Rest in Bliss Baby Girl. in Musings

My thoughts to you Sir Tyler as I knew you first… and then Miss Tyler as I knew you last.

As Frida Kahlo said “I hope the exit is joyful, and I hope never to return again”

Because this world is fucking disgusting.

I met Tyler one night at a underground, dirty gay party… I hit it off with him because he (at the time) pulled my duster out of someones dancing feet..

I was entranced by him… he was completely beautiful… he was so androgynous… I thought he was a woman… and he introduced himself to me as Tyler…

I drunkenly asked him… “So, not to be rude Tyler… but are you a male or female? and if you don’t want to answer it’s okay! and I’m so sorry if I’ve offended you!” “Well are you a male or female, Andy?” he said smirking. “I’m a proud gay man” I said looking at him. “You’re offending me” he said as he sipped his drink. “I’m sorry!” I said holding his hand. “I’m so sorry, I’m so clumsy and stupid!” I said putting my hand around his waist. “Good” he said. “This is how you treat a woman” he said putting his arm on my shoulder. “Ohhh… Okay.” I said as I held his waist. “Woman, only a woman is this much of a dick to a man” I said as I put my head on her shoulder.

He laughed… and then Tyler became a she…

She stood with me and committed carbicide with me after Alex’s break up. She talked to me about her plastic surgeries. she told me how gay men never understood that she felt like a woman. she cried to me when she got her boobs done and they hurt her.

And then there she goes…
Only a real woman could have been born a man and then transformed into a woman… only a fucking real, god damn woman could ever embody both in one in a lifetime.

she was so beautiful when I met her… and she kept her birth name, Tyler because she said “If my name was Oscar, I’d change it, but I’m Tyler and I’m a unisex type of bitch”

I woke up to a sleuth of text messages… I ignored them because I’m a dick… When I had some down time, I saw that she texted me “Andy, you’re the most handsomest, most beautiful fucking faggot I know… I love you, don’t ever change”

I read through the rest of my texts and I saw all of these messages telling me that Tyler was gone.

What the fuck do you mean she’s gone?! she texted me at 11:37 PM on Thursday…yeah she’s gone from all the cocaine, ecstasy , K and weed she’s been doing, she’s sleeping! Its fucking Saturday morning!!

She took a handful of xanax, drank a liter of stoli vanilla vodka and slit her wrists in the bathtub on Thursday and had 5 cans of empty PBR around her and a champagne flute with beer…her boyfriend found her blue in the bathroom in a blood bath…

Tyler… why?
I know I couldn’t heal your fucking pain… but at least I could’ve helped you… Why’d you leave me here alone?

I’m so angry that I feel that she was so selfish… she’s left me with a text message that says that I’m a beautiful faggot…and i’m ruminating was she telling me goodbye…or was she asking me for help…could I have helped her?!

but i can’t think that way because… i’m still living… i’m so devastated by it, but i have to keep going…

in her and i’s fashion… all i want to say is… bitch, great, so now you found a way to loose weight, but now you have two silicone bags that you ain’t pay for fully yet…and now you’re a bag of bones and we all gotta figure out which is the cheapest coffin for you!

may you find peace in the after life tyler… we’ll eat cream cheese croissants when i see you there… i’ll be skinny and flawless in Jimmy Choos and you’ll be beautiful and very every girl Marilyn Manson has ever dated…

I’ll just miss you. I hate that you’ve left me here wondering if I could’ve helped you, or if my voice or presence could’ve saved you… but fly to the moon baby girl, and I’ll see you there when my time comes. I’ll always love you. You’ll never understand how completely devastated and humbled I am by you choosing to kill yourself… We were the perfect odd couple… I’m gay and tan and you’re trans and white… i’m a liar for peoples sake and you were a no prisoners type of bitch…you cried with me when no one knew Alex was beating on me… and I was lying to everyone… you put ice on my swollen eyebrow and smiled and said “Bitch… that’s a really big cabinet that hit you” and I knew that you knew I was fucking lying. Yet you laid in my bed and held that bag of ice on my forehead… and I knew that you knew when you said “bitches like you are so rare and weird and men like Alex should get the shit beat out of him, so he knows that you’re so unique” and i think of it now that you’re fucking gone…

You bought a bottle of Veuve when I moved in to my new apartment, laid with me on the air mattress… and cheers me “to getting this apartment bitch… you fucking dirty Puerto Rican project whore!” and laughed…

I giggled nervously and toasted “Andy don’t try to pretend like I don’t know you…every bitch learns her lesson, you just wanted to learn your lesson the hard way and I was just here… putting ice on his punches…” she said as she wrapped herself around me… “bitches like you always keep the exterior clean, but the interior is always a mess”

