O.k., well maybe those ocd thoughts are not so far removed after all. It's def not as bad as it was before though. Today I had to go to the x's family Christmas party- Yeah me! NOT!!! It wasn't too bad though. I actually enjoyed being able to spend time with my little guy too so that was pretty cool.
Anyways, I spent a lot of time thinking today about something George said when we were together on Christmas Eve. First, we were kidding around about something and I said "You love me". He said "Yes, I do". That is not uncommon with us... just a little more rare since we started fooling around. But out of the blue he mentioned that I was not the only one who got attached, he said "believe me". He said "I got attached too". I really don't know why it took me so long to obsess on this. He also texted me the other night in the middle of the night and I was actually up. We have def been talking a lot more lately too. Idk... there was just something about that comment though. It was not at all prompted by me. I don't really need to prompt him for anything, really. I think the reason maybe it took me so long to focus on that comment is because I have been thinking more about something else he said. After we had messed around some but I wouldn't fuck him, he asked what we need to do to fix that, I told him he needs to keep his thing to himself. He said "I'm a grown boy..." blah blah blah. We seem to be getting further and further apart on that topic. I don't even care about that anymore, honestly. I don't care because I know that he and I simply can't be together like that anymore. We are just at two different points in our life and no matter how we feel about each other, we simply can't give each other what we need. I still just can't help but wonder with him how he feels. Does he love me as more than a friend or is it just the friendship kind of love he is feeling for me? I don't know why I even care. I know it doesn't matter. I almost hope at this point that he doesn't feel that way about me. Or maybe I do hope he feels that way about me. What I do know is that we can't be together, not the way I would need him to be, even if he was willing to commit. We could never make a relationship work between us right now and not anytime soon either. I really have no problem continuing to love him from somewhat of a distance. We were friends long before we started to move out of the friendship zone. I have no problem loving him as a friend so long as we can keep it platonic. If we keep fooling around, its going to get too hard.
Oh well, I just wanted to put that out there. Good night.