Got to go... in Book of M...

Ok for starters, JM has got to go. I’m waiting until after the holidays, but he’s just way obsessed with me and we aren’t sexually compatible and it just sucks. Like he’s a really nice guy, but problems. He’s an ok kisser sometimes, and then other times its like he’s trying to shove his tongue down your throat. He’s done a little better in the sex area, but still he doesn’t get fully hard and missionary is the only position it remotely works in and even then it’s not good and he about kills himself. And I know me… not being sexually satisfied was kinda the beginning of the end for my marriage.

On another note, I have not seen H again, but we’ve texted.

On yet another note, on Christmas eve I was getting settled in to be home alone all night. I went to my uncles house earlier in the day, but left by 4:30 at the latest. Anyways, I got a message on my phone from a guy from work. Like I guess he was bored and got on Facebook and it suggested me as a friend so he messaged me. We started chatting and he asked what I was up to and I told him I was settling in to drink a bit, smoke hookah, and attempting to knit. Of course he said the drinking sounded like trouble especially alone. He eventually said that he’d come see me and in my not wanting to be alone at Christmas I said sure why not. So I picked up the house a little but while he was on his way. He got there, my animals acted retarded as usual, we sat on the couch and talked and half watched a movie. Eventually the dogs calmed down. After a pretty good while of talking he kinda made a move. Wanting me to sit in front of him so he could rub my back. I’m not stupid I knew where this was going but better than alone I guess. So he was rubbing my back and I eventually took my sweater off to make it easier, but I had a tank top on underneath. He spent a minute looking at my tattoos. He kinda wrapped his arms around me and was trying to be cuddly. I could tell it wasn’t something he was super familiar with doing. When he did finally try to grope me a bit he was very polite and making sure I was ok with it. Guys are always fascinated with my boobs and I don’t really get it but ok. One thing led to another and we made out a bit and he was biting on my neck etc. Then I ended up going down on him. He was average at best. He said it’d been a while and when I asked how long a while was he said 2 years. I didn’t figure it would take very long but he held out a little longer than I expected. He even warned me before he came in case I wasn’t going to swallow. After all he could really say was damn or jesus. He needed a smoke after that. We hung out a while longer and I gave him a quick tour of my house. We were sitting on the couch again and one thing led to another yet again. Not long after that he left. He said he would definitely be interested in hanging out again (what guy wouldn’t???) and that maybe we could do more next time. Called me darlin, wished me a merry Christmas and kissed me good night. At least with him I think he knows that this is not the beginning of a relationship but you never know with guys. Let’s call him V. Well V is like 10 years older than me which is really not typically my thing. He’s a really nice guy though. It was fun either way and better than being alone on Christmas.

On yet another note… I told M about it. I’m terrible at telling him no. But I also told him that I don’t want to have sex with him. Bc I like him and have no interest in being just some girl he fucked or rebound sex. And that if he wants what I want he’ll tell me and there’s no sense in me worrying about something that will most likely never happen. So I’m going to try that. After the new year I need to focus on my nonrelationship goals.