I’m so angry that you couldn’t tell me. I’m angry at myself for not being more open. Feeling like you couldn’t trust me, feeling like you were so alone and desperate… I’ve been there to the brink of suicide… I could’ve talked you through it…I could’ve paid for an uber to your apartment and hugged you and kissed you… I could’ve told you that you were beautiful…I could’ve held you like you held me.. I could’ve… and you left me here with a bunch of “I could’ve, I should’ve”

I would’ve told you that you were a passable transexual… you looked like a woman without hormones or a boob job… You are and always will be a woman, if that’s what you felt… and yes, I don’t understand transexuality… but YES I accept it completely, chop it off, chop off your dick chop off your tits(for the rest of the transsexual community)… take hormones… be who you want to be… I don’t fucking need to understand it, I accept it purely in my heart…I never judged you or ridiculed you… You know the law of Andy… if you’re not hurting me, yourself or children… I don’t care what you do… I don’t need to understand it, I understand it enough through you and I don’t fucking care, it’s none of my god damn fucking business!!!! Fucking do what you feel is good for your own self-preservation! I don’t need to understand, I don’t need to comprehend or judge from my perception. Bitch, I like having a dick… I like being a man… but you didn’t like that… and you felt abnormal because we live in some fucked up binary society where you couldn’t exist.

I’m so incredibly hurt and guilty… I keep thinking about what she said to me....

“You’re the only one of my friends that changed your gender pronouns” she said.... “you’re fucking weird!” “Girl… shut the fuck up” I said. “No but really… everyone says I’m a man and the only man thing about me is my dick!” she said as she hugged me. “Girl, then I’m a woman… cause I don’t care about my dick. chop it off, put it in a meat grinder and serve it up with Belvedere” “You’re so fucking crazy Andy…” she said slurring wrapping her hands around my neck. “I presented myself as a woman and you were the only one that didn’t have a problem changing how you talked to me… from he to she… from a man that can go dutch on you on the bill, to saying ‘no she’s a woman, I’m a man, I’ll pay for her” she said as she kissed me on my lips… “Bitch… ew!” I said as I wiped my lips…“you are a woman and I’m a gay man and I don’t do fish” “You were immediate on how you spoke to me and behaved around me because I was a girl” she said as she hugged me. “You might’ve never understood… but you understood that I changed and you always made me feel like a girl and a little bitch and it pissed me off… but that’s the way you understand women”

Rest in Peace my beautiful princess. I hope you paid off those silicone tits and those estrogen pills. I’ll tell you now because I’m a recovering catholic… i hope that at the gates of heaven you are accepted… because in my belief, because you took you’re life, you aren’t allowed up there, but just mention my name… and I hope that my karma gets you to at least limbo. You’re not going to burn in the flames because you were a transsexual, and I don’t believe you will ever burn in hell… but I’m a recovering Catholic and you took your life and in my mind you will live in the netherworld with the sinners. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but even outside of my Catholic upbringing… I think that suicide is a crime…and in my belief “if you’re not hurting me, yourself or children, I don’t care what you do”… you hurt me, personally, you hurt yourself and hurting me is a universal way of saying you hurt so many people and made them feel so guilty.

I will pray every day for you. I know its fucked up but taking your life will send you to the pits of hell…not because you were trans, or gay, but because you were so selfish and impatient and killed yourself hoping for your spirit to be free, but you could’ve talked to me, you could’ve taken a moment to tell me, or to the hundreds of people that loved you how you felt…suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem . I’ll give you my entry to heaven for your mistake Tyler… I deserve to burn in hell… you can take my pass and all of my “selfless” acts in this world to go to heaven, I will give them to you.

May you rest in peace. May you be who you felt like you should’ve always been.. May your soul float into paradise.

I love you Tyler. I loved you. I will always love you… I’ll meet you there and we can sip on white whine and eat tons of carbs without gaining weight.

You stupid bitch. Let your soul float into heaven.

P.S.– you owe me like $1500 for that cocaine we bought… However, I’ll deduct it for the nano celine bag you lent me that now is mine, cause you’re dead…so I owe you…but fuck it let’s call it even…

Rest in eternal bliss Tyler. You left a hole in my heart and in my future… shake them silicones in the sky… closed legs don’t get fed baby girl…like you believed I was beautiful to you… you are beautiful to me.

I’m sorry that I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. I’m sorry for being angry at you… float to heaven… I hope that when you left it was happy; I hope that destiny knows that you were too beautiful to live on this earth and you don’t deserve the punishment to return…

I love you Tyler…I could’ve never been then man I am without you having been the woman you were. I’m so devastated. I can’t stop crying.

I’ll carry this nano celine bag forever… or until it goes out of style, then I’ll just throw it in the back of my closet… but I’ll carry you in my memory and try to be more open to everyone for the rest of my life. I have to keep carrying off my life without you.

xoxo

Andy