Happy Anniversary. in Musings

Happy Anniversary Alexander.

Thank you for the orchids… But we’re done… Where were you when I needed you? Where were you when I loved you?

It’s too fucking late…

I made amends with you. I let go because I had to. I loved you and will always love you, but I had to give up on you.

I gave my best but you didn’t give me yours… You beat the fuck out of me. You didn’t take me seriously.

And now that it’s our anniversary, I get it… I miss you so much… But you’re still that guy who has and will continually abuse me. What’s fucked up is that I know that in your warped mind, you love me…I know that not only do you love me, I will be the one oothat got away from you…I will be Andy and no one will ever satiate the misery you made me live through…

Your karma is that you will always see me, you will always compare everyone to me… You will have flashes of my smile and hear my laugh… You will have flashes of me in orgasm as you reach your own climax… You will always have my face in your memory… And you will always be fucked in the limbo you’ve created for yourself, knowing that I’m so much happier without you, that I only wish you the best. I promise you, I want you to be happy… I’m not jealous, I just want you to be happy…

You would beat me to fucking filth. You would box me so hard I couldn’t see out of my eyes. I would have slits for eyes. You never fucking cared… And I married you… I worshipped you and excused you… I adored you… And maybe that was my own fault because you are fucking white and I’m fucking Puerto Rican.

I see your flowers for our anniversary. I smiled and smelled them…fuck I’d be so heartless to not accept them or remember those memories you’re trying to manipulate out of me… All of my friends and my co-workers said “it’s nice babe, but he’s a fucking monster” and all I could think is, “but he loved me and loves me, I don’t care if he beat me!! He loved me, somewhere deep in his heart he adored me!”

Isn’t that sick? I’m fucking sick, because where the fuck are you now? You gave me a black eye, bruised ribs, a casted hand and you were never fucking there! I would crawl on my knees to you.

You fucking showed me to love myself before any one at all.

I’m not going to deny that I want to be with you… I want to crawl onto your chest…I want to pin you down and you giggle and tell me “Babe you’re so beautiful” and then you overcome me…

The funny thing about us… Is that I never wanted to fall out of a heterosexual norm… I’d be the woman, and you’d be the man. I didn’t care how it affected my own masculinity. I worshipped you and still do… The way a girl worships her man… The way society tells a woman to be submissive to her man… I put my own manhood away and I loved you…

I fell for you so hard. My feet were off the ground… You fucking hurt me beyond emotionally… You hurt me so hard physically…

You fucking blacked my eye. Bruised my ribs. Slapped me. Spit on me. And I was the woman… I took your shit.

I could never love again because of how you destroyed me. And maybe that’s giving you too much power over me, but I wholeheartedly admit that I was a strong man, who succumbed to an emotional vampire.

I know how you’ve diminished me… I’m Puerto Rican… I’m absolutely not stupid. I thought you loved me…

I thought you not only loved me but lived me and every aspect you didn’t understand of me , you relished in me.

Only now in retrospect I feel stupid that I adored every inch of you, every fucked up piece of you, everything about you I literally and truly sucked at the mantel of the ideas you consisted of. I’m a fucking dumb fucking bitch to have ever had adored you so much more than how I loved myself…

Alexander… You will always have a piece of my heart… Fuck, I think you’re an amazing man, you’re a wonderful husband, you are (and will always be) my best friend , an incredible lover, and the biggest beautiful disaster of my life. I promise that I will never stop loving you. You were and are the reason I exist…

I slept on your chest and synchronized my breathing to yours… I fucking exist because I was made for you… I believe I am and will always be made for a you.

I see how much you squirm when you see me with someone else. But I also see how you look at me and how you interact with me when I’m with someone else.

Babe, I wish the world were different. How I shouldn’t discover my self worth. I see how I was wrong assuming that you wanted a parody of heteronormativity. I’m not a woman, you’re not a man… We never had to pretend… I loved you just the way you were… I hope you loved me just the way I am…I’m not a woman… I’m not a man… I’m a human being and I love you for being a human being too, but you still haven’t reached that maturity…

Maybe some day, in a different world and a different dimension—you will love me the way I yearn for and deserve.

Happy Anniversary mon tresor. There is no way to tell you how much I love you… J’taime. Te Amo. Te quiero. Te adoro. I worship the very ground you step on…

I’m sorry it didn’t work out. But I worship every part of you, I love you blindly. Maybe, you’ll grow up to understand the extent of my love.
I still wear your engagement ring. I can’t get over you, but I need to love myself more…and I know that you know that… I’ll always be your husband, your lover, your best friend…

As many black eyes you’ve given me… I’m not stupid… I know you’re a good person. I know I’m a good person.

I can’t take your time engagement ring off…I want to… But that ring means so many memories I refuse to get rid of. I divorced you for my own well being…but I will always belong to you.

Anyone who loves me and wants to be with me, has to know you and understand you, to understand who I am.

I’m fucking crying so hard.

I miss you so much.

I miss you swiping your hand over my face and saying “got your nose!”

I miss waking up next to you and feeling you stretch next to me at sunrise. You never failed to kiss my forehead or my hands or my shoulder or whatever small, intimate part of my body was exposed to you in the day light. I always pretended to be asleep, but I know you kissed me wherever you could after your morning stretch. I would hear your feet shuffle, I’d smile and fall asleep lightly, hearing you move throughout our bedroom, in the bathroom, buckling your shoes, hearing the jingle of you putting on your watch.

I miss you saying “babe! I got a secret!” And i was always so gullible and you’d just burp in my ear.

I miss you measuring your hands against mine, kissing my wrist and then saying “I win, your hand is smaller so my dick is bigger!” and I’d gasp and roll my eyes.

I miss you coming out of the H&M dressing room “baby? These pants look good?” Or shopping for your cologne “baby, you like that smell on me?”

I miss when you lay naked on top of me and I laugh saying “i love you! Alex” and you’d lay there lightly and then squish me “I love you too”

I miss the way you would sneak up behind me and wrap your arm around my waist or around my shoulder and kiss me, when you felt threatened that I was talking to some random guy at a bar or a club.

I miss your huge hands caressing my face, running your thumbs over my lips.

Alexander… You will never know the extent and intricacies of my love for you.

I can still smell the scent of your skin. It’s imbedded in my nostrils. The smell of your dirty hair. The scent of your clean hair. The scent of your button up shirts after a long day of work, the scent you left on the unused shirts.

I read your drunk texts and they scare me, because they have been so frequent.
Sometimes I wait up for them, and I wait for the paragraphs to stop.

I know you haven’t stopped loving me. In your own warped way. But I started loving myself.

And last night after your drunk texts, you came to my door.
You cried. You damned your whole existence, because you realized how much of a bitch karma is…

You slept next to me…
and you woke up in the morning and you hocked up whatever you had in your throat… but you did the same thing you’ve always done… you kissed the tips of my hair as you inhaled me.

I was awake… I never fell asleep…

You threw on your suit jacket and I layed there in sunrise. Hoping that whatever you said in those texts and whatever you said drunkenly stuck with you soberly.

Happy Anniversary baby… I do remember when we first met. I do remember our first date… I do remember how much you were so goofy…

I remember. I’ve never forgotten Alex… I married you hoping that those memories would replicate themselves and transform themselves in our marriage.

I remember Alex. I never forgot that our anniversary is today and actually it’s at midnight on August 24th.

But, what would you like me to do?

I’m happier without you… I can’t care what makes you happy anymore.
If you want me the way you say you do. If you love me an inkling of how you say you do, you will work harder and stronger and youre actions will show me that you truly love me an inkling of how much I worship you.

Forever yours Alex,
Andres.