Therepy, Work, and the Era of Secret Blogs - 6/19/2007 in 2005 - 2007: High School

I don't want anyone to get the wrong impression: Just because I'm drawing silly pictures doesn't mean I'm not miserable. I am. In fact, it's possible that the misery actually caused the silly pictures. Drawing is something that I can focus on really hard. And focusing on things really hard is a good way to forget about other things. The drawings also cheered me up because I like them very much. I think they're funny. I am proud of them.

I finally got up the nerve to go to The New Ann and talk to her about Molly and Dave. I guess it went reasonably well. I told her what happened, and I tried to explain why I did it. She seemed not to think I'm a terrible person. (Then again, she is a psychotherepist.) But then I admitted that really I don't understand why I did it or why they made me so angry, and that mostly I'm just confused about this. Then we talked about what is up with me and sex. Which we actually seem to talk about a lot. We still haven't figured out what is up with me and sex, but talking to her did remind me about how I sort of maybe felt about Dave sometimes, which is a pretty obvious explanation for why they made me so angry, and which I seem to forget about most of the time.

He is the only person I have ever had sex with in a dream. He is the only person I have ever successfully fantasized about while... well... And Molly had the nerve to have sex with him in real life. That's why they made me so angry. That's why I got angry just at her. That's why I didn't even send him an email. I had nothing to say to him. I wasn't angry at him.

Sometimes I wonder whether Dave is still lurking around here somewhere. His diary disappeared without so much as a goodbye entry after I let something slip that might have indicated that I'd been reading it. Maybe he just changed his username and deleted all his interests. Maybe someday he'll be tempted to find my diary again. He admitted to doing it once.

Well man, if you're reading this, I was never mad at you. And I wasn't in love with you, but it was something very much like that.

Molly I'm not worried about so much. I got OD plus specifically so that I could block her.

I have this theory that the era of personal, secret blogs is going to be a very short lived era. I think eventually we as a culture are just going to realize that it's a horrible idea. You can't wander around on this site for half an hour without running into some mention of a "my friend found my blog!" crisis. I mean Christ, it's happened to just me not once, not twice, but three times.

Yet I keep going. Maybe I'm just enjoying it while I can. The era of personal, secret blogs is a very interesting era. I wouldn't want to miss out on it.

After therepy, I went to work. Work is thereputic. Work has a way of turning my thoughts from "how the fuck could I have lost Molly and Dave, the world is over" to "I'm in a bad mood, but I can't remember why" to "now I just need to refill the sqeeze bottles, and then I can mop." I almost never want to go to work, but once I get there it is not so bad. It is very simple. I think that's good for me. I think sometimes overactive minds need to do things like mop.

Work also makes me hate everyone. While I am at work, I hate little children and airheaded soccer moms and irresponsible teenagers and old people and dumb people and jerks. But somehow I hate them in a good natured way. And it's not too serious. And I'll stop hating them as soon as I get home.

I should really call Bonnie.