I always seem to start off strong. Whenever I spend any time with George, I always walk away feeling strong about it having no effect on me. That wains so very quickly. I had no intention of contacting him first again any time soon but when I woke up Saturday am I could so very clearly feel that huge knot in my back. I tried ignoring it but it wouldn't go away. I caved and texted him and asked for a back rub for later Saturday pm. He said he wasn't sure what he had planned but we would def hook up at some point over the long weekend. I didn't hear from him at all Sat pm so I just went to bed. He texted me twice around 1 am and then called me. We talked for a while but I wasn't going to pick him up at that hour. He told me to call him the next day. I was actually pretty pissed about all that because I thought it was prob a booty call in disguise. That pissed me off enough that I wasn't about to call him at all on Sunday. I never heard from him Sunday. On Monday, I had plans with Lou. While I was waiting in the parking lot for Lou to get there, George called me and asked what happened. I kind of panicked and made up some excuse for why I didn't call him. I told him I had plans with a friend and asked him if he would be around in a few hours because at that point, I just couldn't get comfortable. I really needed a back rub.
So I met Lou. We were supposed to go bowling but we never made it there. We sat in the restaurant and talked for hours- 4 1/2 hours to be exact. Crazy... we had a great time just talking to each other like that. He is a really nice guy!!! I really like Lou a lot!!!
When I got home, George texted me asking if I still wanted to get together. I called him and explained I just got home and that I was waiting for the kids to get home at that point. I apologized at that point because I really did feel bad. I offered to get together either after the kids went to bed or the next day. He wanted to get together last pm and I was ok with that because I really was having a hard time getting comfortable and I knew I wouldn't be able to fall asleep last pm anyways.
So we just went to the usual spot for us and did the back rubs in the car. It felt soooooooooo crazy good!!! But given we both needed to go to work this am, I was ready to leave once we were done. But he layed back down and commented on how he wishes that middle console between the two of us wasn't there so that he could either come over to me or I could go over to him. I asked what he meant... did he want to cuddle?? He very quietly said yes. So I just went for it. I layed across that middle console and rested my head on his shoulder and started rubbing his chest area. I could feel his heart beating... it felt like it was pretty fast. It was actually pretty nice to be honest. I could have easily fallen asleep like that but I couldn't let myself because the kids were home. He was so very quiet the whole time. But he did also start kind of pouting because he really wanted to fuck. He admitted that he wanted so bad to call me Wed or Thurs for a booty call. He just really struggles with being a giant asshole. He knows how I feel yet he still keeps wanting to be with me anyways. I guess I just don't feel that bad for him. I do to a point. I know that if I ever needed him in a pinch, he would be right there. I know that he is horny and frustrated, and I know how that feels. For those reasons I do feel bad for him. But I also can't help but think that this is what he has chosen. If NYE taught me nothing, it taught me that when he chose to be with her, he did in fact, choose her over me. He knew that when he chose to be with here that I wouldn't fuck him without protection anymore. He knew he can't use a condom (a fact that I sincerely wish I knew before). He chose to sleep with here anyways. So all the other bs falls to the wayside in that fact. He isn't sleeping with anyone but her and he isn't sleeping with her very often. He knows how much he likes being with me, yet he doesn't want to commit to me. He knows I won't fuck him without protection, he knows he can't use it. He can't cum from any means other than fucking. It seems simple enough to me... we can't fuck around anymore. Not to mention the fact that I really like Lou now. Lou is very important to me. Either way, George and I can't be fucking around on any level because no matter what we do, he wants to fuck so that he can cum. I understand that. So why fool around on any level. We can't seem to be physically close anymore without him getting turned on. I just don't see the point in hanging out anymore because it's only going to make him miserable.
I'm not going to lie. It has been roughly 3 months since I have had a dick inside of me and I am really craving it now. It's getting to me with George. I want to fuck so bad but I really like Lou. Lou hasn't even kissed me yet, but he calls me Boo and Baby. George also went to give me a kiss goodnight last pm and said goodnight baby.
Urrrrrrrggggghhhhhhhhhh!!!! I am getting so frustrated with all this. George is getting to me and I don't want him to be able to. I can't let him fuck me because I have to take care of myself... I don't need any std's. I need to protect my heart from him. Even though I'm not feeling it for him anymore, I know how vulnerable I am to him. I def don't want to let go of the good thing I have found in Lou either. There is one person and only one person who could fuck that all up for me and that person is George. I wish there wasn't that little seed of love still left for him. I fear it will always be there for him though. He doesn't love me, no matter what he says. No matter how he strokes my hair. No matter how much he likes to cuddle. No matter he said he got attached... I don't really even know what he meant by that. He doesn't love me. Love doesn't try to hide. Love doesn't sleep with other women. Love doesn't actively love his ex gf. George doesn't love me. But I do love myself. I am stronger than this. I know what I am worth. I really think that Lou is going to prove himself to be the man that I need and want in my life. He is a really good man. I really want him to be the one.