2:59pm
Well, I’m back at work full-time. Day two and I’m already tired. hah. It’s tough going from one extreme to the other! I need to remember to get more sleep, although after a couple days of this schedule I’m sure my body will remind me without prompting. This is just the calm before the storm too. Wait until I start panicking two weeks from now! ;)
Yesterday was actually really good though! I have a great feeling about this year! My lucky year! =) I started to realize that a lot of exciting days are going to be on Tuesdays, which happens to be my favorite day of the week! [ie: Valentine’s Day - my favorite holiday!]
Also we had a really nice steady rain all day yesterday. Every time I woke up last night it was raining as well. We need it so bad! This is exciting stuff for us Californians! Last night after work we went to a friend’s house a town over because she’d called to tell us she had a ton of extra vegetables if we wanted them. I’d just told my mom the day before that having vegetables as snacks at the office would be a good idea this year. We even joked about how we only eat them when this friend has extra. Then she called the next day, which was crazy! She gave a ton of stuff too! And the rain stopped long enough for us to pick it up and we’d barely made it down the street when it came down hard. So lucky!
We were super productive yesterday too. Mom made a ton of business calls. I can’t remember the last time she got so much done over the phone! I had a huge to-do list that I was working on and I made it through all of the immediate important stuff. The rest I’ve been slowly accomplishing today. I got distracted by a big audit project for a client though so that took up most of my morning. Or up until about a half hour ago actually. So all in all it’s gone well so far!
I’ve been thinking a lot about TF [obviously!] and I’m starting to come down off that proverbial ledge. Now I’ll admit that I had a pretty good cry session last night. It’s hard to stop the thoughts. Especially when there are so many reminders. Like a line in a song, or a story in a movie, or just whatever comes up.
I think what set it off last night is 1) we watched The Vow and that can be a tear-fest in itself and 2) I was making coffee before bed and I heard mom on her phone so I joked that she better be careful not to drunk dial anyone. She calls back that I’m the one that does that [referring to that one Tuesday (see Tuesdays? lol) where I somehow dialed TF’s number and didn’t notice for 2 days!]. I started laughing in agreement saying I didn’t know how that happened or what he heard. Then she says that I probably called [or would call?] and start asking him to marry me!
I’m not sure why she’d say that! Earlier in the night she’d mentioned he hadn’t called all day and I first laughed at the weird nickname she gave him and then said he didn’t have a reason to. She said nothing after that. But the marriage thing was weird? Maybe just because that’s what people do when they drunk dial? ha. I don’t know. I ended up laughing and then eventually said, “no, you can’t marry a guy who doesn’t even ask you out on a 2nd date” which just sorta slipped out of me. She doesn’t need to know those things. So I made a joke about how maybe he’d seen how much I drink and decided not to do that again. Making jokes tends to be an easy cover-up.
[sidenote: the damn radio station we listen to at work keeps playing that song that TF asked about. The one he said was the “wedding” song. Hearing just the 1st five notes sends a flood of memories into my mind every time! It’s played like 3 times already today and was one of the first songs to play yesterday when we got to work. Darn universe and your torture!]
With all this running through my head I decided to go back and read entries from before things got weird. Like back when he was still casually flirting with me at the office, before I knew he was even seriously interested and it wasn’t a joke. Things were so good back then! Man, I can remember just the way I felt every time he came in. Or every time he said something silly to my mom so I could hear.
What the hell happened to that??! Where did we go so wrong? To the point where I’m crying and he’s ignoring me! Some of that stuff was only 4 months ago!! We didn’t even start texting until half-way through September. I don’t get how it all imploded in that amount of time.
I wish we could go back. I wish I had some magical power to turn back time, so I could get a do-over on this one. [Don’t we all!?] We could have been so good. It started out so freaken well, but maybe we killed it with all the contact? Maybe we went too fast?
On my end I know that I probably took things too seriously. I wanted to turn this into something and got overly excited. I jumped the gun for sure. We should have kept things a lot more casual. Just had fun for a while.
I know a big part for me was the whole wanting to kiss me thing. It made me nervous. He was so bold, so quickly, that it completely threw me off. I’m not placing all the blame on him! I definitely take responsibility for what I did/said. But I know that was a big deal for me.
It kept us from getting to know each other the way I wanted. It made me feel like he didn’t care to really know me beyond a physical connection. I get liking someone like that, I do! But if we could have connected on a different level first I think I would have been a lot more open to it. Like if we could have just hung out for a while. Gone on a 2nd date maybe?!
I wouldn’t have made him wait forever. If I knew things were going somewhere I would have compromised. And I was super upfront about everything. Within that first month I’d already told him that I just wanted to be friends. That I was shy. That I wasn’t the type to jump into anything. All that. It was right there in the open. But he pushed and I pulled away.
[sidenote 2: I think I just saw him drive by the office. hah. I haven’t memorized his truck or anything but the one that just passed on the street looked damn close!]
I’m still open to starting things over with him. I’m not really willing to just walk away from a connection like that. I know they don’t come often and it was definitely a first for me.
But he’d have to be more willing to do things my way. We could both compromise on the give and take. I feel like he’s totally misinterpreting my wanting to “be friends” with never having a chance at more, when in reality it’s probably his best chance. I haven’t been given the opportunity to explain this to him though. And I think it would change everything if we just spoke in person.
Just one serious heart-to-heart could change the world.
rose.
3:45pm
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