Email to Molly, 2 a.m. - 6/11/2007 in 2005 - 2007: High School

I wrote this email last night and saved it as a draft. I did not send it.

Look, after Alicia's party and Greg's party, I feel I have to tell you that you guys are fucking obnoxious. You are really truly disgusting. And it really bothers me. It doesn't just bother me because I don't want to have to watch it either, although certainly I don't enjoy watching it. It mostly bothers me because I didn't think that you guys were the kind of people who would be obnoxious in a relationship. I mean, how insecure do you have to be that you must be on your boyfriend's lap at all times with his face in your armpit when you're wearing a bikini, and every five minutes you must lean over and give him a kiss on the cheek, in public? I don't like that kind of person. I thought you were more mature than that. And less weak. You actually used to tell me that you weren't that kind of person - that PDA was gross and that girls sitting on boys' laps was weird and that you weren't comfortable with all that romantic crap and stuff. I guess you changed your mind. I feel like you don't even have an individual identity anymore. Do you even go anywhere without him? It seems like you don't even use your car. It seems like you guys just drive around to the same places in the same car all the time. You've both changed, but you especially, and you're not even people anymore, just a couple.

And it's become apparent that you no longer give a shit about me. There's no place in your life for me, because your entire life is him. I know you keep inviting me over but I also know that you're willing to maintain friendships out of guilt, and I think that's what you're doing. And I know there's nothing I can do to make you give a shit about me and that you have every right not to, but I wanted to tell you that I've figured it out and that I guess I'm going to try not to give a shit about you either, because what's the point? I've spent too much time caring about people who don't care back and I'm sick of it. I'm done. I guess this will work out alright what with the whole college thing. We just won't keep in touch and I'll see you at the Thanksgiving game and we can talk about band a little, with no hard feelings, really. It's not like I hate you. I don't blame you, even, really. I might have done the same thing. I just can't stand it anymore. I've cried so much today. And I feel like I might pass out, but I can't sleep. I don't know where you went, Molly. It hurts so much. I thought I had real friends... I thought what we had was something different and better that wasn't subject to this shit. When will I ever learn that I am not exempt? I am never exempt.

I don't know why I'm doing this. I hated what Emma did. I thought it was a really shitty, weak, unnecessary thing to do. I still don't think I'm at fault in that situation, so I don't know why you would be at fault in this one. You're not obligated to stay exactly the same person throughout high school. You're allowed to have a boyfriend. And if somebody changes and you don't like her anymore, you shouldn't hang out with her. It should be that simple, no hard feelings. I don't know why I can't do that. I just got so fucking attatched to you. And to the idea of you. I liked having a best friend. I just think everything's so damn important. I think everything's so epic. I should understand by now that nothing's absolute and nothing works out the way it should every time. And I should understand that it's not a good idea to get so attatched to things the way I did to you, because always, when it comes down to it, I'm alone. All I have is me.

I don't know how I'm going to deal with Dave. I feel like he hasn't changed as much, and I feel like he hasn't sold out as much, and I feel like he hasn't left me as much. He's also not mean to me. And you are. I don't know why. But it's not like he needs me anymore either, and it's not like I can really look him in the face anymore, so I don't know.

I probably shouldn't send this email. I should probably take a sleeping pill like I usually do when I'm upset at night and stop all this craziness. In the morning it will probably not even make sense to me why I was so upset, and I will think, "eh, it's not so bad," and I will be able to tolerate you again, until the next time I freak out. I don't know. I don't know yet what I'm going to do.

We'll see.

• Aidan.