I never thought I would see the day that my ocd thoughts of George changed from longing for him to finally being over him. I just wish I could get rid of the ocd thoughts about him all together. You would think that once I'm over him, the ocd thoughts would just go away. It's weird. I have finally been realizing not only that he just isn't the right one for me but also that there are just other people out there who can meet my needs. He is not the only fish in the sea so to speak. I really hate to use this phrase no matter who it is being used on but it really does apply. The phrase is that as it turns out, he is very replaceable. I do hate to say that about anybody. It's just that I have been thinking about how much I love him for so long, I didn't want to allow myself to think about the fact that there is nothing about him that is so special that I can't find it in someone else. I think I just got accustomed to the assholes that I have been meeting for so long before George. When our friendship started changing, I only allowed it to change because I thought he was different from everyone else. And he is. He is a good man. He's not a bad person and I do still love him. I just need to see things for what they are now. He is in no position to give me the things that I need. I had all but forgotten what things I really do like and dare I say need from a man. I have met so many users and losers and liars that I thought that George was just the best thing out there. I had forgotten what it can be like to be with a real man. George is very much a child. I'm sure it was those child like qualities that drew me to him. He is fun. He makes me feel very wanted. He is def very good with that. But after having met Lou, I am reminded of what it feels like to be with a real man. Lou is respectful. He makes me feel wanted too. The big difference is that Lou wants only me. George does want me but he wants every woman he sees. I thought I was special in the beginning but as it turns out, he probably just thought I was easy. That really hurt. He continued to hurt me throughout our relationship. I just kept putting up with it as I altered what my idea of acceptable is because of how I felt about him. Now that I met Lou, I have been reminded of what it feels like to be respected. It's so weird that George always told me how much respect he has for me yet never showed it. Lou has never once used the word respect but his actions show it consistently.
I have been getting the feeling very consistently from George that things will soon be over with us in every way. This whole so called friendship will vanish into thin air as I have decided that there is just nothing left for me to pursue anymore. If I thought for a minute that he really did consider me to be a friend, I would be willing to do the work to keep it together. But when I sense that if I don't do the work the friendship will eventually just fade away into thin air, then it's time to just let it go. I can't say that I'm not sad to see it go. But I have simply come to accept it. It's not the first time I have lost a friend. It's never easy to let go of a friendship but when it is so one sided, it's clearly not a friendship at all. Luckily, I have plenty of other friends to see me through. I'm not nearly as alone in it this time as I have been in the past when I lost friends. I have good friends and I have my family. I have to believe that when God removes us from a situation, it is wrong to keep trying to get back into it. So with that said, I say thank you God for giving me the clarity to see this for what it is and the strength to let it go. I also say thank you God for putting Lou in my life even if it is for this transitional period.
Thank you God!