Unanswered. in The future.

When it all went down, I told him to cut it off with her. I can’t recall why he said he couldn’t/didn’t want to, and I said ok. Against my gut, I continued to allow it. A few weeks after the fact, she messaged me, profusely apologizing and trying to explain herself. She never meant to hurt me or anything…and I believe that those were genuine statements.

At first, it was fine. He and I were connecting, I actually felt better knowing who she was, oddly enough. Everything seemed so much better, I happily embraced this fucked up dynamic.

She’s polyamorous, so she’s very comfortable with the idea of connecting on a variety of levels with a multitude of people. I am as monogamous as they come-never even crushed on two people at once-so I was trying to learn and understand.

I have inquired to my husband a lot where he felt he fell in his spectrum. I got a lot of “I don’t knows,” and “I’m not sure.” I know he’d love to watch other people have sex. I know he’d loved for us to be watched having sex. I know he’s love to watch me having sex with someone else. He’s love to have a threesome with either another man or woman. To my knowledge and understanding, he does not want to have with someone else without me incolved at all. Even though he hasn’t stated it, I get the impression he’s like to have sex with another with me watching.

I’m not completely sure, though, where he stands on having consensual romantic relationships with others. (Consensual meaning his, hers, and mine.) I know he doesn’t feel that monogamy is natural, so while he has vowed to maintain a monogamous relationship with me, I somti a feel like I am inhibiting him from being who he really is.

And when it comes to love, it’s kind of amazing that someone could fervently love more than one person.

It also hurts. It makes me think that maybe he doesn’t love me as much as I love him. Or maybe I’m just not capable of as much as love he is.

(For the record, they never said the L word to eachother, but she implied she was headed that direction and (according to her), he insinuated the same.)

So this was much more than just sex. And it still is, as they’ve continued contact and relying upon each other.

One of my major internal battles is sm
I making him subscribe to a lifestyle that is not who he is. Yes, we took vows saying we would do that, but we were young (22 and 23). I’m willing to concede that we both have grown and learned a lot about ourselves in the last 11 years; our views on plurality could be one of those things. At first, I contemplated allowing him to actively seek out other relationships; to fuck whoever he wanted. I couldn’t stomach that, though. And he said he don’t want that.

Sigh. This entry is rambling. I did have a plan before I started writing and it went away.

To bring things back to what I was originally going to say, there are a lot of questions I still have for him I never get an answer to:

Did he love her?
Would he want to be able to explore relationships with other people while still married to me?
Why won’t he let her go?

There are others, but I’m drawing a blank. At any rate, I don’t get real answers to those questions. I never have. Does he really not know, doesn’t want to think about it, or is he blowing me off?

When we have one of our moments of frustration, and he goes into his self blame mode, is he doing it because he doesn’t know how to respond? Is it just a bad habit? Or is he trying to manipulate me?

I really don’t think he’s trying to manipulate me, but I do think he’s afraid to face some of these things. I think he’s afraid of what he might have to confront, in me, her, and himself. And maybe I haven’t pushed because I’m afraid of these answers and what they might mean for my future.

Argh. Congrats if you made it through this disorganized, jumbled word vomit.