My mother set me up with a boy. in Musings

I have never experienced any of this because my mother kicked me out of my house for being gay at 14 and I lived in a homeless shelter for about 3 months, until my sister found me and I lived with her through my high school years. I was dating Stephen then and I was so absolutely sad, miserable and unloved, because he made me feel like being gay was a monstrous, selfish act when he would make me walk 5 feet behind him on our dates… I lived off of drugs, and when I tried seeking psychiatric help (because my sister felt she was watching me die, cause I didn’t eat or drink liquids) I sought help, but I was underage with my mom’s insurance and my mother denied the psychiatric claim… which is when I gave up on life and I sat in my sister’s bathroom taking capfuls of clorox, until her husband knocked down the door and I was unconscious, foaming on her bathroom floor,.

I remember paramedics dragging me out of her apartment, my sister crying hysterically and holding my hand. My insides felt like they were burning and I felt a tube shoved down my throat, IV’s injected and my sister screaming bloody murder, angry at me, angry at our mother and angry at herself. I woke up in the intensive care unit with other people screaming they wanted to die, and hallucinating and it was sad as fuck, I wanted to die, I didn’t want to exist—but I didn’t want to see other sad people like me. I was strapped down to the bed under high risk suicide watch and my sister hysterically crying, holding my my pointer finger and middle finger in her hands, which is what was out as I was strapped down to the bed. I never wanted to kill myself after seeing her that way, suicide to me was a selfish act—when I didn’t succeed in dying. My mother showed up at the brink of dawn— and she cried hysterically as I was semi-conscious getting pumped with more activated charcoal, having my stomach pumped. You can’t throw up clorox because it risks destroying the mucous membranes, I had 4 capfuls and it was the worst experience of my life.

So having my mother set me up with a man, was bizarre. I almost killed myself because she rejected me.

This man was shorter than me, about my age. He was clearly Puerto Rican. It was hard for me to understand that my mother liked him as a person and found him worthy as a suitor for me.

“Andres! Baby… this is Esteban” she said as she grabbed my hand. “He Puerto Rican, he lives downstairs, he helps me with my groceries sometimes, and he’s gay…like you!” she said putting my hand in his.
I looked at her confused and he smiled really hard at me. “I’ve seen pictures of you, but Mrs. Nery forgot to tell me that you are gorgeous” he said as he shook my hand and put his other hand over mine. “Thank you, nice to meet you” I said pulling my hand out of his “she also forgot to tell me that this wasn’t going to be a mother/son dinner” I said as I walked behind my mother as a shield. “Don’t you dare embarrass me Andres Jesus Maldonado!” my mother said looking at me angrily “You might be old with a trillion dollars but you’re not too old for me to beat the fuck out of you!” she said ripping me from behind her and standing pulling me to her front “I don’t fucking care how old, how much money you make, how many businesses you own I will beat you! Be polite and keep humble!” she said squeezing my wrist so hard, I felt my hand about to rip off. “Yes mami” I said lowering my head “I’m sorry” I said feeling my face swelling red. “Practice what I’ve taught you and apply it!” she said to me letting go of my wrist “I didn’t raise a pretentious little shit, you understand me?!” she said.
I kept my head lowered, embarrassed. “Huh?! Do you understand me, I asked!” she said pushing my chin up. “Yes Mami, I understand” I said. “Ok! I hope your hungry, because I made you food” she said as she walked away from me to the kitchen.

Esteban looked at me and smiled. “You’re a good boy, huh?” he said “So you’re handsome, you respect your mother, and you’re Puerto Rican—so why aren’t you married?” he said laughing.

