Martin Shkreli in Chunky giblets

DISCLAIMER Don’t be offended by this. If you are, don’t tell me, I don’t really care. This is satirical.

Actually, whilst I’ll be using my usual acerbic style, I actually really fucking hate this guy. Just throwin’ that out there before you actually think I like him.

Martin Shkreli aka Pharma Bro is a Steve Buscemi impersonator best known for raising the price of a specialty AIDS medication by nine thousand percent. Daraprim is a somewhat antiquated drug that treats toxoplasmosis; it was approved by the FDA in the same year that Hulk Hogan was born. What the hell is toxoplasmosis? Toxoplasmosis is a disease caused by a parasite that spreads through cat shit. That means if you have no immune system because AIDS and your cat’s litterbox smells like a meth lab, you probably need Daraprim because you have worms in your brain.

Shkreli had a plan to make money. The plan was cut and dry, completely legal. Find a drug with a niche market and no generic, buy all the rights to it, take measures to ensure you have no competition, and then change the price from $13 to $750 per pill. The best part? Government and insurance companies will be paying for it. Rich Uncle Pennybags salutes you.

Needless to say people got mad.

Today, Shkreli fancies himself a God-tier troll. He’s got his dick out for Harambe, he’s taking on those SJW pussies and he’s all about that #MAGA. He even went on the Milo Yiannopoulos show. Fuck man, that’s the whole nine yards. How do you feel about ethics in video game journalism?
To reach this point was a journey. Shkreli’s first taste of fame came in the form of dozens of death threats, thousands of news articles calling him the most evil man alive, and about a million tweets calling him a piece of shit. His response: “aint my fault”.

The heat eventually caught up with Shkreli and he set his Twitter to private, saying he would answer all questions in an upcoming news interview. Nothing really got answered and he turned his twitter back on about a month later.
Very smart people believe that Martin Shkreli just wants to be loved. When everyone hates you, who can you turn to for love? People who hate everything. Martin found that he had amassed a small following of trolls and suddenly evolved overnight from a gangsta-rap quoting brooklyn wigger to a dank meme spaghetti eating prankster.

Shrekli took his trolling IRL and raised the bar for everyone by pranking the shit out of the entire United States Congress. Shkreli stole a piece from Dave Chapelle’s playbook and spent the entire time pleadin tha fif.

Before you give credit to Shrekli for that outstanding performance, keep in mind that the gray-haired suit whispering in his ear is his new Illuminati handler Benjamin Brafman, best known for representing Jay-Z and Puff Daddy whenever they steal a beat from real musicians. That man’s calling the shots. Without his sage wisdom, Shkreli would have followed through with his promise to educate congress on how to make money in pharma, which would have undoubtedly been the greatest self pwn of all time.

Martin Shkreli is the sole owner of only copy of Wu-Tang’s unreleased double album “Once Upon a Time in Shaolin”. He paid two million dollars for the album, and nobody under the age of 30 gives a shit. RZA of Wu-Tang claims that the sale was agreed upon before Shkreli hiked the price on Daraprim, and after finding out who he was they donated the proceeds to charity.
Wu-Tang talked some shit about Shkreli, and every Wu-Tang fan had their jimmies turned upside down when they found out they’d probably never get to hear the album. Shkreli threatened to destroy the album, and released a video with three juggalos telling Ghostface Killah to step off.

In an attempt to reignite the butthurt he got from Wu-Tang fans, Shkreli wanted to buy the rights to the new Kanye album for 15 million. Kanye ignored the bait but Shkreli seized on the prank opportunity and claimed to have sent someone named Duquon 15 million USD in bitcoins.
The crypto community quickly debunked this stating that there was no 15 million dollar transaction in the ledger but that didn’t stop Shkreli from hunting down the elusive Satoshi for answers. Around this same time, someone stole Martin’s credit card and used it to send him $1500 worth of anal lube. A kind gesture to someone who just got bilked for fifteen million.