Another one in Stolen surveys.

Song that always makes you sad?

“Sorry I ran over your puppy, and that it died slowly.”

Last thing you bought?

An hour with your wife.
No offense sir, but I might like a refund.

Last person you argued with?
I don’t know, they haven’t put a marker with his name on the grave yet.

Do you put Butter before putting the peanut butter on?
No, but I make sure she’s pretty wet first.

One of your stuffed animals’ names as a kid?
Which one?

Did you ever own at one time a Barenaked Ladies Cd?
I didn’t own him, he just came over for a few hours on Sundays.
Who the Hell told you about it anyway? It was supposed to be a private deal.

Did you take Piano lessons?
Nope

Most frequent song played?
Don’t have one.

T.V. show you secretly enjoy?
Gilmore Girls.
That’s right, go ahead make fun.

Would you rather play basketball or hockey?
Flip a coin.

Date someone older or younger?
Yes!

One place you could travel right now?
Anywhere I pretty much wanted, but I’d be broke once I got there.

Do you use umbrellas?
Just my finger.
But, hey, I can be talked into anything. You want the umbrella open or closed?

Do you know all the words to the Canadian national anthem?
Is that actually a real place?

Favorite Cheese?
Swiss.

The Smiths or the Cure?
Are they like the Hatfields and McCoys?

Do you prefer Blondes or Brunettes?
One of each please.

Best job you ever had?
Blow.

did you go to your high school prom?
No, but I went to just about everyone else’s. The last one was when I was 22.

perfect time to wake up?
Sunday

perfect time to go to bed?
When she’s willing?
Or naked and tied up.
Or she’s too drunk to recognize you.

do you use your queen right away in chess?
I use the other guys queen first. Kind of like using his wife, but they tend to get more pissed off about the queen thing.

Ever been in a car accident?
Yes. I saw a wreck once, and crawled in to check for wallets and tits.

closer to mom or dad…or neither?
Mom had better tits and liked to cuddle afterwards more so then dad.
(Oh come on, you know you wanted to say that too lol)

what age is this exciting life over for you?
I’m still waiting for the excitement to start.

what decade during the 20th century would you have chosen to be a teenager?
Right now. With the internet and all it’s information at my finger tips.....
.......ok, fuck the information crap, actually I could get laid a lot more now if I was a teenager.

Favorite shoes you have EVER owned?
Yours. They look much better on me.

Do you have an article of clothing you have had since you were in high school?
A cheer leading outfit.
It was better before before her body deteriorated and turned to dust, but at least now I can dance around in it without bones and shit falling out of it.
(You know you thought of that too)

Were you in track and field?
No, I was never there, and have no idea who buried the body under the track or the field. I mean if there was a body at all. Like I said, I didn’t put her there.
I wasn’t even in the area that September.
I mean, if it was a “her,” in the first place.
Next question please.

Were you ever in a school talent show?
Nope

Have you ever written in a library book?
Nope, I don’t deface books.
I might have accidentally made some pages stick together, but it wasn’t on purpose.

Allergic to?
Allergens

Favorite fruit?
Something that’s easy to get back out.

Watermelon?

Have you watched sex and the city?
Yes, but they closed the curtains.

Baseball hat or toque?
Definitely a Toque, because I don’t know what it is.

Do you shampoo first in the shower or soap?
I get wet first.

Wet the toothbrush or brush dry with the toothpaste?
This question must be for the Yuppie tooth brushing group?

Pen or pencil?
Flashlight!

Have you ever gambled at a casino?
Yes

Oh, you said AND the city, not in the city. Duh.

Have you thrown up on a plane?
I tried but it was too high to reach it.

Have you thrown up in a car?
Yes, sorry about that. You should have locked it.

Have you thrown up at work?
You are into this vomit thing aren’t you?

Do you scream on roller coasters?
It’s the only place that I don’t scream.

Who was your first prom date?
When I was 12, a family friend took me to a peep show on 42nd street. It was weird, yet cool at the same time.

Who was your first roommate?
Some whiney guy, who hated that he didn’t have a girlfriend, but would never leave the apartment.
Damn, we’d have a lot more in common these days it seems.

What alcoholic beverage did you drink when you got drunk for the first time?
Someone spiked some orange juice when I was around 10 years old, but no one told the people we were visiting, and just as luck would have it, I was thirsty.

What was your first job?
Bus boy.

What was your first car?
1985 Renault piece of shit Encore.

When did you go to your first funeral?
When I was around 3 or 4. Freaked me the fuck out, but I kept quiet.

How old were you when you first moved away from your hometown?
I never did. My home town moved away from me. Bunch of whiney assholes.
Get the fuck back here!!

Who was your first grade teacher?
Linda. I only remember cause she was hot.

Oh shit, you asked PROM date, not PORN date before. Ok, forget what I said.

Where did you go on your first airplane ride?
Up into the sky.
Are you a person of special needs writing a survey for some
group home project.
Stick to eating glue.

When you snuck out of your house for the first time, who was it with?
I never had to sneak out, I was encouraged to go.

Who was your first Best Friend and are you still friends with them?
Sally, and yes, but don’t tell the person who took this survey before me. She doesn’t know about me and Sally.

Where did you live the first time you moved out of your parent’s house?
Umm, down to their basement. It’s not so bad here, and the cheer leader doesn’t smell anymore either.

Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day?
Mother fucker!!
But he never responds.

Who’s wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid or a groomsmen?
I don’t get invited to weddings.
I’m guessing that my great looks, charm, and the bulge in my tux is some kind of a threat to the groom or something.

What is the first thing you do in the morning?
Complain about my shitty life to myself

What was the first concert you attended?
Andy Gibb. (I was trying to get laid for the first time, so yes, I went along to see him)

First tattoo or piercing?
When I’m in my 70s.

First celebrity crush?
Blondie!

No, I didn’t want to fuck Andy Gibb, I was trying to fuck my girlfriend, who asked me to go see him with her.

It worked, except I was too nervous and couldn’t get it up.

Go ahead, make fun.

I did get it up eventually though.

Unfortunately, it was after she left.

But it was still a nice boner.

Last updated August 15, 2016