Processed in a facility that also handles the truth. in I Can't Believe It's Not Twitter™... Spray!

I figure it’s been a while since I’ve done of these, partly because life has been a tad bit more stressful lately, for various reasons, both political and personal. (You know the politics have ramped up beyond normal when an otherwise apolitical person [hi!] pays attention to politics for a change.) Also, just a heads-up, there are some Trump jokes in here, but in my defense, he keeps providing material. Skip ‘em if you want. Anyway, enjoy!

Me: Googling deliberate pun
Google: “Did you mean [popular thing]?”
Me: “No. I meant [pun]. Show me [pun].”
Google: shows popular thing

1990’s: “Look at how dark and gritty I am!”
21st century: “Aw, that’s cute.”

Night Me: looking at clock “Eh. We can probably get by on five hours of sleep tomorrow.”

Morning Me: rubbing eyes “You SUCK, Night Me.”

“Tom and Todd wait for no man.” - misunderstanding axioms down south

Burger King is going to release something called “The Whopperito,” which technically would mean “The Little Whopper.”

Me ‘92:”Not everyone needs a PC.”
Me ‘98:”Not everyone needs the web.”
Me 2011:”Not everyone needs an app.”
Me 2018:”Fine, VR for everyone.”

“10 Vegetables That Are Bad For You Unless You Buy Organic.”
Hey. Be glad I took a detour from chicken and Pringles, okay?

Did You Know™: Topology is NOT the study of that guy from “Fiddler On The Roof.”
.#TheMoreYouKnow #Tradition

“Trivia: Vending machines kill more people than sharks.”
Well, of course they do – you never see a shark shaking a vending machine.

“This office runs like a oil-welled machine.”
“…um, I think you m–”
“–I know what I said.”

My Immune System: “Hey, sorry for letting all of those viruses through last winter, but to make up for it we’ll overreact to plants.”

.#WhyYouAreNotMe That’s just how pronouns work.

I think I’ll celebrate #NationalWaffleDay. Well, maybe I won’t. Should I? I dunno. Yeah, I will. Probably. We’ll see.

I wonder if cows find it suspicious when farmers milk them. “Sir, you seem a bit old… Shouldn’t you have moved on to solid foods by now?”

When life hands you subpoenas, make subpoenade.

How a lot of arguments sound to me lately:
Person A: “Too much salt is bad for you.”
Person B: “Then how do you explain sugar substitutes?!”

Dear product reviewers/commentors: Yes, I get it, for X amount of dollars more I can get a better thing. That’s generally how pricing works.

Sometimes I get so tired of arguments that I have to ask my brain to stop imagining them.

Sony: “Your subscription ended due to payment failure.”
Me: “No, my payment ended due to subscription failure.”

Yo mama’s so outside idealized societal norms, individuals engage in describing hyperbolic scenarios to highlight the negative implications.

I really like the mornings when people visit my boss for meetings, because then he keeps the office at a humane temperature.

When CCR sings “tambourines and elephants are playing in the band,” are the tambourines sentient, or is a band member playing an elephant?

Because it uses a mirror, The Hubble Telescope can’t determine if there are vampires in space. #TheMoreYouKnow

“But I have an anecdotal sample size of 97 people that disagrees with your scientific study of nearly a quarter million people!”

.#TalkLikeAPirateDay it’s not really theft since I’m just duplicating data. They weren’t going to get a sale from me anyway. It’s victimless!

Lincoln: “You can fool all the people some of the time–”
Trump: “Can I? Great!”
Lincoln: “Wait, I wasn’t finished.”
Trump: “Nah, I’m good.”

“♪I hear babies cry…
I watch ‘em grow…“

Worst. Babysitter. Ever.

If you said something online, don’t later deny having said it.
Because The Internet Is Forever.

Since my wife has a small garden on the porch, technically that makes her a plant manager.

My least favorite earworm is the one from Wrath of Khan.

Person A: “[So-and-so] may be one of the smartest men alive.”
Person B: “He’s a joke to his peers!”
Me: “The two aren’t mutually exclusive.”

Google+ asked me: “What is the main reason you are using Google+ today?”
I chose [_]Other (please specify): and wrote “Clicked by accident.”

It’s okay to be someone else if that’s who you are. #ModernYogiBerraism

Psychic in 2014: “Donald Trump will be the Republican candidate, and clowns will terrorize the nation.”

Customer: “I’d like my money back.”

Microwave display: “ENJOY YOUR MEAL.”
Me: “Maybe I made this for someone else, didja ever think of that?”
(I need to stop reading comments.)

Leaked Trump TV fall lineup:
- “Who Wants To Win A Small Loan?”
- “The 3AM Show”
- “Grabbing With The Stars”
- “Wall of Fortune”
- “YUGE-i-Oh!”

Okay, that’s enough for now. Have a tremendous day!

Last updated October 18, 2016