Good Morning. - 6/20/2007 in 2005 - 2007: High School

It is currently 1:45 a.m. I have just finished Kurt Vonnegut's Mother Night. It is my favorite Vonnegut so far. A manic episode is creeping up on me. I am out of sleeping pills. There are no sleeping pills in the house.

This is normally about the time that I would sign onto AIM to see if Dave happened to be up, having a manic episode. But under the circumstances I suppose this will have to do.

I am thinking about Julian. I have been thinking about Julian a lot lately. According to Wikipedia, unrequited love is good for artist types. It's true. If you don't believe me, read the Wikipedia article on unrequited love.

I am thinking about something kind of peculiar about Molly - something that I've never really thought about before: Molly was the only person who completely understood my relationship with Julian. Everybody knew how I felt about him, unfortunately, but they all treated it like something sad, or else like something silly that was over. Only Molly really understood that it was a one-sided relationship - a devotion to an idea, to a person in his essence. She understood that it was something permanent, and that I was happy with it. She would say things to me like, "I saw this movie yesterday, and I thought of you because the main character reminded me of Julian." And whenever she would give me some small piece of information about him, she would always act like she was presenting me with a gift. Which she was. And she always told me everything about him that she could, because she knew I'd want to hear it. She aknowledged my obsession as something precious.

Which it is.

I have noticed that I am now refering to all high school things in the past tense. When I got OD plus specifically to block Molly and then devided my diary into chapters for the hell of it, I decided that summers should go with the year that follows them. Not this one though. As the summer progresses, I continue to place entries firmly in a chapter called "Senior Year." Even though senior year is clearly over. I am afraid to create a chapter called "Freshman Year" and start putting entries in it.

I'm not sure why I like Mother Night so much. I think sometimes that I am so mesmerized by Vonnegut's style that I don't even pay attention to his ideas. I feel like I'm getting the ideas when I read, but I couldn't tell you what the ideas are. So maybe that's just meaningless beauty that I'm getting. Just the rhythm of Vonnegut feels true to me. Sentences like "What were you doing in Hitler's bunker - looking for your motorcycle and your best friend?" send shivers up my spine almost completely out of context. They send shivers up my spine when I do not know, or even bother to think about, exactly what they are saying.

I love you, Kurt Vonnegut.

I love you, Julian Miller.

I think that loving beautiful, distant things with all of your heart is the way to go in life. I think everyone should do it. I'm completely serious.

Alright, well, I have a pretty intense headache right about now, so I'm going to put away my mother's computer and stare at the celing for a while. My mother is in the computer room most of the time now that she's home, because that's where my grandfather's old automatic recliner has been moved into. She has lent me her new laptop so that I don't have to be in there with her all the time. It is probably not a good idea for me to have constant access to a small, portable computer. Things like this happen.

It is now 2:35 a.m. Entries take me too long.