“Mind your business” I said as I walked to the dinner table “I will be cordial with you because I respect my mother” I said as I pulled out a chair and sat in it. “Oh really?” he said laughing “You’re just like Mrs. Nery. Like Mother like son, you have no filter” he said as he sat at the chair next to mine. “I should’ve known you were a spitfire, you being the son of Mrs. Nery” he said leaning into me “You’ll grow to like me, let me guess” he said licking his lips “you don’t date Latino men” he said nodding his head up and down “You date white men exclusively, ‘cause some Boricua in your past or some Spanish nigga stifled you so now you’re a little white acting Latino, you’re not exactly a gold-digger but you’re not willing to settle down with a dude that just make 75k a year” he said as he gripped his chin. “I don’t date Latino men because they are disgusting machista assholes” I said as I crossed my leg over my knee “And there’s no ‘spanish’ nigga that makes 75K a year that doesn’t feel intimidated and emasculated by me” I said “SO Papito, you might be cute, and I’m being respectful because my mother thinks your nice, but I eat men like you for brunch” I said as I stood up, as my mother brought me a plate of food.
As she went back for his plate, he said “Well, not to be tacky bro, but I make a good amount of money so you can just sit at home and be pretty and you don’t intimidate me, and I don’t feel ‘emasculated’ by you one bit, but I can see through you” he said clasping his hands at the table as we both stood up when my mother came into the room putting down his plate and her plate on the table.
I ran to pull the chair out for my mother and he beat me to it and said “It’s good Andy, I got it” “It’s so good to have real men in my house” my mother said as she sat down “It makes me proud that even though your a gay man Andy, that you have enough sense to stand up and pull a chair out for a woman” she said putting her hands together to pray. “Thank you Lord Christ for allowing me to have this meal, allowing me to be strong enough to raise such a handsome and sweet man, also thank you for putting Esteban in my path because I could not be able to carry this food to my apartment without him… Also please continue to bless my son, he’s had a hard life and works extremely hard to put food on my table, provide for my home and have his home, may he be guided by you, not for me Good Lord, but so that he can progress in his destiny, I will confess and repent that I am too proud of my son, may he be blessed with love, success and happiness. Amen!” she said as I watched tears coming out her eyes. “I know you’re scared that I will forget you Andy, but not even God himself with this fucking Alzheimer’s will ever, ever make me forget how good, generous and stupidly kind you are” she smiled.

After our dinner. My mom kicked us both out.

“Go have fun! Have drinks! I don’t want you in my house! I fed you both!” she said.

I went to grab my jacket and she stood behind me and said “Andy, I know you’re heart broken with this divorce, that fucking car accident with that loser Luiz, but listen to me” she said grabbing my face in her hands. “This guy, he’s not a loser. He’s good” she said kissing my cheek “Mami would never steer you wrong, I want a man for you that doesn’t make you hide drugs in your apartment” she said swiping her thumbs over my eyes. “I don’t want to leave this world without me knowing that you have someone to take care of you” she said as her lips quivered “Your scared that I’ll forget you…and I’m scared that you will be alone and lost, you understand?” she said as she hiccuped to cry. “I know he’s shorter than you, I know he’s Puerto Rican and you’re a primadonna” she said laughing “But he’s good”

“Okay!” I said pulling out kleenex out of my bag “Go to sleep Mami, that glass of wine was too much for you!” I said ripping out a tissue paper and wiping her eyes.

I said good night to my mother and Esteban said good night to her. I heard her latch the door and heard her tiny foot steps turn off the lights to the apartment and call her cats to her bedroom. I put my key in the door and tried to open it as I do usually and felt relieved that she had the chain on the door and re-closed the door, and it made me feel better about everything when I shut her door closed.

Esteban watched me and held my bag, for the 10 minutes that I held my ear to her door. “Man, you’re beyond beautiful” he said as I grabbed my bag out of his hand. “I’ve hear all those lines before Esteban” I snarled. “Nah! Fuck you!” he said walking in front of me “A man that takes care of his mother like you deserves to be catered to! Not many guys give a fuck about there moms!” he said as I continued to walk. “Great. So you have different ammo, you’re just like all the other dudes, except that my mother seems to like you” I said “How much do you want for helping my mother get her groceries and helping her when you see her?” I said digging for my wallet. “Wow!” he said looking at me “I expected a strong, rough spitfire guy” he said pulling the door open for me leading to the stoop. “But you’re a fucking typical little pretty faggot” he said snarling. “Listen, I probably make more money than you. So suck my dick bro” he said as he walked down the stoop stairs.

