Me: “WHY don’t they?!”

Happy [hashtag]NationalStressAwarenessDay. Are you aware of stress? Hmm? Well, are you?! ANSWER NOW!

I’m not sure we Cubs fans will know what to do with ourselves now, since literally all currently living ones were underdog fans until today.

Fun Fact: Mike’s Harder Lemonade™ is cheaper at the gas station than a Diet Pepsi™.

[Technically this was a political post, but it works sans context, too.]

The latest realization to remind me just how old I am now, is that once-newcomer Conan O’Brien is now THE veteran late night talk show host.

My wife says our library will be circulating “The Internet.” I wonder how long you can have it before returning it to the Elders at Big Ben.

Guy A: “I miss LEGOs.”
Guy B: poof “Just LEGO!”
Guy A: “Are you one of them LEGO ninjas?”
Guy B: “Just ninja!”
Guy C: “Quiet, yous guys.”

Mon - wore a T-shirt: Chilly
Tue - wore a T-shirt: Chilly
Wed - wore a T-shirt: Chilly
Thu - wore a sweatshirt: “Unseasonably warm!”
=P

This gas station has a gravy dispenser w/ a sign saying, “Gravy is not free!” For all those people who assume gas stations offer free gravy.

[hashtag]PassiveAggressiveFilms Home Alone. Again. As Usual. No, It’s Fine. Really.

Wearing my new shoes in summer: “Wow, these shoes really breathe!”
Wearing my new shoes in winter: “Ack, these shoes really breathe.”

Me: “There are way too many arbitary holidays.”
Them: “Today’s [hashtag]NationalBrownieDay.”
Me: “We MUST celebrate!”

Guy on radio: “Check out my free flipping seminar.”
Me: “I’ll flipping think about it.”

Target ad: “50% off boots for the family.”

Parent: “Gather ‘round. Open it!”
Kids: “Boots?”
Parent: “For the family! We can take turns.”

Toto: “♪Love isn’t always on time!”
Gandalf: “Love arrives precisely when it means to.”

While waiting for Rx, we watched passing customers stare at the 2-hour loop of Pen Pineapple Apple Pen we’d set up on Target’s display iPad.

“This Customer Discovered There Was No Barcode on The Taser Packaging, What Happened Next Is Priceless And Will Shock You!”

I wonder if I’m the only one bothered by the realization that Charles Manson currently has better medical coverage than some people I know.

One of the forums I follow has asked that we keep our comments PG-13, so I guess I should start randomly adding swear words to my comments.

Email subject header: “You’ve been pooping wrong your whole life.”

STOP MONITORING MY BATHROOM, EMAILERS!

Okay, that’s it for now. Take care! (No, seriously. Please take care.)