FUCK YOU. in Musings

The worst day of my life probably wasn’t today, but it was a close second.

As an investor and manager of the salon I work in, I had to fire two people. Which isn’t the worst thing that I have done, however, it’s pretty terrible when these two people working in my salon were drug addict, drunks. I can’t afford having a client have a bad experience. I had one a client that has been my client for the past 8 years tell me that she was disgusted by the way that my business is being carried and that she has never had the type of service that was provided to her by one of my employees.

This isn’t the first time that it has happened. And yes, I know I live in New York with some of the biggest bitches, but I also am very aware that the guy that I recommended to her on my depression hiatus, marriage, etc. was so drunk that he turned her hair fire engine red, instead of sandy, cream blonde. When she came in today to have it redone with me, I was baffled at the type of work that had gone in to her hair, and how he got fire engine red from her hair is still a mystery.

I left the salon exhausted. My best friend just became engaged so I set up an appointment for us at a nail salon. I had exactly $1248 in a 35CM Birkin bag. My phone, my debit card, my credit cards and that cash was stashed away in my wallet.

The salon I used is a really fancy, schmancy place. I just felt it wasn’t my scene and on top of that, not to be corny, because I’m not saying I’m psychic, zen, need my crystals recharged and my chakras realigned, I had a really bad vibe out of this salon. I went in for our appointments.

My friend is super friendly and I’m exhausted and put my bag next to me on the table. I give the man my hands and he goes off on his manicure. I lay my head down from the emotional and physical exhaustion, he rubs some oil on my fingers and I’m told that I need to move down stations.

I look up and I shrug and agree, but as I am about to grab my bag I think ‘this guy just put a whole bunch of garbage on my hands and I don’t want to leak it on my bag’, so this woman tells me “Don’t worry, I’ll walk it over to you”

This was the SECOND Red Light. I should listen to my intuition. I move down. My friend is so happy about her engagement. I’m trying to stay awake. I see this woman grab my bag, which mind you is a 15k bag that Alexander’s Aunt bought for me, and starts talking to someone.

I’m too exhausted to pay attention. I assume they do what my employees do at my salon, carry your bag to you. WRONG!

As I’m ready to leave I have my phone in my jacket I see it’s almost 10 PM. I’m trying to calculate tip and service charges. I go in my bag, my wallet is missing. I freak out, because the wallet holds all my fucking life and I remember pulling out a paper at the front desk of the nail salon for a voucher.

I start freaking out even more because I had $1200 dollars in that wallet.

So I start a fucking riot.

You are not stealing my money. I am from the ghetto and I will be the first one to say that I am drunk and a hot mess, I deserve to lose that money. But I didn’t drink. I ask to see there security cameras and the manager who walked my bag over to me tells me “We don’t have any”

so I flip out and say “So these cameras all over the salon aren’t active, I don’t believe you”

The cops were involved the security cameras were opened and low and behold the fucking manager bitch had taken my wallet in her pocket.

So now I’m pressing charges.

Bitch just because I look like a little dumb, Latino twink with an expensive purse doesn’t mean I will just give up $1200 freely.

I started crying it was the worst day of my life.

That fucking little mid-western skank hick. I would have rather her take my whole entire bag, worth more than what was inside the bag itself.

Gerry was so upset about the whole situation and she started crying, I feel like such a white woman cunt that maybe I will escalate the damages and have it include the distress my friend and I had because I had no money to pay for anything.

The embarrassment at 10 PM having all these women look at me in a nail salon as if I was some sort of drunk, crazy, ghetto homo.

Some days it’s easy to be clean and sober. but days like this I want to just shove dust up my nose and fuck it all.

how dare that white mid-western bitch not think i was unaware of my belongings. how dare she break that trust from her patron. how dare she think that i was some sort of dumb, rich faggot. Bitch, I would never spend that much money on a fucking bag to hold my wallet, keys and cigarettes.

with my bag in tow and the cops looking at me like i was inspector gadget. the fucking emotional turmoil of just wanting to do something nice with my friend and for my friend.

i sent gerry off in an uber home.

and alexander picked me up from the nail salon. and it made me sick to think i was some desperate housewife and he didn’t question anything. he just held me as i cried.

$1248 is half of my fucking rent to live in a 500 sq ft apartment in NYC, i don’t live in a fucking penthouse, i don’t live in a shit hole either. i might look like a rich bitch, but i know where my money is and where it goes, but i bust my fucking ass and hustle to afford that apartment, my fucking body hurts from doing so many clients a day to meet my quota. i pay my rent, my mother’s rent and a commercial space.

