Just...Feel Like...::shrugs:: in meh...

It’s like I want to talk, but I don’t know what to talk about.

I have an idea of what I want to talk about, but I don’t know if I have people deep enough. And that’s an insult. They are deep enough, but one thing I do know is that they will feel uncomfortable when trying to figure something out to tell me.

::shrugs/sighs::
I don’t know.

I don’t accept the concept of death. I don’t accept it as being a part of life. As long as I feel this way, every loss is going to hit me harder than a mountain.

Growing up in church, it’s either heaven or hell. Growing up on pop culture, it’s either heaven, hell, or haunt people until you have to go into the light. The light leads you to heaven or hell. The concept of hell is frightening. The concept of heaven has it’s moments but you have to have all these requirements to get there. I’m not a good person all the time. No one is a good person all the time. No one is kind all the time. No one is perfect.

I grew up old school church. There was a difference between the holy and the holy-cow-look-at-them. That line is so blurred today. Maybe this is a discussion for my mom or dad. I think dad since he is a preacher/brother/minister. I’ll talk to my mom subsequently just to follow up and clarify.

I have this book that was written and published the year I was born called The Denial of Death. I was going to make that my next book to read, but found it irksome. I mean, I can’t ignore death but I don’t want to fear it. I don’t want it to catch me off guard or my kids or anyone.

With the kidney issues, my sister developed a heart issue. October 30, she was apparently awake, but passed out. My nephew called my niece, then called emergency and they tried to work on her, but there was no reviving her. That’s…just…

Even at my sleepiest, I have problems falling asleep.
Been going on lots of walks. I even walked up the street, which is on an incline, to the library to go vote yesterday. I’m not going there about the election.

Now is time for moving on, forward.
It’s hard because knowing that she’s gone, just feels…

I’m as okay as can be expected.
Thank you all for your offers of ears, shoulders, prayers, and thoughts. They are so much appreciated…

Kindest regards,
Sister