Good-bye Best Friend. in Musings

Six-thousand-seven-hundred-forty-two dollars…

The amount of money that I paid to have my pet to be eventually euthanized.

Money is not a fucking option…I had him checked by private vets and shitty vets…and I was running around all over the city…

And my best friend was euthanized. It makes me so angry and so crazy that I had to sign papers for him to be put out of his misery.

FUCKING FUCK!

I snorted rails off of a marble table. I drank all the klonopins to help me from freaking out.

I don’t feel bad that he passed because the circle of life is always here… I just feel miserable that I was his voice… and I fucking failed at that. I FUCKING FAILED!!!!!!! I could’ve saved him, I could’ve.

I come home today and he’s not here. He’s not jumping on my bed and telling me to wake up. I’d rip off my contact lenses and we’d snuggle together…

He smelled like corn chips and grass…

and when he was euthanized I didn’t want to be there because, I said good-bye to him…my exact words in his listless, diabetic body were “drink this water” and I injected water in his mouth and I said “Baby— I love you. I love you so much, but I feel like you are here because you are trying to protect me. Leave me! I’ll be fine, you don’t gotta protect me!” I said as I held him in my arms, “Baby, I love you so much more than you will ever know, I’ll be fine” and I smiled and caressed his face and he looked at me, and licked my fingers…

and today he gave up completely. he didn’t move or follow me for a shower and a walk…he just stood in his bed… and I myself wanted to die…

There’s that cliche saying “if you love something let it go” and I let him go.

I’m not sad that he’s gone. I’m not sad that I have a whole playroom for him… I’m sad that he didn’t have a voice and couldn’t tell me what was wrong…

Rest In Peace my love..... thank you for loving me uncondiotinally.