story swaps in 2017

12:50pm

Well, I guess it’s true that I don’t have that much to write about these days. On the plus side, that means my entries should be a lot shorter than their usual novel length. :)

I tweaked my back some how this morning and now it hurts to move around too much. Like something gets caught in there. Even when I take a really deep breathe sometimes. I’m guessing a pulled muscle. But it’s up near my left shoulder blade. Probably just did something wrong when I was lifting weights this morning. It’s hard to make sure you’re doing it in the exact right way. Oh well though. I’ll survive.

So, TF’s brother came in the morning and proceeded to spend the next 2 1/2 hours hanging around talking to us. Mostly mom talked. haha. She has so many stories! We were swapping recipes and talking about a little bit of everything. Apparently he loves to cook and does it often. I made a lot of jokes about how he should invite us over and we should all hang out. It started because he’d said yesterday that he was going to bring menudo this morning, but showed up empty handed. Not surprising, it took us like 4 years to get Chinese food out of him. haha. I told mom she better have breakfast before we left just in case. Good thing she did! ;)

It was so cool though. The time just flew by! The actual work part only took us like a half hour or something and the rest of the time he was just sitting here bs-ing with us. He said that he knew where to come hang out now. We told him how people tend to do that during the off-season a lot. There was talk about him helping us work on our yard after we mentioned having a wood chipper and he wanted to make a trade. Like work off the cost of it. haha! And stuff about us hanging out during the off-season. And him cooking for us! And bbq challenges to see who could make the best food. Just so many things!

He’d actually be really fun to hang out with, I think. Near the end there when he’d finally stood up to leave I mentioned something about how come we never hang out. He made a joke about how now he knows I have a wood chipper and like to drink beer. haha! We seriously should though! When he was mentioning that he loves to cook I started to make a joke about how I needed to find someone to cook for me since I don’t. I almost asked him if he had any brothers! ha. Caught myself just in time though.

Now I kinda wish I had said it. I mean, I wasn’t thinking anything of it when I did. It’s just something you say to people when they mention a good trait they have. Like to anyone. But my brain caught itself because of you know, actually knowing his brother. =\

He never once mentioned anything about TF though. So he either has no idea that we even know each other, or he didn’t want to say anything. I’m definitely thinking that he doesn’t know anything because knowing him, he would have let something slip at some point during all that time. There was never any reason for TF to mention me anyway. We barely made it out of the texting stage. It’s not like he would have been all excited running around telling everyone about me. Plus I’m not sure how close they are. They all tend to talk about one other brother in particular. Neither one of them really mentions the other though.

At some point Mom had asked about all his brothers/sisters and he started rattling off names. I believe TF’s the baby of all the boys. A little bit later when he was saying how many kids each one had, he skipped TF. Not sure why. Probably just got distracted. I could tell she was trying to get information out of him without asking directly. So was I!

There were so many times where I wanted to bring him up. Where I wanted to mention something he’d told me, or something we’d talked about, or just the fact that we knew him. I couldn’t though. It’s not really my place to say anything. Plus it’s done now anyway so why make it into something it’s not.

It’s been a week since we last talked? That last contact started and ended with me, which I guess made it slightly different since I was letting him start all the contact lately. I don’t think he’s gone more than a week without talking to me since, well since a long time ago. Even when we were “disagreeing” or whatever. He’d still reach out within a week, or less, with some random comment.

I’m curious how long it’ll be before I hear from him again. Maybe never? Maybe he’s finally given up?

It kind of stings you know. But it is what I wanted. I asked for time to let go. For time to move on. He kept popping back up just as I was getting used to the idea and I’d get drawn back in again. It’s hard to move on, or forward, when you’re caught in that cycle. So I guess I’m getting what I asked for.

I had this thought earlier - why does it always seem that what you ask for turns out not to be what you wanted?

I don’t just mean in this situation either. But like the fact that he ticked off so many boxes for me and look where we ended up?

The more I look back, read back, and reflect on it all the more I realize that he never really tried very hard. I gave him so many opportunities, so many more than I would have given anyone, and he didn’t take them. Then he tried to make it seem like it was me that wasn’t interested. He had such terrible follow through! Acting like he was excited to see me and hang out, and then never setting an actual plan to do that. The more I look at it the more I see how it wasn’t entirely my fault. I don’t know why I’d been taking on the blame. Like I’d done something wrong, or wasn’t enough, but it wasn’t just me. I’m glad I can see that now.

I really do need to stop being so hard on myself. I tried in the best way I knew how. Honestly, I didn’t have a lot of options in the situation. There was this constant internal battle between what I wanted and what I know I needed.

I don’t know. I guess I’m still processing a lot of this stuff. I really was lost in it and wasn’t seeing it for what it was in the moment. It caught me off guard and I got wrapped up in it. I realize now that it definitely did happen the way it did for a reason. So that I could be here right now saying and understanding these things. But I’m still sorta lost on what I’m supposed to do from here.

Sitting with his brother today was so easy and nice. My thoughts kept floating between how he had no idea what happened between his brother and I to how I could have had that. Like that easy relationship with his family. It’s like how I thought about what good friends his sister and I could be before I even knew they were related. And how well I’ve always gotten along with his brother even back before it clicked that they were brothers. It’s crazy especially coming from someone like me who has such a terrible time making friends. Everything’s just so easy with them and yet the one person I should be getting along with barely speaks to me anymore.

Not much I can do about that, I guess. Just working my way through the thoughts knowing that eventually they will subside and I will move forward. Or at least that’s how I think it’s supposed to go…

rose.
3:31pm