The End of Tuesday Night Dinner Date in On loves.

It’s September, and I realize that I haven’t spoken to Tuesday Night Dinner Date since April, or maybe before. Every time I’ve thought to call him in the past months, I’ve thought about how shitty he is and that I don’t really want to talk to him, so I listen to the radio instead.

I send him a text tonight, because, well. It’s been long enough. We were friends/best friends/dating for, how long? Two years? Three? I don’t really know.

ME: UM HI
ME: Gimme the latest!
HIM: I don’t talk to my exs anymore.
ME: Is that a serious text? (also, we were never together, reminder!)
HIM: I don’t talk to girls I have slept with. Inna [his current gf] finds it disrespectful to her.

I could have dropped it at that, but I felt heat rising in me. This is TNDD. He’s the most loyal/faithful/trustworthy guy you could date (but, of course, why would you want to..). So I let my mouth run.

ME: Ok so you don’t talk to people who have had meaningful roles in your life because your girlfriend doesn’t allow it.
ME: It’s more than a little hurtful to know that you’d throw away what was largely a friendship because you have a girlfriend who is insecure. Have a good life.
HIM: Sorry, I like being your friend, but I would rather not fight with the person I love to relive my past. Have a good life.

Again, could have dropped it there, but that fire was still burning hot.

ME: Any man who cuts off his friendships because of an insecure girlfriend will get what he deserves - an irrationally jealous girlfriend who will never trust him no matter what. Have fun with that.
HIM: Perhaps.

I send a text to my boyfriend - new bf. Best bf.

ME: How would you respond if I asked you not to talk to other girls you’ve slept with?
HIM: Why do you ask?
ME: Oh I just had that happen to me, haha
HIM: Oh I would tell you that you can’t dictate to me who i can and can’t be friends with
ME: But what if I think it’s disrespectful?
HIM: Then we have different views on what is respectful and what friendship means. And that’s a problem.
HIM: So what happened to you? Someone you’ve slept with messaged you.

[insert screen shot of my convo with TNDD]

HIM: Oh yeah that would be a major problem
ME: I’m so glad I’m dating you.
HIM: Because you would otherwise be dating a guy who loses his ethical center and friendships in a relationship?
ME: Because you’re so sensible and delicious.
HIM [in typical Best BF fashion]: And I have a peepee that doesn’t quit

I have this thing where I remember everything about everyone from my childhood. Everything about all the guys I’ve dated. I look at them all on Facebook, even the ones who have unfriended me, at least once a month. Go through the social medias of all the girls I used to be, but no longer am, friends with. I don’t want to forget anything, don’t want to lose sight of anyone (even if we’ve lost touch (ok, or they’ve blocked me)), and people tell me this is odd, but I can’t bear the thought of not knowing. When people unfriend me on Facebook, presumably because we went to high school together but haven’t spoken in a dozen years, it upsets me. I send them friend requests back. Usually they accept. Maybe they feel embarrassed that I noticed that they unfriended me. I don’t know. Sometimes they unfriend me again. Maybe they block me sometimes. I guess I wouldn’t know.

I feel like if I let these people drift away, lose track of them, if I can’t see them to check in and if they can’t see me to keep tabs…if it all just crumbles away and we disappear, then it seems like nothing that we were - friends, two parts of a relationship, sophomores at the same tie - matters. That it was all for nothing, means nothing, matters not. This is irrational, or so people tell me, but I don’t think that it is.

So when Tuesday Night Dinner Date essentially says, “I don’t want to even keep in touch at all because my insecure ex doesn’t like it and I don’t want to have a fight with her,” what I hear is, “That didn’t mean anything. We didn’t mean anything. You are in the past, and I prefer you stay there. Or go off into the future. Whatever. I don’t really care.”

I dunno. It’s just a super weird feeling.

But I am glad, every fucking day, that I’m not with him.

But still. I don’t know. You know?

edit:

oh, and then, reason #439 why Best BF is the best bf. We text all evening about stuff, mostly about sex clubs we want to go to, and then when it’s time to say goodnight:

ME: Ok going to stuff hormones up my coochie and fall asleep.
HIM: Coochie coochie coo.
ME: GOODNIGHT MY OWN PERSONAL GOD’S GIFT
HIM: GOODNIGHT STEAMY PUSSY HAVER

And it’s so dumb, and I love him so much, and it’s been over two years that we’ve dated, and I don’t have the butterflies anymore, you know? but I have the super deep in-loves. And we’re in couples counseling, which I don’t think I’ve mentioned, but is good, and we went to Europe last month together, and he is SO funny and SO smart and SO reasonable and SO goddamned cute. I think about how, after dating ex boyfriend Tim and again, after dating TNDD, I thought you could either get brilliant and hilarious and deep, or you could have loyal and emotionally stable and kind, and how in Best BF I’ve found both. And how that isn’t supposed to happen. But it did, and aren’t I the luckiest.

Last updated September 12, 2016