I was very surprised yesterday that he called me. I was all set to just write off this friendship. I didn't think I would be hearing from him at least for another month or so. At some point during the day yesterday, I just got the feeling that I would hear from him around 5 or so as that is the time he had been calling me for a while when he was. That was the time he was on his way home from work, he would give me a call. But I just forgot all about that, 5 came and went and it never even crossed my mind. Finally, a little after 6 my phone rings. It was him after all. I guess he does a late run now... he says he's been doing it since October and that he tells me about it all the time.
That is not true. He clearly just doesn't realize how little we actually speak now. It was in October that we hit the big heartbreak. Since then, we slowed way down progressively.
Either way, we talked for a long time but it was mostly about work. I kept trying to talk about other things but he was pretty much shut down about that stuff. It was sweet because the reason he called me was because he was in the town I used to live in and he smelled all the wood stoves burning. That is sweet because I have told him how much I loved that smell. It was one of the things I really loved about living out there. It was as if I knew I was "home" once I turned onto our street because it's all I could smell the entire way home and how that smell just reminded me of "home". I just find that really nice that he would smell that and think of me. Idk, maybe I'm just making too much of that.
Aside from the reason that prompted the phone call, I was unimpressed. The conversation was pretty boring. I actually hung up with him because he got back to base and I figured he would just be talking to everyone else pretty soon and my kids were still up and we needed to do things to get them ready for bed. I just don't feel it for him anymore.
In the meantime, Lou has got me thinking about him now. In a very nice way. He has called me baby a few times, he as referred to me as "his angel", and now he called me boo. I really like this guy.
I don't know what I feel for George anymore. I'm sure that if he really started to put the effort in, I would be right back there. I don't mean that in the same way as before. I really want to pursue things with Lou now. He is just better for me. I just know that sometimes, life just doesn't work that way. Life gets messy. At least for me it does. I am never really cut and dry with someone I really care about. I almost always waiver. No matter what things have become with George, he is still in my heart. He never did anything really terrible to me. He is still a good man. I think we both love each other. I know that we are both really good people. We both want what is best for the other. It's just hard when you care so much about someone and you know you can't give the other person what they need, yet you don't want to see them with someone else even though you know that it is what's best for them. I think that is where we are both at right now. I think he may be hurting from when I told him that I'm interested in someone else (Lou). He probably is. I don't want him to hurt. But at the same time, he's still in love with his ex gf, he's still fucking the girl that came between us and he has no intention of stopping that now. He is also considering other women to fuck too. So I do feel badly for him if he is hurting but that only goes so far. He may have underestimated me. He may have let himself think that I wouldn't go to anyone else because of how I feel about him, knowing the kind of person I am. He knows how nice I am and he knows how I feel about him. But just because I am nice, that doesn't mean I'm weak. I am strong and I am confident. I know that I deserve to be treated really well. I am a good person. The biggest mistake a person can make is to underestimate people like me. If you can't treat me right, you can be sure someone else will. He didn't want to have any kind of commitment to me, that's fine. He is young and he is free for the first time in his life. He shouldn't have to be committed to anyone if that's not what he wants. I truly do want him to go out there and explore the world. I want him to be with as many women as he can be with. I just can't be one of them while he's doing that. In the mean time, I will be doing what works for me. And enjoying the company of a real man, who is willing to take his time with me and treat me right is what works for me. As I was thinking about George today, I was thinking that perhaps when he gets out there and explores more and finds himself, he will always look back at me with regret and think of me as the one who got away. Who knows.