It's About Time in 2016

I fail to keep a presence here because I don’t have enough time. Time. It’s such a precious commodity. When I was younger, I would have given it away in spades. Boredom was the biggest enemy, a relentless, towering colossus. Now time is like sand, spilling between my fingers.

I remember fighting time, desperately trying to keep connections with all the friends I had gained online. I didn’t have Internet at my house the last several years of being in Michigan. Any time I could get online, my first priority was checking Open Diary or the forums I frequented. Most of those connections are long disintegrated. Even once I had the means, I didn’t maintain them. It’s been many years since I’ve spoken to so many once-dear friends. Now? Well there’s no time now, too much of it has passed.

Is it really true, though? That I don’t have time in the present? No, it’s not. There is time. There is always time. It’s all in how we use it. How we manage it. I’m admittedly pretty terrible at it.

It’s come into play more than ever with me being in school again. I find more and more ways to put off reading my books and doing my assignments until absolutely necessary. It used to be I would finish things during the week to have the weekend free for socializing. Then it became doing homework Saturday, then to after work on Sunday. Once I discovered my Technical Writing work wasn’t due until Monday night, it become Monday morning. Last week, it wasn’t finished until Monday night.

I find more ways to do what seems like nothing. Stalling myself, putting off the inevitable. I’ll browse listlessly through dating sites, rarely making any effort. Wondering what I am missing, what I had in the first place to attract my ex and keep her for as long as I did. What I need to gain to lure anyone else into my life. Many months have passed now since we parted ways. You love someone, and it adds something to you that didn’t exist before. If you lose that love, that warmth, there then going forward exists a hole that didn’t before. That wouldn’t have otherwise if they hadn’t burrowed so deeply into your marrow. Then it becomes about filling in the hole and finding someone else. That describes me, even if I theoretically don’t have the proper amount of time to devote to a relationship that I don’t have.

I’m too busy sleeping in. Getting distracted by my roommate on the occasional night that I get home before she goes to bed. Telling myself I’ll socialize and study but just being distracted by my phone and her 8th marathon of Archer.

It’s not a bad life by any means. Things have been getting better for a while. I’m still letting myself slip though. Taking on a larger burden and then finding a bigger wall to lean against to help shoulder it. Taking my time to readjust the weight.

Time. It’s always about time.