4:40 PM
I don’t understand, nothing is right and I cannot predict my mood. For the last week and a half I have felt nothing no emotions except for nothingness and the occasional anger moments from video games but really just a whole lot of nothingness. The first day I remember being happy about it, that I could not feel my heart for a change and it just went on and on and on and yesterday I started feeling a little depressed but it didn’t last long and now I feel nothing again. I cannot feel my heart anymore I remember when I went to my doctor and I had scribbled stuff on the back of the emotions paper talking about different sides to me and that side that is anti-social and doesn’t feel anything and he just said that is who I am and it confused me, but now I see that is me. When I feel nothing or numb I usually just don’t care about anyone else I keep my thoughts to myself of course but I don’t really feel love or any emotional attachment.
This is both a blessing and a curse, maybe my wish to feel nothing ever again was granted heh. When I say I feel nothing all day it isn’t 100% accurate I feel small bits of emotion (excluding anger) here and there throughout a day but for the most part I don’t feel anything nothing really ends up satisfying me, I went to a movie today for example Batman v Superman and usually I would enjoy the experience but the whole time I was just bored and it was a good movie I just didn’t feel anything from it. Maybe I should cut myself again to feel something besides nothing, anger, and boredom. I stopped and got gas after the movie and I used my card to pay which I never do so I didn’t know if I was ok or I had to go and get money back and I had to wait for the lady to get out of the bathroom because the guy at the register was new, I thought about trying to get some Vodka while I was there because the guy was new but decided against it, I need to wait and I can drink all I want in january of next year. When I came home I discovered I have been summoned for Jury duty >:( of course, why not? Now on the 25th I have to be at the courthouse at 8:30 in the damned morning, I hardly ever get up before 12:30 in the afternoon <:( damnit damnit damnit. If only death note were real I would take up the task and rid the world of criminals.
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