So - before when I talked about when I had to stop being friends with J a guy I knew since Kindergarten, I talked about my good side the one that’s optimistic about everyone and everything and that wants to give endless chances despite getting hurt and when things go wrong that side of me just says, “well it must have been something I did.” refusing to recognize what the real problem was because that side of me is too afraid to deal with it. Well the reason I am talking about it now is because ever since then when we stopped being friends, I would see him in my dreams, not as the guy who tore me down with his words but the good guy he could sometimes be, the friend that he sometimes was and last night in my dream (even though it was only a small portion of it) I walked into a restaurant where he worked (in real life he works at gamestop) and I sat down to eat basically ignoring him and his girlfriend comes over and sits down and starts telling me how I should go back and be friends with him again, trying real hard to convince me to do it but at that point I just realized that it was that side of me taking the form of his girlfriend to try to give that guy another chance, and that he would never change. I forced myself to remember all the bad things he did to me or said to me and I just looked at her and said “I’ll think about it.” The reason I didn’t flat out say no was because whenever someone asks me to do something I always feel really bad about saying no so by habit it is always just a maybe.
I just want to get over him, the majority of me is happy he is out of my life. But that side of me refuses to let go of the good memories I had with him, and the only way that side of me can get the rest of me to listen to him is by conveying his message through my dreams where that side of me can take a form instead of just being in my head. He takes the form of J most of the time but last night he took the form of his girlfriend to try and convince me, and deep down I really wanted to go back I guess but the instant I think of that I think of all the bad times and just say no.
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