deja vu in Feelings
- Dec. 21, 2016, 8:14 p.m.
- |
- Public
Well here I am again, nearly a year since my last entry, and you know what? Nothing much has changed. Still I am here questioning our relationship, questioning why K resists me so much. WHY are we still together? Surely this is just some form of insanity by now?! I feel like a broken record, our shit has been going on for over 5 years now, and still I hang on to that very last thread of hope. Leaving scares the SHIT out of me, but surely it must be time to start living, and not just existing? Surely there is someone out there that is a better ‘match’ for me, and a better ‘match’ for her? Yet, as crazy and selfish as it sounds, I still desire her as much as the day I met her, I still have love for her, it’s just clouded by layers of resentment built up from years of miscommunication. Yet, if she were to be with someone else, and found her passion and intimacy again with that person, I would be devastated. I would question every part of myself. I would question all the times she tells me “it’s not you, I’m just dealing with deep issues from the past”. How fucked up is that? I can’t live with her, but I can’t bear to stand her happy with someone else. That’s the jealousy and ego in me taking over. I think if we were BOTH to find someone who made us happy, I would be happy. She tells me if we split she would not want to be with anyone else, she would want to stay single. I think she would probably end up with a woman, although that comes from my insecurity of my last relationship who left me for another woman I’m sure. It’s crazy you know, we are on the other side of the world in America right now staying with her friends she hasn’t seen in 9 years. Every night she is so affectionate with her, touching, playful slapping, cuddling up for movies, giggling and enjoying each others company. Yet, I pulled her in for a kiss today and she rolled her eyes. I asked her why she rolled her eyes, she said it’s because I’ve been ‘trying too hard’ to be affectionate lately, and it pushes her away. I kind of understand that I guess, but I told her a few days ago that I’m tired of being a side act to her show. To sit around ‘waiting’ until she feels like giving affection, completely shutting down my feelings, emotions and urges. I told her that I just want honest, genuine communication. I told her I want to stop ignoring my feelings, that I want to act upon them when I feel them, but will always remain respectful, she just had to communicate her feelings so I know how she feels, instead of me feeling her body language and questioning everything while I ‘wait’ for her to come round again. It just seems like we are 2 islands drifting further apart, with our kids the bridge that connects us. I fear what will happen to them if we split, how we would work it out. I fear she would want to go back to the US, and I would want to stay in Australia. How would we still be a ‘family’? What would that do to the kids? Uggh, it’s so messy. I told her we haven’t been able to talk since we came here 3 weeks ago, and I feel like we need to, but she never finds the time. She will stay up till 3am drinking wine and chatting with her friend, but if her friend goes to bed at 9pm she tells me she is too tired to talk and goes to bed too. I sent her a few long messages telling her about how I feel, how life seems to be playing out, about my dreams for the future, and that she will always be family to me no matter what. I get a reply that basically says “Did you have pizza for dinner? Thanks for your message, you’ll always be my family too xo” I mean what the fuck?! I opened my heart and soul to her, something she has told me I don’t do enough in the past, and that’s the reply I got?! I sent her another long message a week or so later, expressing how I want to live my life more actively, and less just existing and got a reply along the lines of “why is this coming up now while I’m out shopping?”. I think she’s all but given up. 2017 feels like a year for change, It feels stupid to keep trying to revive something that died long ago. We have friends with kids who have divorced and life seems much happier for them. Sure, it’s not without it’s problems and life is always greener on the other side, but I can’t keep this up any longer. I REALLY want to connect again, but I don’t see any possible way at this stage. Here’s to 2017 and big change, whether it’s a revival or funeral, this relationship HAS TO CHANGE.
I’ve never been too good at expressing my feelings, yet written words seem to flow. I wrote some ‘poems’ the other day to try to express my inner feelings:
*
Fires that burn wild with passion.
But alas, the river is still on the surface.
Longing for acceptance, oh to be!
A river cannot burn, a fire cannot be still.
Why must the river burn like the fire?
Like an ice cube, cold and sharp.
My touch resisted, my warmth feared.
Each reluctant embrace a danger.
One touch closer to dissolving.
The warmth fading with each icy dismissal.
How does ice embrace warmth again?
How does warmth not destroy ice in the process?
Longing for days of old.
Of joy, of laughter, of PASSION.
Worries non existent, responsibility only a concept.
The candle all but burnt.
How to reignite the flame, replenish the wick?
Existing, but not living.
Can life exist again as is? Is the end inevitable?
Fear of the unknown. Desire now a one way street.*
I need tea. ⋅ December 22, 2016