From Under Castle Keep in 2016

Barf. Just had to spend 400 bucks to get something fixed on my car. That definitely puts me in the hole a bit. As long as I work my ass off the rest of the month, I’ll be fine.

In fact, I have no choice. I haven’t been working nearly as much as I should. I could afford to because of getting more school loans, but that’s exhausted for the term. I love what I do, I just need to do it more.

My sleeping habits have been all over the place. I intend to get up at 8, but then hit snooze a couple times and before I know it, it’s noon. I keep procrastinating. I don’t know what it is about me. I have all the tools, I just need to put it all together.

I have been fairly bummed out lately, between stressing about money, the fact that I’ve gained a bit of weight and am having trouble losing it, having a lack of dating life again, and then the general depression that always hits when Fall and Winter arrive.

I was talking to a girl for several weeks quite a lot, first through email, and then text. Like, hundreds of short-ish emails, and then texting until 4 or 5 in the morning. We met up, it was a little awkward, she seemed super self-conscious about it in the couple of replies she gave me afterward, and then she ghosted. Just like everyone does. Frustrating, but nothing new. I didn’t expect it from her, though. We had talked previously about how lame it was when people do that. I’ve gotten used to talking with someone briefly online, meeting up, maybe having sex, and then them ghosting. It seemed like that’s all dating was these days. With Xylia(that’s her name I guess), I was legit just getting to know her first without anything physical, and then she ghosted anyway. So maybe it doesn’t matter. I was bummed about it for several days afterward and wrote some songs about it, and now I’m over it.

I went down to Medford for Halloween. It was fun. Probably too fun. I dressed up as Rick from Rick and Morty and got riggidy riggidy wrecked, son! I was definitely blackout drunk. Ugh. The hangover lasted for several days. I don’t want to do that again. That was the complete essence of my party mode at the best party I’ve been to yet. It can’t be topped, nor do I want to try to top it. I’ve been thinking about going straightedge again. I’m kind of over drinking again, plus it would certainly be easier to lose weight and get in shape if I’m not drinking once a week with friends at trivia/hangout night. I may get corralled into drinking at my roommate’s birthday party this weekend, but after that I’m good.

I just need to get back to where I was a year ago, when I was very productive. I kept late hours, didn’t sleep much, and dealt with it mostly fine. I have been doing well this week at doing the school thing and whatever, driving for 5-6 hours at night, and then going to the gym afterward, ending my day at 3 or 4 in the morning. I just need to get up at 9-ish and do stuff, instead of sleeping until 12 or 1. I just feel tired and bummed out if I sleep that much.

As for the election…I didn’t vote. Neither of the main candidates represented my interests on the whole. Trump is Trump, and clearly there was more appeal there than people thought. Hillary also seems shady, and her and the media in general really seem to be pushing for war with Russia, which is fucking stupid. We should get along with them, and every other country. Regardless of which party someone picks, they are largely the same. This election seemed less about people picking someone they like, and more about picking who they hated least. Which would be fine, if that was the only choice. It’s not, though. There are other parties, other candidates. This only-two-choice concept is bullshit, but it’s perpetuated by the media and most businesses. Whether or not someone thinks the electoral college system of voting should be retired, I feel like most people would agree that it shouldn’t take hundreds of millions of dollars to run a campaign, and that there should be more than two choices. Maybe that’s what we should focus on. Admittedly I didn’t do any research on the other parties, so I didn’t vote. I would have voted for ol’ Bernie, but that’s about it.

I watched the election with morbid curiosity, and am doing the same with observing what has been happening since. Portland in particular has been a hotbed of activity, with protests raging on since shortly after it was announced that Trump won. I have somehow avoided them while driving downtown. I understand the need to vent feelings, but they are just fucking over people who had nothing to do with it by blocking traffic and engaging in light vandalism. It seems ironic, to me, that the big cities are the ones where protests are being held. Big cities generally voted against Trump, at least on the West Coast and in New York. Who are they protesting to? Mostly like-minded people. In small, rural areas, there aren’t protests to my knowledge, but those are where way more people voted for Trump percentage-wise. Perhaps that’s why there are no protests there.

Regardless, it’s unfortunate to see some folks being super hateful and close-minded toward Trump voters. It’s definitely bad to make blanket statements about all people within a group because of the far more loud voices of a few extremists. You’re always gonna have those on either side of any argument. Hate doesn’t wash out hate, just like people being intolerant toward those they perceive as being intolerant of others doesn’t do a damned bit of good.

Quite a few female friends on Facebook seem super worried that they are going to lose their voices and their rights. Sure, we have a bag of dicks for a president, but it’s not like he can just make some law outlawing women’s and minority’s rights. Also, myself and undoubtedly most others wouldn’t just stand by and let that happen. I obviously can’t relate, being a white male, but even if I wasn’t, I may not be able to relate out of cynicism. Regardless of which party is in office, we keep invading countries, using bombs and drone strikes, becoming more in debt as a nation, and slowly losing our liberties. So to me, they are all to blame, except for a few, and change is needed. Perhaps Trump winning will be the catalyst for change, the “fuck you” that people needed to decide they won’t accept things as they are anymore.