This is it, my 300th entry on MyDiary, such a huge milestone I kinda have a lot to talk about so let’s begin
Lately I have been majorly depressed, my moods seem to be in long stages now rather then short ones, so for about 2-3 weens now I have been pretty depressed, my demons have been torturing me. I told my mother that sometimes I am not all here like one day when we went to the store, mentally my demons were beating me up inside, I chose to focus on my thoughts and them to fully understand what I have been feeling and they took control of my physical shell but let me control sometimes while they taunted and tore me up. I know it doesn’t make sense and it’s not MPD, I don’t have multiple personalities I am me, either real me or demon me. I bought a qtr of weed and my friend gave me the best stuff I have ever had I mean holy cow that stuff is potent and it has helped tremendously in many ways, it makes me feel so good not only when I smoke but the day after usually for a while.
Last night I had a crisis, I rarely cry though surprisingly for someone who goes through what I do mentally but it has helped me to be more religious because with each prayer I say I feel more hope in my heart and it’s hard to explain but god proved to me many times that he is real and all I ever did was abandon him because I was mad at my circumstances so last night I wrote my two biggest sins in life, when I abandoned him and the other was when I ran over a raccoon or possum, I killed one of gods creatures and I have never forgiven myself for either offence - believing that these sins are too grave to forgive no matter how many prayers I say and how much I beg for forgiveness but mother told me that god forgave me a long time ago when I came back and first asked. I just feel that I don’t deserve mercy, forgiveness, or peace. I really cried last night as I wrote down my confessions in a notebook. I felt so much shame, guilt, and sorrow I couldn’t hold it in anymore
Right now I am all alone basically cause my friend M recently has been drinking a lot, I think he is becoming an alcoholic, he is on probation and gets drug tested and cannot smoke weed, he told me that his parole officer said that despite his good work in classes and all won’t mean he gets off early and he is feeling really depressed cause he was hoping to get off early like in Jan but he might have to wait till July next year or so. I found an amazing christian rock band called “Ashes Remain” and I fell in love with their music.
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