Sunday April 10th, at 11:00 PM
I know this sounds stupid as before I wished that I could feel nothing all the time but I think my depression finally kicked it as I could feel my heart I felt depressed and happy at the same time but just as I wrote this I started feeling nothing again, it might go up and down I suppose, I was playing with my knife and legit almost cut my finger off :O and I cut myself again I press pretty hard and drag the blade slowly across my arm loving every bit of the pain and also for some reason I like to burn myself with cigarettes there is a dark spot where I burnt myself once but it was the first time I burnt myself so I didn’t press that hard and right next to it is a scar from the 2nd burn mark and now I have a blister under the two of them from the 3rd mark and this time I really liked the pain of the burn.
I am also having a lot of suicidal thoughts and honest I really do want to kill myself. I found this page http://www.nderf.org/NDERF/NDE_Archives/NDERF_NDEs.htm about near death experiences and I read a lot of them and they really took away the fear I had about where I would go after I died because it seems a lot had found some sort of peace before their spirit was put back in their bodies. I played a game with my friends for about 5 hours today and it was fun but honestly I really don’t feel anything connecting me to this earth besides my mother that is worth living for.
I stopped writing and started listening to some sad music to help push in my depression, I have more suicidal thoughts when I am not feeling anything at all because I feel I have nothing to live for. I started thinking about my last statement that only my mother tied me to earth and then I started feeling depressed in my heart that very familiar emotional pain and in my head the last bit of my numbness flowed out saying that I really don’t care about anybody besides my mother and then it reminded me that earlier when I was helping my mother get in bed because she got so sick I just thought that i didn’t even feel anything, scared, sad, nothing not even love and that I loved no one and felt no emotional connection with anyone and I could have sworn in my head I heard a voice from my heart just yell NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! and that’s when my depression entered my brain, right now they are fighting each other and I don’t know what to feel. but it makes me happy that there is a side to me that cares because that voice yelling no! made my heart fill with a little joy. Honestly you don’t know how happy that voice made me when it finally broke out of it’s lockbox and broke the hold my numbness had on me. and also thank you for those that have commented I read and take all comments to heart even if I don’t/cannot reply to them. just know that I have not given up yet!
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