A little bit of everything so far in The ugly truth about making babies

So joey and I decided we want to start trying for a baby. I haven’t written in so long I don’t even know what was going on last time I did. We’ve been together for a year, living together for six months, and for the most part things are great. The usual ups and downs that all couples have, especially with living together, stupid bickering about who washed the dishes last and why he can never pick up after himself!

So I had my implant out at the beginning of April, a delightful occasion where the nurse hacked into my arm with a scalpel and then it bled for ages. And sent me off with a slap on the back saying congrats you’re now fertile, take your folic acid, whilst cackling like a loon.

So I’m taking the folic acid, we’re having sex, and I’ve signed up for a fertility tracker app. More to be able to track my cycle than anything. After years of being on the pill, then having the implant for 4 years, my body and hormones are all over the show, and I definitely feel more in tune with myself after 6 weeks contraceptive free.

It’s a funny one, I’ve spent 14 years trying not to get pregnant, the pill/implant etc seem the obvious choice. Now we are trying, it’s really making me think about all my previous choices, and I’ve spoken to quite a few girls in work who’ve said the same thing, if they had their time over again they really would think twice before taking the pill etc. I suppose when you’re 18, all you’re thinking about is not getting knocked up. You have no insight into what you’re doing to your body and the implications it might have when you are ready to start a family.

It’s a weird time emotionally. Knowing every time we have sex could result in a baby. And I suppose worrying that it won’t. Joey has a low sperm count, he was tested in his previous relationship, and obviously it’s something that’s a massive concern for us both.

He’s always been honest about it, he told me within a few dates after meeting, he said he wanted to be honest when he knew he wanted to keep seeing me, which I completely respect. It was something that would never have stopped me being with him. I’d never imagined meeting someone to have kids with, I’d had so many conversations with my mum about having kids on my own if I didn’t meet someone and she’d always been so supportive of that. And besides, like I said to joey at the time, I’ve never tried to have a baby, I don’t know if I can, and I’d hate that to be a factor in him deciding whether to be with me.

The fertility tracker app is a funny thing. Obviously input your data, track your cycles, it predicts your fertile window and all that. Which is fine, it’s a guide, I’m finding it useful for tracking my cycle more than anything. It’s the ‘comminity’ that gets me. I can’t even cope with all the abbreviations and terminology. Like seriously, who calls their period aunt flo?! Wishing someone baby dust, after they’ve done the baby dance? Seriously. These are grown women. You’re having sex, not doing a baby dance. You’re a bloody grown up. I can’t even cope with people posting their symptoms and asking if they’re pregnant. Do a bloody test if you think you are, the powers of random strangers on the Internet cannot predict whether you’ve conceived!

I’m general, I’d love a forum where I could have an adult conversation about what’s happening with us right now. I’m sure many women are in the same situation, where there is only so much they can talk to their partners about. There are fears I have about never conceiving due to joey’s sperm count that I just can’t talk to him about. Obviously we talk about it, but I know he feels like it’s his burden and he’s to blame. Of course I reassure him, there’s really nothing he can do about it, it is what it is, I came into this with my eyes open, he’s never hidden it from me. I hate that he feels guilty.

We’re only right at the start of this journey, I’ve literally had one period since having the implant removed. I know with each month that passes, if I don’t get pregnant, he’s going to be a loon. The stupid thing is, it takes couples with no fertility issues at all 6 months on average to conceive so there’s no point in him freaking out.

I’ve tried to be really rational with him, saying we’ll give it til the new year and if nothing has happened by then we can go to a doctor for advice on what to do next, but that’s 7 months away, we just keep trying and keep our fingers crossed in the meantime.

I think there’s quite a big part of me that’s already resigned to it not happening naturally. I think from day one when he told me about the sperm, I kind of just accepted that we’ll have to have iui or ivf, so if it does happen naturally it’s a bonus.

Xx