Vivid in The ugly truth about making babies

You guys, I had the most vivid dream about being pregnant last night. Down to what I was wearing and everything, conversations I was having. And to be honest, I woke up with tears in my eyes.

It was a random situation, I was in work, but not in uniform, and work wasn’t our ward, but we were in the middle of some kind of artistic exhibition and we were fitting in patients around the exhibits and people visiting the exhibition.

I must have been about 6 or 7 months, I had a pretty sizeable bump, but didn’t seem to have put any actual other weight on, and I knew I looked good. One of the guys I work with passed comment about my ass, and that he knew it was an inappropriate comment but he had to say something! It’s actually the kind of thing he’d say in real life. Not in a sleezy way, he’s just very straightforward. I remember saying to him, it’s all joey’s gone on about, he’s an ass man too!

It was super super vivid you guys. I think it’s after talking to joey’s brother and sister in law. I don’t know if I’ve ever written in detail about P and L, joey’s brother and sister in law? Basically they are infertile, they’ve done all the tests over the last few years and P has been diagnosed with complete infertility, they think following meningitis as a teenager.

They had their final procedure a few months ago and there’s absolutely no chance of them conceiving as P’s sperm doesn’t mature. They’ve been deciding whether they would use a donor or go straight for adoption, but we haven’t really discussed it over the last couple of months.

We caught up with them over the weekend, just the 4 of us, and I was chatting to L about it. They’re leaning towards donor, they’ve thought long and hard about it and L really wants the experience of being pregnant and bonding with the baby from the beginning rather than adopting a child. Generally in the UK you don’t adopt a child until they’re a few months old and they both really want that experience of having their baby from day one.

I have so much admiration for that. They were absolutely heart broken when they had had their final procedure and had the confirmation that they wouldn’t be able to conceive themselves.

Joey and I have briefly discussed donors and adoption. We’re obviously at the very beginning of our journey and hoping that these are things we won’t have to consider. I think we’re almost certainly going to need ivf and we’ve made our peace with that. We’re obviously hoping that that works for us and we have the outcome we want.

We’d been considering going to our doctor in the new year for a referral to the fertility guy, then my brother asked us to go to Australia next summer for his 30th, so we’re thinking we’ll go when we come back. Obviously there is a slim chance of things happening naturally before then, which would be amazing, but we’d probably be more shocked than anyone I think.

I do worry about age being a factor. I know that sounds crazy, I’ll be 32 I’m a few months so it’s not ancient at all, but ivf is not a straightforward process and there’s no guarantees of it working first time, if at all.

I just don’t know if waiting is the right thing, we really want a family. I’m back to being so incredibly frustrated that there is so little control in this situation when I’m a massive control freak!

Joey’s been good, he’s been only drinking at weekends, which means we don’t argue. We bicker over stupid stuff like every couple but the source of the rowing was always the drinking and it’s been way better. Which only makes it more confusing because things are so good, we’ve spoken A LOT about all this stuff, and we’ve got it. He’s actually been very reassuring about a lot of things I’ve been fearful about.

I think fearful is the right word. L said she feels like we’re in the same place they were at the start of their whole journey and it’s kinda put the fear in me. Not that I wasn’t anxious about so many things already, it’s just the fear of the unknown. It’s the not knowing what the outcome will be, whether everything we’ll have to go through will even result in us being able to have the family we want.

Xx