Kiss my glass in 2016

10:42pm

Well, here we are, at the end of another year. Can you believe it? I feel like I’ve lived an entire lifetime in this last year and yet I can still see myself sitting in this same livingroom waiting to cheers my mom and uncle for a wonderful 2016.

It’s hard to believe so much has happened. I find it difficult to even comprehend the amount of travelling I did this year. I think it turned out to be something like 17 states in total? It was just a lot of flying, and driving, and exploring, and wandering. Some for fun and some out of obligation. All of it worth it though. :)

It just doesn’t feel like it all happened this year. It’s hard to believe that life can move so fast and yet be so full of moments at the same time. On Tuesday I’ll go back to working full-time. At least 53 hours a week, minimum. That always throws me off. I know I’ll be exhausted, not necessarily from the amount of hours at work but just the whole socialization aspect. I’m not good with being around people that much. My introverted self starts to shut down and panic. That’s always the worst part for me. The rest I can handle. But I just have to remind myself that it’s only a short while and once I get through it and make it out the other side, I’ll get to start the travel/fun part of life all over again! That’ll make it worth it.

I know a lot of the end of this year has centered around TF. I didn’t mean for it to turn out that way. Like not at all. I think that’s a huge part of what gets me about this whole thing, that I was in such a good place. Finally moving on from things that I didn’t need to be wrapped up in and accepting life just the way it is. Then, all of a sudden, I was here wrapped up in a new thing that I wasn’t expecting and/or really looking for.

Of course I want to find someone. That’s certainly something that I’ve wanted for a while. But I wasn’t expecting it this soon, and I definitely wasn’t expecting it to involve him.

He sent me a text yesterday. We were out running errands/shopping and we were sitting in the car when my phone buzzed in the door handle. It was loud. Mom said it scared her and I said it scared me too. I picked it up, viewed the message, and was pretty surprised to see his name. It said hi and that he was “just checking in”. I almost immediately closed it and put the phone away. Mom asked who it was and I told her [what’s the point of being mysterious any more..]. She asked what he said and I told her that he was just checking in and that I hadn’t heard from him in like a week [ok, four days, but whatever]. I said that it didn’t matter, I was over it. And I think she said something about how it was too difficult. I don’t remember the word she used. But I basically agreed and said that I didn’t understand why people talk if they don’t really want to connect. And that I was moving on to the next one.

I did respond though a couple hours later. I said hi and mentioned that it was nice that he was checking in and that I was alive, I thought. Then he winked at me. … He freaken winked at me and didn’t say another word. Seriously? Wtf?

He clearly can’t quit me. Which kinda seems nice. But in reality he should have said something like, “Hi Rose, I’m just here making sure you don’t forget me.” Or “I’m just here to drag you back in but I’ll quickly push you back out again.” Or “I’m bored and want someone to talk to for a minute, but that doesn’t mean I care about you.” =\

It’s frustrating for sure. I don’t get it! Like why keep coming back if you’re not freaken interested?! Stop stringing me along! Stop dragging me back in!

I did send him a text today. Obviously I can’t quit him either! I just said that I thought it was only fair that I check in on him today and asked if he had any fun New Year’s Eve plans. I was in the middle of getting dinner ready. A few people had actually shown up at my house for dinner [my aunt, her friend, a cousin and her bf]. So he sent a text about 25 minutes later but I didn’t see it for like a half hour after that.

Basically he said that he was babysitting his 3 yr old nephew and watching his son. He’d made rib eye and crab for dinner and was going to bed early. Then asked what I was doing. I responded that that sounded nice. All domestic. ;) And that I was just hanging out - cooking/eating/drinking and ready for the new year to start.

[sidenote: Can I admit that hearing him say he’s doing those kind of “domestic” things makes me like him more? Like I really want to be sitting there with him and the kids just kicking back watching tv or whatever. It’s like my dream come true. haha.]

He hasn’t responded to that. I know that there’s a lot going on. He’s watching a couple of kids. He’s probably not doing much and it took me a while to respond. There’s supposedly pretty bad signal out where he lives so I don’t know how receiving texts works.

But I just don’t understand why he won’t let me go if he’s not interested in the same things. I really want to talk to him in person. Yell at him, tell him everything I’m feeling, make him understand. [Not really “yell”, it’s just an expression!] I know I have baggage. I know that I’ve put some of that on us, but I’ve also tried really hard not to.

There’s still a part of me that wants to start fresh next year. But every time I reach out like this I start to feel like a fool again. It’s never done me any good. It just hurts to think about.
Don’t ask me why I keep doing it though. It doesn’t make sense to me either!

I am going to start this year fresh though. I know that 2017 is going to be a good one for me! It’s my lucky number! And I’ve finally been feeling really good about life. I’m in a good place. I’m enjoying life. I’m seeing the beauty in simple things.

I know that I’ve been complaining about this boy situation a lot lately, but life in general isn’t that terrible. If anything, he’s given me a confidence that I never even knew existed within me. I will forever and always be grateful for that, even if we don’t go anywhere.

Yes, I hope that he’ll give me a chance. I hope that God will lead me back to him, and him back to me. But I understand that that might not be God’s will. Either way I have definitely grown since that moment he started to flirt with me. I’ve never in my life felt better about myself. Never felt such confidence. Never looked at myself in the mirror, smiled, and said that I was beautiful and amazing.

I will always be grateful for that. No matter what happens. No matter what 2017 holds for us, if anything, I will never forget that. :-)

I’m looking forward to this year though. I’ll get through the work, and plan the future, and try my best to focus on each and every day.

Good luck to all. Best wishes. Happy New Year 2017!

rose.
11:51pm