a couple times now in 2017

2:40pm

I want to try to keep up the habit of writing this year, but I feel like I probably say that every year. Pretty sure the only reason I ended up writing so much last year was because of the whole boy situation. That tends to be when I need to process my thoughts the most. Without that, I’m not sure there’s much of interest to write. This time of year I do tend to have work happenings to discuss though so at least there’s that.

We have yet to get crazy busy so I’m still in a good state of mind. Tired, but good. This year is definitely feeling different. I am way more chatty and joking with clients. The people so far have been returning clients so it’s easy to find something to talk about with them.

I think maybe a part of it is this new confidence I have going on? Like I’m suddenly not as shy or quiet around people. I ask them about random things I remember. I make small talk! eek!
It’s been kinda fun so far. I’m hoping to find some way to hold onto that feeling when I’m neck deep in crazy and I can’t remember if I wrote down the last appointment I took let alone if I ate anything in the last 24 hours. hah.

The bbq guy stopped in yesterday. We were working on some old paperwork so I was sitting at the middle desk when I saw him walk in. I did that whole “well look who’s here!” thing and he ended up hanging around for like half an hour. Or more? I wasn’t watching the time, but he was here for a while. Turns out we hadn’t seen him since sometime around August. We kept wondering if he’d left town because he hadn’t stopped by in a while. I guess he’d seen our sign but it always worked out that he was busy on Wednesdays, or tired, or something.

It was nice talking to him. He’s always fun to chat with. But we both noticed that he seemed kinda down yesterday. Like depressed maybe. Or just had a lot on his mind. He’d alluded to that fact a couple of times but he never went into detail about it. Who knows what’s going on. I am glad he stopped in though. And he was just stopping to bs for a little while since he was stalling on going back to work.

Near the end there he said that he’d come by just to see how we were doing and asked if I’d gotten married yet. This would have come off as shocking had my mother not asked him the same question after he’d walked in. She said she thought he’d run off and gotten married. So when he asked me I laughed and said, “oh yeah! A couple times already!” =] He laughed and did the shocked “oh wow” thing. I noticed that he was looking down at my hand to see if I had a ring on though. I don’t know if he did it subconsciously. Like it’s just something people do when you say you’re married. But my hand was tucked into my arm since I had them crossed.

He tried to look again later after we’d continued to joke around about it and he was saying I was moving fast. I told him I was trying to set the record for most marriages in a year. haha! Unless he was able to sneak a peek at my hand later, he still doesn’t know if I have a ring on or not. I’m guessing maybe he was trying to see if I was kidding or not. I mean, clearly I was or I wouldn’t have said I’d been married a couple times already. I would have just said yes when he asked. Saying yes on its own is dangerous though. People believe that stuff and forget to notice I’m kidding. You have to make it really obvious that it’s a joke. Or at least that’s what I thought I was doing.

I think that’s what I’ll do from now on too. Any time someone asks instead of laughing and saying no I’m going to say I’m working on a record. What the hell, right?

Although, on second thought, this might be bad karma for me? Joking around like that. I might jinx the whole thing and end up a sad spinster. I don’t even like cats enough to become the sad cat lady!

I remember when I went out with TF something came up about my ring. I don’t know exactly why but I made a joke about wearing it on my ring finger [I always wear it on my middle finger] during the season. Keep the guys away. And he looked at me all serious and asked if that actually happened a lot. I laughed, of course, and ended up saying that no that didn’t happen that often. But I do tend to end up with a lot of parents that want to give me to their sons. And I think I made a joke about how little kids love me, and parents love me, but there aren’t that many guys. Or maybe he was the one that pointed out the guys my age part. Which yeah, I agreed. [That was that whole not being able to lie to him thing, which was weird.]

I’m realizing now that I didn’t write all that much about what we talked about that night. I think I gave a brief rundown and then never bothered to go back and rehash it all. I do sorta want to go back and write some of that stuff out. For memory’s sake. We’ll see if I ever get around to it.

I am so interested to see what’s going to happen when/if he comes in. I want to know how he’s going to act around me. If we’ll talk about anything on a personal level or just do all the surface work talk. I want it to happen so I can get it over with already. My brain keeps trying to work through every scenario and I keep having to tell it to shut up.

Yesterday I came out of the bathroom to hear my mom talking to someone up front. There was some laughing and then I heard the other person’s voice and immediately thought it was TF. Like I hesitated in the backroom because it sounded just like him! Within a few seconds though I realized that it was actually his brother. Crazy how they can have such similar voices!

I walked up front, smiled, and said hi. They were busy talking so I didn’t say much. He’ll have to come back later to finish things up and we’ll see what he says. I am so curious to know if TF ever said anything to him! I doubt it, but there’s a part of me that kinda wishes he had. I want to know what he thinks, or what he’d say to me if he’d heard anything. Just to hear his thoughts on the subject, I guess.

Everything’s going to be up in the air for a while it seems. I still want to hear from him. I can’t get over that. But I’m trying really hard not to go back to that place I was at a month ago.

What do I do though? Wait to see what he’s going to say? Keep letting things play out on his terms? Make sure I find a way to wear my cute new dress when he has to come in? Because you know there’s that part of me that wants him to know what he’s missing. I want him to know that I was right there. All he had to do was put a little effort into it. To show me he was interested. But I refuse to let myself fall all over something that isn’t up to my standards. I seriously do not ask for that much. Someone to want me the way that I want them. That’s it. To think I’m worth it. It’s not that hard.

rose.
10:04pm