help in just testing

It’s not that serious …

Today was fine at work. Since I finally got the trainings I did a lot today. They didn’t send them all at once because there’s certain ones I can’t get until I pass the background check. I dunno how long that takes.

I’ve been trying to get back in the swing of healthy eating and exercise. But after work I’m EXHAUSTED and I know I shouldn’t be. And RAVENOUS. I can’t figure out my own body.

It seems like if I eat nothing all day or if I eat a good lunch and snacks through out the day, when I get home all I wanna do is OVER eat and sleep. And I hate being so lazy.

Part of me think it’s mental, like “yay I’m home alone and no one can watch me eat” and I eat myself into a coma because I can.

And the solution would be - don’t eat as soon as you come home. But I come home so TIRED that I convince myself into thinking that if I eat, I’ll perk up. And instead all I want to do is sleep right where I sit.

I’m also addicted to my phone and TV and I’ve tried different ways of avoiding electronics as soon as I walk in so I don’t fall into dinner infront of the TV and FB till I pass out. But really it’s only delaying the inevitable by like an hour cause I’m hungry and I’m gonna eat and then I’m gonna pass out.

And I’m alone so sitting in my house without TV or at least FB interaction is just me eating dinner with up to 6 cats watching me, saying nothing. It’s depressing and weird.

Maybe I should go straight from work to my treadmill - just take off my clothes at the door and put on gym clothes and start walking. I’ve tried that - and saying that now is a lot easier than doing it tomorrow because I’m TIRED. Usually I flake out of that plan.

There was one summer where I was drinking a 5 hour energy every afternoon just to have energy after work to do whatever it is people do. It’s unhealthy, expensive and it doesn’t always work. I feel like if I take a 5 hour energy while I’m still kinda awake it may work, but if I take it when I’m already super tired it does nothing.

Like today I took it at 6:30 on my drive home to hopefully perk me up by the time I got home but it didn’t work at all today.

Sometimes I think my house being too cold puts me in a coma kinda state cause there’s time I’m eating dinner with my coat on cause heat is too expensive in my place. I do have a space heater kinda thing but even when I warm up it’s not a true warm up cause it’s just my feet really. It’ doesn’t warm the room or anything.

But in the summer it’s the same kinda thing cause it’s hot and I get tired from that too! The air conditioning isn’t as expensive so we do use that.... plus Will can’t be hot, meanwhile it’s ok for me to freeze, but that’s Will’s logic - not mine and we’ve already had too many fights over it.

I eat badly at home too - like today I had lasagna and 2 pieces of cake. That would make anyone pass out I guess.

I may have diabetes, I hear the pass out after eating the wrong food. But Will’s mom and my sister have had diabetes and when they test my sugar just for fun it’s never been high, like in a diabetes range or they would have made me go to the doctor long before now.

I know when I’ve lost weight I’ve gained more energy but when I have no energy to exercise it’s hard to lose weight! I just don’t know where to start.

I don’t wanna go to the doc cause they’re gonna say lose weight. Of course they will. And I guess I’m so embarrassed I’ve never really mentioned to them that I don’t have the energy to. Cause I feel like that’s a lazy, obese, person’s excuse.

If you’re unhappy, just get up and do it - I say to myself but I don’t do it.

Sometimes I feel like sodium high foods make me more tired but I thought diabetics had a problem with sugar, not salt.

I had success with low carb diets - which don’t really work on WW. But protein is more expensive that carbs lol. I can get a box of pasta for 99 cents. None of my fake meats are 99 cents. More like $5 a box.

I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I have a legitimate health concern (besides being obese) or if I’m just a fatty making excuses to stay fat cause it’s easier than eating better and actually moving.

And this week I’ve drank my 8 cups of water a day! So if I’m eating too much salt or sugar or whatever, now that I’m drinking enough water - doesn’t that combat anything at all???? I’ve gone 2 months not drinking enough water and I feel NO DIFFERENT this week for all the water I’m drinking - besides peeing a lot.

Music motivates me - I get more energy if I have music on. So if I get home, go straight to Pandora and … don’t eat till later?

But I get home at 6 now - so I kinda have to eat because I thought there was a universal no eating after 7 rule or it all turns to fat.

This is why I labeled this entry help - cause I do need help. I can’t figure anything out about myself. My body or health in general.

I CAN lose weight - I have. But I lose maybe 20 lbs in 6 months and the… I guess a holiday comes and fucks it up. I dunno. But I never stay on track longer than that - and even in that 6 month stretch I’m no diet angel and have plenty of slip ups. Which is why I can barely lose a lb a week even when I’m doing “good”.

I dunno if my problem is physically or mental because plenty of times I feel like maybe I’m ‘depressed’ because I’m really lonely. I just don’t get to express that much because that causes fights with me and Will cause he gets mad when I try to stop his money. That’s really what he thinks it is. When I want time with him - what he hears is I want to take his money making hours away from him because I’m a baby.

And sometimes I feel like maybe that’s why I sleep so much when I’m home alone - because I’m depressed and don’t like being alone so I sleep it away.

But then I feel like - I’m not always sitting around crying so I’m not depressed. During my period yea, I’m sometimes crying alone, but my period fucks my mind up.

I do get ‘manic’ periods but I don’t consider it really ‘manic’ it’s just a burst of energy where maybe there’s a week where even though I haven’t changed anything about my diet I don’t need to sleep as much and I stay up too late doing things and then I’m past my tired phase and then I can’t sleep. When you’re used to being a sleep by 7pm, staying up past 1 is considered ‘manic’ and half that time I’m usually in bed trying to will myself to sleep because for a long time I was supposed to be up at 5am!!!

Now I wake up at 7.

I just don’t know myself. I don’t have a routine. Or I have a bad routine that I can’t figure out how to fix.

I’m only up now cause I fell asleep for 2 hours. And I could have slept all night right until my alarm but I FORCED myself up to do some laundry and dishes because all this week I haven’t really kept up the house cause I’m sleeping! And Will will do it. If the dishes or laundry get out of control, when he gets home at 2 am he will do it. And then I feel bad that after his long hard day he’s doing things I had plenty of time to do for him but I choose to sleep 12 hours a night cause I’m a lazy fat pig basically.

ok I gotta go cause nothing is getting solved here on prosebox.

I wish I could draw my own blood and send it away and just have it tested for everything under the sun to see what the fuck is wrong with me.

I know I could go to the doctor and do it but I hate facing the scale there and getting the lecture, no matter how small. My insides crumble and die when anyone talks about my weight - in person. At least over the phone or web no one can see my face....