Fifty Shades of Homosexual Debauchery (NC-17, X-Rated) in Musings

I’ve been on these pills that are ‘suppose to’ make me happy and cope with my depression and anxiety. I feel like either they numb me from life and I exist in a haze or they completely make me the biggest fatalist, suicidal, pessimist and I’m just coping with the side-effects of the medication that should be the training wheels, which assist me in gaining holistic and empowering mechanisms, so that I won’t depend on these medications anymore—. I’m not the typical millennial, I know that working hard, intelligently and acquiring self-realization are factors that assist me with coping with my psychiatric deficiencies. It’s very simple—a psychologist is a counselor that helps me through my issues through expression of my thoughts and a psychiatrist medicates me and finds the cocktail of drugs that should support the counseling I am receiving. I mean these pills are toxic to my body, I’ve had to have 2 Liters of blood drawn(for the past 8 weeks collectively) out of me to decipher if the risks are worth taking.

Obviously, I’m very skeptical of American Psychiatrist. ADHD is an American problem that psychiatrist jump on to earn a patient and keep their desired salary… My $125 sessions twice a week, is a value to a money monger and they don’t care if I’m hallucinating or feel hazy, they keep prescribing me other drugs for their own benefit… You don’t make money off of the healthy in the medical field; the healthy need to be sick and the sick need to be sicker because the value increases.

I was laying in my bed on Thanksgiving. In the dark, with the soft cold whispers of loneliness tingling up and down my back. 3 Missed calls from ‘Mami’, 2 missed calls from Wombmate<3, 8 missed calls from Sis. My house phone rings to ask me “Is it okay that I send Alex up, Sir?” I replied in a faint whisper “Yeah, whatever”.

I hear the patter of his hands on my door and I whip open the door. I drag myself back to my bed, cocooning myself in blankets. I didn’t even look twice at Alex. I heard his shoes thump on the wooden floors and the rustling of his jacket, and his shirt being pulled off. He slowly unraveled me and spooned behind me, bare-chested, wrapping his arm around my waist. “Baby?” he whispered as his cold hands went under my shirt and pressed on my chest. “I don’t want you to be like this” he said kissing my shoulder. “What happened to that man I knew that was sad, but was active?” he said wrapping his legs around me. “Mon tresor. I am thankful that I can say you were my boyfriend, my fiance, my husband and now my ex-husband—because you don’t even know how much you did for me and how I live with the thought that I know I fucked up; you’ve made me a better man, more compassionate and understanding, and I rarely see you anymore” he said as he pressed himself into me. “You know what I miss Andy?” he said pushing his arm under my head and brushing my hair back with his fingers. “I miss the stupid things” he said nuzzling into my ears. “I miss waking up stark naked, looking down and seeing your head laying on my chest” he said kissing the back of my head. “I miss your scratchy voice in the mornings and your sweet soft voice saying ‘Good night’ to me in your old man pajamas” he said giggling and leaning over to see my face. “Is that a smile I see?” he said pushing my face. “That’s my man, look at how cute you are!” he nuzzled his face in my cheek. “You know what else I miss Andy?” he said as he laid face to face with me, pulling my hands onto his chest. His mischievous smile, blushing. “I miss that little fat booty!” he said giggling. “Leave me alone Alex!” I said as I squirmed to the corner of the bed. “What did Dr. Levitz say?” he said. “Nothing!” I seethed out within my teeth. “Yo, I get you’re fucking depressed” he said standing up “I get that you may be a manic depressive, cause that’s what Levitz told me” he said lighting a cigarette “but you’re not going to lay here bro!” he said kneeling down into my face with his cigarette in his lips. “I know you’re not crazy like these fucking Doctors or counselors say you are! You got that?!” he said ripping my covers.”FUCKING STAND UP, WE GOT SHIT TO DO!” he said holding my chin and pushing it to his face. “Your brother sent me here!” he said as he laid next to me face to face. “I know you’re brother fucking hates me!” he grabbed a tuft of my hair in his hands. “Take a fucking pill, don’t shower, throw on the same shit from last night, but we’re going to Thanksgiving!” he said as he jumped up and began folding my duvets. “I don’t fucking know how to break you out of your sadness Tresor” he said folding my duvet, with tears welling in his eyes “I love you babe; I fucking married you!” he said as he held me in his arms. “I’m fucking crazy, but you’re the solid rock on the shore, cause I’m bat-shit, insane, babe”

I guess happiness happened, mediocrely.

I pulled my strength, I showered and he just held my naked body in his arms when I didn’t want to go. “You’re fucking going!” he said sternly.

Arroz Amarilo, Guandules, Pollo al horno, pernil, pavo, three types of potatoes—mashed, fried and broiled. Pernil and Turkey. Avocado salad, some Kale and Quinoa salad no one wanted to eat, Yuca fries, pasteles, empanada; my mom busted her ass, as usual, being a hostess.

After dinner that I only had two bites of— my mom passed out, my brother and sister were stuck with my sister’s children playing some sort of video game console, which I will not presume to even describe, because it’s all confusing to me.

I really don’t know what happened. I was drunk and all I remember was synopsis.

I remember him flirting with my drunk self.
I remember him holding my hand, gently pulling me to the second bedroom (or my room when I lived with mom).

I remember hearing my sister scream “DANNY! YOU’RE FUCKING CHEATING!’

I remember Alex holding me close to his body. My forehead reached his chin.

He kissed me deeply.
I felt my wedding rings scratch his wedding ring.

I don’t remember the foreplay or how I became naked and he was too.
He whispered in the darkness ‘if i was Okay’ when he pushed himself in me.

I felt like I was so drugged up on the pills he forced me to take because he thinks they make me better.

I remember crying as he kissed me and thrusted inside of me. It wasn’t because of sex, I just remember feeling lonely. He held me in his arms.

“You know that I will always love you, right?” he whispered as he pushed his forehead on mine. “I didn’t hurt you Andy, right?” “Nope” I said as he kissed me and pushed me deeper into his chest.

I feel severe depersonalization on those pills. It’s like lucid dreaming where I know it’s not safe but I continue.

The sun rose and Alex was holding me.

I kissed him, softly on his lips as he woke up.

“Babe I hate those pills” I whispered as he rolled on top of me. “I know” he said kissing me. “But you gotta get better” he kissed me deeply as I felt him pushing in me.
I felt every single thrust as he sweated. I felt evey single position he contorted me in…

“Fuck baby this is my home” he said as he pulled me up and held me against a wall as he pounded me.
I whimpered in his ear. I held his hands. After he came inside of me, he wrapped his entire body around me. Holding me and falling asleep with me..

I felt his warm naked body…and I felt like I was complete…I was safe.

In the morning I rode his morning wood until he woke up and pushed me on my back, kissing me, biting me and finally releasing on my stomach this time. He intertwined his fingers in mine and slowly pushed his wet dick in me. “Baby, this is always mine” he said as he throbbed inside of me “I love you”