Welcome To My Rant. in Musings

you that runs from the light, follow darkness like a dream.

here’s my new apartment.

i didn’t want anyone to stay with me. I felt like I could do it on my own, but the first sign of scary… I called my mom…

Do you know what Alex said to me? He said verbatim “I get why guys like you… but I don’t get why you let black guys fuck you”

I really scoffed at that…

Like he really still affects me…

First of all… who ever fucks me is none of your fucking business… second of all my mother is a half white, half african-slave descendant… third of all I don’t know where you get your fucking information because I don’t like dark skinned men, and I don’t like black men at all… so black guys don’t fuck me… or have ever fucked me.... you fucking racist prick…

I felt so butt hurt about that, because it made me realize… I’m not white, but I’m not black and I don’t find an attraction to dark skinned men, but for some reason that makes me racist…because I should be all inclusive…but i don’t like dark skinned men and I never have… it’s not like I haven’t given it a go, but if I’m not attracted and when a dark skinned man hits on me, I immediately friend zone them… is that racist of me? I don’t fucking know…

How dare Alex worry about who’s dick I’m taking up my fucking ass!!! You beat me, fuck you…just know that the dicks that have been up my ass are YOUR BESTFRIEND who’s from portugal and Luiz who’s from Brazil… and here I’ll say sorry not sorry… you cant fuck me unless you pass the paper brown bag test… bitch my asshole is still segregated and it’s a whites only fountain… call it what you want… i don’t find dark skinned men attractive for any reason… maybe i am racist…

when a man who hits on me at a bar… and I entertained him… and I was like..”Fuck it, let’s fuck, that what you want from me” in my head, tells me “Hey Andy, I know you for 30 minutes and I want you to know I’m HIV + and I think you’re fucking sexy and fucking beautiful” and he grabbed my hand as if he was apologizing for his condition… “but you’re fucking stupid and blind to how beautiful you are baby” he said kissing my hand.

What the fuck does this beautiful bullshit mean?! Please, God… please tell me why they want to fuck me but feel like because I’m so “beautiful” they can’t just fuck me, it impedes in there way… I’m not as good as they think I am…

There have been so many times in my life that I’ve wanted to take my own life away…

And as a teenager, I almost suceeded drinking clorox.

As an adult… I don’t want to be here. I fucking hate my existence. I fucking hate the way people perceive me… and I want to change, but I’m always some sort of permutation of there fucking perception…

Alex, Luiz, Sean, Chris, Byron whoever else I’ve dated and all the men I’ve ever interacted with and women always see me as some fucking delicate little flower…

and I get it…

I am fragile… but not as fragile as you think I am…

my mom stood over my apartment, she found a vial of cocaine in the box of memories where i also keep my pictures in…

she hasn’t told me anything…
i know her heart is broken…
and i know i’m a fucking addict animal… i eat hearts and broken dreams for breakfast.

i know she’s sleeping on the vial…
i know she knows what it is…
i know she knows that i’m not okay and that for some reason my broken-ness is her fault, but it’s not…

i threw out all of the cocaine vials in my house… while she slept on that one. i don’t want her to cry or kill herself thinking she failed in this world…

i’m fucking petrified…

i have a story…like a true addict.
please don’t blame yourself…
i was born broken…don’t absorb what isn’t yours mami… it breaks my fucking heart…

i feel like a fucking drug addict failure…

and here i am… sitting on this chair in my fancy apartment… living off of trust fund baby money…

and i’m a motherfucking failure.

and alex telling me that i fuck black dick and he’s disgusted by me… NIGGA WHAT BLACK DICK?! I grew up in the projects with a sleuth of black dick… and I was uninterested… what black Dick you think is fucking me? and why is it disgusting if I fucking rode black dick?!

Sometimes I adore him and worship the ground he walks on after getting the shit beat out of me like I was in Mortal Kombat… and sometimes I just look at him like he’s a piece of shit that will never understand me…a white piece of shit.

maybe i failed..

i’m only concerned about my mother’s perception of me…

don’t perceive me in any fucking way… i’m still you’re baby… you still protect me… i’m sorry Mami…

I want to drown in ativans, slit my wrist in a bubble bath and chug champagne until im blue in the face…

i also miss dylan…
i miss her a lot… i’m lost without her and im angry that she took the cheap way out. Fucking killed herself… really? It wasn’t that hard for us!!! I don’t care how bullied you were… You fucking took the cheapest, trashiest most asshole way out… and i’m angry that im angry at her, because i don’t know how to feel.