long time no see in just testing

I dunno why I'm not into writing!

I was all about it on OD and then OD broke and almost all my faves came over to PB so it should be like the same thing but I guess it isn't?

Anyway - no news is good news, I'm doing well. I don't even know where to start. I feel like I stopped reading and writing around thanksgiving.

My thanksgiving was good. Me & Will split the holiday this year. Basically both of us like our own families food and don't like sitting through 2 diners and eating till we're sick and being tired, etc. I didn't mind splitting the holiday.

Christmas was wonderful also. My mom gave me $500 which I put toward my credit card. I was in the $7000's this summer and now I'm in the $5000's. I've really been scrimping to put $2000 towards my card 5 months. Any movies out or dinners out Will pays for. I never even suggest going out cause I can't afford it. He also does almost all the grocery shopping. Which is good cause I save $$ but bad cause he does not shop healthy at all or follow my list much.

I was pretty cheap with presents but Will wasn't. As much as I might feel guilty about it, he's happy to 'provide' for me. He got me a pretty kitty necklace and a giant cat tower for our kitty family. Those things are expensive and this one is like 6ft tall! And then there were little things like ear muffs and silly socks, etc.

New Year's was good too. Went to my BIL's restaurant. He also works in great places so the food was divine. I was not feeling NYE this year. I dunno why. If it weren't for my family I'd prob just stay in and sleep the ball drop away. But I did have a good time out so I'm glad I didn't.

New Year Goals:

LOSE WEIGHT. Of course to lose weight. I'm back on myfitnesspal and so far I'm on track.

CRUISE. I am determined to pay off my debt this year and go on another cruise in 2015 - not using my credit card btw lol.

BABIES? The longer it takes me to pay off my bills and the older I get the more I back away from ever having a baby.

• baby / no baby rant*

I have absolutely no savings and although I work at a daycare I couldn't afford to put my kid there. I work at 6:30am so I'd have to find a nearby daycare that opens before then just to get my kid settled and make it to work.

We're just making it where we live right now - with nothing being put towards savings. We can't afford to move any place bigger any time soon. And putting baby bills in the mix won't make moving out any easier. 3 of my friends have to move back home because they have kids and no savings - I could do that. My parents have the room but they wouldn't want it , I wouldn't want it and Will definitely wouldn't want it. I barely know anyone with kids my age who's 'making it'. They're all 'getting by' and usually the dad is working 2 jobs or overtime or something.

Plus - it's stressful - babies get sick - I've seen more than my share of vomit at the daycare. Their poop slides out of the diaper. They vomit right in your hands. They don't notice or care about boogers on their face. They get fevers out of the blue that scare the shit out of you.

They demand your attention 100% of the time. There's no time for most mom's to put their feet up and relax with a show or movie they actually want to watch until their kid goes to sleep, IF they're kid goes to sleep. The mom's that work get up way early to shower/hair/make up because they have to. SAHM's basically roll out of bed with a car sear weighing them down when they get to the school.

Babies want things like toys and dance class, etc. If I had a baby at this moment, putting them in daycare would stretch me so thin I couldn't afford anything else. And disappointing my own kid cause I'm broke would kill me with guilt

And what if something goes wrong? What if you child comes out sick with cancer - or with some rare disease - or still born - or with some kind of mental / physical complication. Those situations I can only imagine are extremely tough - maybe too tough for me & Will.

And COLLEGE - what about college?! I can't count on my bundle of joy getting a full ride scholarship. How does anyone afford college? And even if college was free. Do I want to be woken up at 1am to help my kid with a paper that's due in a few hours. Do I wanna worry about my child getting drunk or raped or pregnant themselves? What if they flunk out? What if they get into drugs?

I don't mean to offend mom's. I know I'm listing all the bad and none of the good like their love, hugs, smiles and the fact that they should be able to help you out when they're older. I'm sure most mothers and daughters are best friends in a way I can't even realize. And giving the world for someone you love must be a wonderful feeling. Plus the cuteness factor when they aren't being sick or bratty.

Maybe the way I cope with not having a kid is by focusing on all the crappy things about kids but 'm not making it up either. All the crappy things I listed are true.

And the more I see bratty kids out in the world demanding things in stores, making messes in restaurants and basically taking over my friends lives on the weekends makes me happy I'm not pregnant. I get that when you have young kids you're freedom on weekends is basically taken away but do I want that. When I work all week and then come home I don't think I want another job of tending to a child. I really just wanna make a meal and veg out on the couch.

I'm going to be 33 this year. I'm not getting any younger and working at a daycare now makes me feel like - I'd wanna be a stay at home mom or something if I was going to do this at all.

I mean if was paid more I'd work at my daycare and bring my kid in and then take it home with me and we'd have the afternoon together but in the type of situation where I'd work because I wanted to - not because I HAD to.

Not in the situation where I am now where taking a day off unpaid isn't an option unless I'm at death's door. Cause Will can't support the 2 of us alone, let alone 3 of us if a baby comes along.

Maybe I'm selfish but it seems so much easier to pay my bills, save my money, go on cruises - maybe get a bigger place because we want to - not because we need to. Buy unnecessary food we want instead of just the basics, have nicer clothes and have our weekends for our own rest and relaxation.

Only time will tell but I think I can still be happy with a life like that - without kids.

And my friends have kids and some family members have kids and I could spoil them and actually take trips out to SEE my family out in California and North Carolina and Texas if I wanted to - and I want to. And they invite me all the time but we're broke. I can't afford the flight and barely fit in the airplane seat!

I have one aunt who never had kids and she doesn't work and has her own horse!!!! She does yoga on the beach and rides horses in the afternoon and can buy anything she likes [she mostly buys horse stuff] !!

I could be happy with that. I know moms believe that being a mom is the happiest you can be - but it's not for everyone. When I slowly let it leak out to friends or co - workers [who ask me when a baby is coming] that a baby may never come they're like "What?!" as if it's crazy to CHOOSE not to. I get a little offended by that - like there's no life unless you're a mom.

Of course - a lot of people who give that reaction are younger than me - they don't know how expensive and tough life can be without marriage or kids - they just assume marriage and kids are the only option to how to live life.

I was like that too. I couldn't imagine a future without a baby or 2. But I'm not so sure anymore. I only imagine motherhood being fun if you have the funds and right now I don't.

We haven't broke it to Will's family. I know they're waiting. They can't press me or Will about it cause he flips out but they always make a reference to "when you have a baby" you can do this or that.

It's almost unfair how much his family wants to see us with a kid knowing we don't even have space for one in our home. Why wish financial stress on your child just cause a cute baby will visit you some weekends. I feel torn between my heart and my brain about it all the time. And Will is ALL brain so if it doesn't make sense to have one - we shouldn't. And it doesn't, not now and maybe not ever cause I'd need like double my pay to be comfortable. And no one's doubling anyone's pay right now....