I don’t know why God is so evil to me. I try my hardest and try to understand and be passive and think that he has a plan for me. I’m making my destiny.

i have nice things because i fucking have dedicated my life to never going back to that life that my mother killed herself over. But I feel like God keeps ripping me back to make me even more humble, but i’m fucking sick of it.

Fucking Christ! Was I Marie Antoinette in my past life? Do I deserve to be badgered in love and continually prove myself?

Did I scream out, in my past life, “Let them eat cake!” out of the palace windows?

I’ve done my Catholic duties. I donate so much money to abused women’s shelters. I give so much away and everything is always so wrong for me… does Karma actually exist, not that I want it! but if i put something nice in the world as much as I can, I don’t expect it back, but I do expect a nudge saying “hey kid it’s good enough, you don’t have to suffer anymore”

i feel like my well-off friends are so selfish and cringe-worthy and their lives are 1000% better than mine. Should I just be a fucking bitch?Fuck those homeless women shelters! Withdrawal and do for myself?

Alex took me home. I didn’t want to be by myself.
I didn’t want Luiz.
I didn’t want Shane.
I wanted my best friend to be there.

And so he slept on the floor of my apartment.

The same thing came out of his mouth “You’re a fucking alien in this world, you give so much and expect shit” he said as he pulled off his shoes and pants. “You let the guy who beat you sleep on your floor, I never knew what you meant by ‘I can never have you, just accept I will always be around you’ more than tonight” he said as he laid on the floor and kissed my hand “your fucking weird and maybe this is your limbo”

I’m not saying im fucking mother teresa. i hate kids. i’m impatient. i’m irrational. i’m impulsive and compulsive.

but maybe it’s time to be more about me. stop being such a trusting little faggot.

by 1 AM Alexander was in my bed, holding me.

the thing that broke me to shreds was that he’s in a relationship now with this chris guy. So now you’re in bed with your ex husband?

I’m not from this world… maybe I belong to the sea.

I belong to the sea.

I fell asleep in his arms. He ran off to work in the morning to change.

I woke up refreshed, but lonely.

it might not make sense to anyone, but me. and it doesn’t make sense to me either.

and trust me i’ve looked at Stockholm syndrome. and the relationship the abused has with the abuser. i’m not a stupid, pretentious little concierge, white glove, living the life type of gay boy.

but those descriptions don’t really pertain to me.
i had too strong of a self-confidence.
I might have thought I was ugly, but then I snapped out of it.
I might have thought I was not good enough but I realized I was good enough.
I might have been bloody nosed, bruised faced and scared, but I was angry and sad that I allowed myself to become this nobody, and that made me sadder and angrier.

and yet here i am. i’m not sad that i’m letting alexander back in my life. i’m sad that i’ve wasted my life just coasting in everyone else’s thoughts of me.

as if i’m just passing.
literal passing.
Nella Larsen wrote about passing as a white woman…i’m writing and living passing as someone else’s submissive asshole.

maybe i’m not pretty.
maybe people flock to me because i know people. i wear expensive shit. i live an expensive life. maybe people think of me as some sort of stepping stone to get out…
but maybe, just maybe… i’m the most smartest, luckiest, boy and i’ve coasted my advantages in that small scale of just existing and NOW I need to move forward.

I’m sorry I fired those two people.
I’m sorry that woman was arrested for larceny, lord knows if she has children.
I’m sorry that Alex came back in my life and I’m probably destroying Luiz’s heart.
I’m so fucking sorry…but what I’m sorry for is that I want to live my fucking life.

i like Luiz and he’s good to me, but personality wise he just thinks that I’m some prissy, rich asshole. But it’s not the case. I just busted my ass to be better than section 8 project housing.
I like Shane and he chose to betray his best friend to be with me. But it’s not my fucking fault that he wanted to be with me, obviously your loyalty wasn’t with Alex.

I don’t care if you can’t make your rent because I fired you.
I don’t care if you can’t feed those kids, I presume, because you were arrested for stealing my money and wallet and being caught on camera’s that you said you didn’t have.
I’m sorry if you think that Alex is bad for me, I don’t give a shit of what type of person you think I am. I’m such a good person. But I’ve learned that no one gives a fuck about being a good person.

I’m sick and tired of being sorry.

I let people take away my happiness because it makes them happy.

I’m breaking out of this prison. and fuck everyone and anyone that allows me to coast by in my life.

And fuck humility. I am an amazing hair stylist and I was an amazing editor. and i was an amazing novelist. and i don’t give a fuck if you believed in me or not. I am a smart boy…and everything ive done is smart.

FUCK YOU.
I’m tired of limbo.
I’m fucking amazing—in more ways than you will ever understand.