4:08pm
Well, week one is almost done. I can’t really complain too much. I know I’m lucky to have the opportunity to even work this kind of schedule/job. Very lucky!
I mean, don’t get me wrong, at some point I probably will complain. =] That’s just my nature. I’ve already got the mental exhaustion that comes with going from free and easy to scheduled life. Just last night we drove to a friend’s house [who just got home from vacation on Wednesday and graciously invited us over to dinner!] only 10 miles away and I definitely felt like I could have fallen asleep. Five more miles and I would have been out for sure!
Living for the weekends again isn’t too terrible. I have Sundays off [for now] and Saturday I’m out by five. Plus Fridays aren’t bad because I know that I’ve only got one day left. :) Also, everyone loves Friday! The mood in the air is different. I kinda feel like a regular human adult again. Living the same life as everyone else. hah.
Look at all this positivity! Seeing the bright side of things. Whoa. What’s happening to me? =P
The one thing I do need to work on is my sleep schedule though. I know it takes some time to get back into the habit of going to bed early. I’m trying to get into bed some time between 10 and 11pm but that isn’t always easy, especially if something good is on TV. haha. The good thing about this last off-season is that I didn’t ever really establish a routine of going to bed super late like I did in previous years. I used to stay up into the wee hours of the morning, but most nights this last year I was in bed before midnight. I definitely tried to rein in my night owl tendencies, which I guess is helpful. Not as big of a jump.
I’m not even sure it’s so much the lack of sleep that gets to me as it is the mental aspect. The constantly being “on” and running. Interacting with other humans and using actual brain power smarts to figure things out. It’s definitely different than just casually sitting around bs-ing or whatever. I’m still having a hard time falling asleep though. And I do a lot of waking up in the middle of the night. I’m hoping that’ll all learn to regulate itself as the season goes on and I continue to run on a lack of sleep. heh.
This morning I started thinking about TF while I lied there in a half-awake state. It was like some crazy day dreaming type stuff [does it count as day in the middle of the night?]. Almost as if we were interacting, or I could feel his presence in some way. It’s hard to describe. I mean I know I was fantasizing, but it felt like he was close or like we weren’t in our current state of not speaking. I don’t know.
At some point I rolled over and looked up at the clock [ha! that song just came on again!] and saw that it was 4:10am. The hour that will forever be associated with him because he gets up so damn early! I wondered if maybe, somehow, he was lying there thinking about me. In those early morning hours when there’s not much to do but think.
I know I’ve mentioned before that I always felt this weird psychic energy with him. Maybe that’s not the right way to describe it, but just certain things would happen and we’d connect. Like the way he’d pop into my mind after months of not seeing him and the next day we’d get a letter, or I’d find a voicemail. Stuff like that. Before we even started talking.
So I laid there and I thought about how maybe he was somewhere thinking about me too. And I may or may not have whispered I miss you to the dark as I tried to go back to sleep. It’s barely going to be a week. I’m not expecting him to check in this time. Honestly I’m not really expecting to see or hear from him until he has to come into the office again. After the way he was ignoring me, I don’t see why he’d reach out. Not that I don’t want him to. I’m especially missing him today, maybe just from those early morning thoughts, but still. I want to be near him. I want to hear from him. I want to go back and do things right.
At the very least I’d hate for things to just be over. That doesn’t seem fair. To either one of us.
I’m supposed to be moving on though, aren’t I? ha. Whoops. I’ve ignored my own advice again! Although I am doing so much better about the whole situation! I’m not breaking down at just the thought of it. So that’s a plus! It’ll be interesting to see him again, or really anyone associated with his family [I don’t think he mentioned me to anyone, but we’ll see].
Time to pack up and head home. I finished a class and did some practice stuff while multi-tasking my way through this entry. I also did some stuff for JR so yay on that. He stopped by earlier to drop papers off. Made a big ol’ deal about getting a hug from me when we were saying “happy new year” since we hadn’t seen him. Then he sat around and chatted with me for about 15 minutes because we were on a break from our online meeting. That was nice. I miss just sitting around bs-ing with him. We were getting to be pretty good friends for a while there. Maybe we’ll get back to that? I’m clearly horrible at making friends and need to take advantage of what I can get! ha.
rose.
5:45pm
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