Something Hurts In Time in 2016

I felt so frustrated earlier. Somehow, I ended up going to where I was supposed to drop off a passenger for an Uber ride, only I never picked them up in the first place. I was convinced I was going to get them, though it did seem strange that it took 15 minutes to get there. They didn’t contact me. Uber doesn’t let you cancel a ride once it thinks you have the passenger, so I had to finish it, then contact Uber to explain it and ask them to refund his stuff and not pay me.

On the way back into downtown Portland, my check engine light came on. I just felt so frustrated and powerless. I didn’t have my OBD sensor with me to plug in and check what code the light was, so I had to go home. Can’t risk driving people around when there could be something wrong, y’know?

I just felt so frustrated, so I got home, changed, and then went to the gym. I needed that. I’m the most out of shape I’ve ever been. One of my best friends in Medford linked me to my display pic on Facebook, which is about a year and 20 lbs ago, and the most recent one I was tagged in. Ugh. That helped too.

When I lost a bunch of weight through consistent exercise, as well as got back into playing bass, it was because of my emotions. Exercise and bass practice became cathartic releases for those emotions.

I’ve let myself go. It’s sad that I need to feel that frustration, or perhaps sadness, to motivate myself into betterment, but it is what it is. I’m going to have to dig at old wounds in order to get it, since things haven’t been bad lately. I feel damned good after just getting back from the gym and burning 840 calories on the treadmill in an hour-ish. I did it twice a day last year, so I need to go back to that. Even if it’s inconvenient, even if I’m tired, even though there’s no local cardio gym at my apartment complex now and Planet Fitness is a 10 minute drive without traffic.

Yeah, things aren’t as bad otherwise. I quit my job around the end of August. The stress was becoming too much. Counting myself, four employees left within a month, out of 24-ish people total. I’ve heard those that are left are working 55 hours a week. We weren’t even allowed overtime before. Desperation is a stinky cologne. I can only imagine how pissy the donors are at having to wait longer. The breaking point was probably just how shitty they became to us as a whole. Man, when you get in between someone and their money, they change a lot.

I now do the Uber and Lyft thing full-time. Well, full-ish. I’ve been pretty lazy and sleeping in a lot. Still, every customer is cool, I get to have interesting conversations with people from all over, and I make more money per hour(when I’m working, of course).

It’s not 100% awesome. I have a general sense of anxiety at all times, as if something bad happens to my car or I cause an accident, that could be it. I wouldn’t have a way to pay the bills. I’m also not used to not having paid time off. I went down to Medford for five days last month, so not only did I not get paid for those five days, I also spent a couple hundred bucks on food and random bullshit.

Still, it’s worth it. I can work whenever I want, so I have time to do homework or hang out with people.

I actually have acquired a decent crew of friends to hang out with regularly. We were going to bar trivia every Monday, but lately we’ve been trading off on hosting hangouts. Lots of drinking, lots of Cards Against Humanity and You Don’t Know Jack Party Pack games. Very fun. It’s still not the same as having tons of people to hang out with in Medford, but it’s a hell of a lot better than not really having anyone besides my roommate to hang out with like the first two years here in Portland.

The only real problem is, well, me. I’ve struggled with motivation. Once I start working, I’m fine. I just find every way to procrastinate and not start it. It’s the same with doing homework. Before tonight I hadn’t been to the gym in weeks. I haven’t played bass in months. It’s so frustrating. It always has to come to a boil before I do anything about it. Hopefully I can maintain improvement this time.