Questions in Daydreaming on the Porch
- Oct. 27, 2016, 2:45 p.m.
- |
- Public
October 26, 2016
I dreamed a thousand new paths. I woke and walked my old one.
Chinese proverb
I sometimes find myself thinking about the future when I am no longer a caregiver and I have the now unimaginable luxury of endless free time, if and when I retire. I’m torn now between staying at my job and leaving. I can retire any time I want to. But I can only dream of what the future could look like, whether I move to that idyllic North Carolina mountain town I have visited a number of times and love so much, or whether I move to be near family far away in the Pacific Northwest. Will I eventually leave all the familiar and comforting sights, landmarks, natural beauty and stability of Charleston and environs, my “home” for these past 22 years?
I want to travel again so badly. There are very special and unforgettable places I saw on my cross-country road trips 30 + years ago that I want to revisit. I learned about many places when researching and planning those trips that I wanted to visit but was not able to. I have a travel wish list. I want to fulfill a life-long dream of visiting the English countryside, hiking in the Lake District among the scenic beauty that a favorite poet, Wordsworth, wrote about so memorably in his Nature poetry (Eg., “Lines composed a few miles above Tinturn Abbey” ). Then I want to retrace my steps on a return visit to Paris, which I last saw in 1978. Dream. Dream. Dream. I want to make new friends and take free classes at the local college. I want to go out and eat. Spend hours in my bedroom surrounded by hundreds of beloved books, and actually relaxing and concentrating enough to READ books again. I want to be able to turn away from the Internet for long periods of time each day. I’ve not had a chance to read or ponder deeply in solitude. It’s going to be difficult for me to do this. I’ll feel that I always have to be doing or worrying about something. I have all these dreams even as time is flying by faster than it ever has. Fulfilling them seems a very distant prospect at the moment.
I looked at my hands today and saw the wrinkled skin of age as if for the first time. Could this be me? How much time have I got left? A foolish question. I have now, the present moment.
I want everything to change and yet, paradoxically, this is also what I greatly fear. I can see myself living alone in this big house in downtown Charleston, wandering rooms and hallways filled with books and boxes full of memories. How will I feel? Depressed? Alone? Anxious? Liberated? Will I continue doing what I do now in my limited free time and postpone any drastic changes such as moving soon after Mom is gone? Will I even need to do that much differently but instead re-focus my priorities and learn to practice calm?
Rooted now in the one place I can truly call “home,” will I actually want to leave? I spent two decades looking for a place to settle down. When Mom is no longer here, and even if I am for the first time in many years free from the constant demands and insidious stress of caregiving, I worry that I will feel an overwhelming sense of loss that I can never prepare for. But maybe, just maybe, I will decide to strike out on a new path, a new journey, a new life in whatever time I have left in this life.
Above and below, two of my favorite “old paths” that I have walked countless times at Charles Towne Landing and Magnolia Gardens. I can imagine myself always walking in these magical places, as long as I am here and even to the very end. If I moved I would miss these places more than I can ever express here.
Last updated October 27, 2016
Eriu ⋅ October 27, 2016
You'll feel great loss; she's your mom. At the same time you'll have reached a place of strength you never knew you had because of what you're doing now. You're the witness to what life is costing her now, how it's different than what it used to be for her, and you know you're doing all you can for her. You won't have to question if you could have done more. You'll miss her because you love her, but you'll be better able to cope for the same reason.
ConnieK ⋅ October 27, 2016
I found myself at loose ends after Mom died. I felt I should be DOING something. You find a new normal and learn anew that life changes.
Oswego ConnieK ⋅ October 29, 2016
I definitely see myself a loose ends, to put it mildly, but I hope I'm prepared to transition rather quickly to that "new normal."
ConnieK Oswego ⋅ October 29, 2016
It takes a few weeks, but you do find it.
Deleted user ⋅ October 28, 2016
I think you will grieve but also embrace the " New Life". You only get one and now is the time to be living it fully .
Oswego Deleted user ⋅ October 29, 2016
In my own way I think I live life as fully as I can given the constraints I'm under, but I do waste a lot of my precious free time, and that's something I really need to change.
Deleted user Oswego ⋅ October 29, 2016
It's an easy thing to do ..
Newzlady ⋅ October 28, 2016
I can't imagine you happily settled anywhere else except in the area you're in now, or the mountain town you mention wistfully. But do travel if you're able! In the meantime, put all your bucket list items on Post It notes and stick them up somewhere. Look at them every day and rearrange to prioritize as your whims dictate. I'd bet you'll find a few contenders stay in the top three. When you can, do those! Then move on to the next one. :)
Oswego Newzlady ⋅ October 29, 2016
That's a really interesting idea!
Marg ⋅ November 11, 2016
I don't think you'll know how you're going to feel until you're actually experiencing it. There will be a transition period - sure - but I have no doubt you'll get the opportunity to visit those places you write about and do all those things you dream of. In the meantime your dreams will keep you going. Where would we be without them?!