After probably 10 seconds of thinking. I realized I was pushing him away because he was so enamored by me, and so smitten by meeting me…no other guy I’ve talked to is that way. I ran behind him and then tumbled over a fenced off tree. I landed on my ass and I felt so embarrassed.

He giggled and knelt down, and said “karma is a bitch papi, you try to knock niggas down and you’re the one that ends up on his ass” he said as he grabbed my hand and pulled me up.

“Yeah okay” I said rolling my eyes. “See I like that about you” he said as he pulled my leather jacket together “I like that you’re bitchy” he said swiping my shoulders “I expected that, I know your moms!” he said laughing “But that faggoty cunty bullshit, I’m not down with that, you feel me?”

So I ended up having a drink with him in some ghetto bar in Washington Heights. We talked for hours and hours. I let my guard down and he didn’t make me feel like I needed to impress him the way that I feel with most men I date. He had no clue that I was carrying a Birkin bag, he had no idea that the bottom soles of my shoes were red, he had no clue that or care that I was wearing my diamond engagement rings. He was real, and I don’t know how to explain that. Most men I date know and see that I’m a high maintenance, expensive cunt and are privvy to the world that I engage myself in, but he was unaware of it, unaware of it completely. Which was bizarre to me because he’s super successful in the advertising department at a pharmaceuticals company. Then again it makes sense, because the things that I waste my money on he spends on traveling and experiences, rather than rent, designer clothing and taxi rides.

So maybe Esteban is a good guy. Its strange to me that my mother picked him out. I walked out of the bar and I was really drunk, and I spent the night at his apartment, literally one building over from my mother’s.

He told me to sleep in his bed and he’d sleep on the sofa. I was drunk and pushed on him a little, but he gave me pajamas and laid in bed with me, kissed me and said “I want to fuck you so bad, but I want you to be alert. I know your moms bro!” he said standing up and leaning in to kiss me “if you’re half as crazy, I’m in some deep shit if I just fuck it up with you” he laughed as he pushed my hair off my forehead, kneeled down and kissed me “besides you’re too gorgeous and all I got for me is these hazel eyes” he said swiping his thumb over my lips.

I fell asleep.

I woke up to birds chirping.
I heard him rustling in the kitchen at 7 AM.

I woke up to clattering of dishes as he laid next to me with eggs, bacon, turkey bacon, tofu bacon, fake egg whites. “I didn’t see you eat meat at your moms, I thought you were a weird vegan, vegetarian, so this side is vegan, I bought it just now and this is real” he said as he turned on the tv in his room. “I’m not vegetarian” I said my voice hoarse. “Aight, well that’s real bacon papi” he said as he put a strip of it in his mouth in his sweat pants.
I sat up in bed and he kept staring directly at the tv. “I feel like shit. I look like shit” I mumbled. “You look fucking hot to me” he said staring at the tv with as the news played.

“Haha. Whatever, Esteban” I said holding my plate eating bacon with the toast. He glanced over at me, took the plate out of my hand and kissed my chest. “It’s whatever nigga?” he said kissing my shoulders. “Don’t whatever me!” he said as he sat on top of me “don’t–“he dug his fingers in my ribs “whatever” he said as I squirmed from tickling “me! you heard me!” he said as he pulled me into his arm pit and kissed the top of my head.

“STOP!” I whined. “I need to eat” I said as I reached over for the plate of food. “stttooooooop” he mimicked me “blah-blah im pretty blah blah” he said pulling the plate to my hand and putting a strip of bacon in my mouth. “blah-blah-blahhhhh”he said teasing me.

So he called out of work.
I called out of work.

I spent my day with him.
He cooked for me.
He cuddled with me.
He kissed me.
He hand fed me.
He massaged me.

I wanted to have sex with him…
but he stopped me every time.
I didn’t see him naked.
He didn’t see me naked.

We kissed.
Like we were in high school.
I felt like I was with the ghetto guy who I had a crush on.

thanks mom…i guess?