I Can't Remember What Hashtags Do Here in I Can't Believe It's Not Twitter™... Spray!

(So I wrote them out in longhand.)

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Boss [whenever asked about plans, scheduling, etc.] “Let me rub my magic lamp…”
Me [in my head]: “That’s NOT how magic lamps WORK!…“

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If most people’s ideas are represented by a lightbulb over their head, mine are represented by a turn signal. Or possibly hazard lights.

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Scientists have determined that everyone seems to die no matter what they recommend, so like, do whatever, they’re not the boss of you.

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“You’ve really gotta hand it to him.” [hashtag]JugglerInsults

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[hashtag]RuinAnOldSaying “If at first you don’t succeed, then you’re part of the problem.”

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Just once I want to see an ad for “Door Buster Deals” that are just affordable large logs with iron handles.

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Dear charities: for maximum show of good stewardship, maybe don’t mail donation requests on high-quality stock with gold emboss letterhead.

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You can’t spell “significant event” without “I can’t even.”

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Vending machines don’t kill people, people who don’t understand physics kill people.

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Suggestion for gas stations: a little tray with a sign that reads “Have A USB Cord? Give A USB Cord. Need A USB Cord? Take A USB Cord.”

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If I read the phrase “semantic satiation” long enough, it starts to look like gibberish.

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Dear websites, services, and apps: I am never giving you my phone number, so please just stop asking for it.

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Y’know, for a race of beings who are supposedly masters of time and space, Time Lords sure do suck at recognizing self-fulfilling prophecy.

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“Godzilla: Resurgence” sounds like an energy drink.

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There’s nothing like the twinkle in the eye of a small child who learns there’s a dog called a Shih Tzu, and that they’re allowed to say it.

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Whenever someone says “There’s literally no reason to [whatever],” I reply, “Well, there literally are reasons. Just not good ones.”

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Most Internet complaints, when boiled down to their essence, can be summarized as, “There are too many people not like me on the Internet.”

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UnnecessarySayings: “Wish me luck.” So, not only are you hoping for random chance but you want it to hinge on my wish-fulfillment abilities?

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Infinitives are like Applebees entrees: you might get away with splitting one, but if you make a habit of it, someone’s gonna say something.

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Somewhere in a quiet alley, a regional dairy distributor is handing over a briefcase of money to a local weather forecaster.

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I’ve been chosen as a potential candidate for in the upcoming edition of the National Register’s “Women of Distinction” for 2016. o_O

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[hashtag]EulogyDosAndDonts There’s a time and a place for T-shirt guns.

[hashtag]EulogyDosAndDonts Your final words shouldn’t be “If you liked this eulogy, please consider supporting my Kickstarter at eulogizer dot com.”

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One thing I like about brick-and-mortar stores is if I decide not to buy something, they don’t email me asking why not. [hashtag]ImLookinAtYouNewEgg

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Dear Whoever It Is That Makes The Looping Silent Videos Out Of Animated GIFs of Short Videos: Please stop.

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Last week I discovered two things happen when I drastically reduce my caffeine intake:
1. I feel less anxious
2. I make WAY more mistakes.

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[hashtag]WordsThatDontDescribeHillary Mesolithic, jewel-encrusted, ermine-like, grape-flavored, Thor-shaped, translucent and World’s Greatest Uncle.

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Me: “I’m going to eat healthier in 2016!”
McDonald’s: “McDouble and a small fry, only two bucks.”
Me: “I’m going to eat healthier in 2017!”

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Hey there, video that starts with “Make Sure Your Sound Is Turned On.” You do realize I’m now morally obligated to watch you muted, right?

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When working on a PC, be sure to ground yourself. I just take a deep breath and say “Okay, I can do this. I’ve done it before. No big deal.”

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“Oh, I’m a very good man, just… a very bad wizard.” - Oz sums up the problem of occupational rationalization and moral relativism.

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Some time I would like to see an art critic fill out one of those “How Many Things Can You Find Wrong With This Picture?” puzzles.

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::long uncomfortable silence::
Me: “Okay, can I just say, that is the nicest, most well-behaved room elephant I’ve ever seen?”

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Your eyes say “yes” but your mouth says “Dude. Stop it. My eyes don’t talk. You need to listen to what comes out of my mouth, okay? Thanks.”

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A slightly lesser known test than the Gob Jabbar, the Gah Jabbar was just a dark box filled with cold pasta and peeled grapes.

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The thing I hate most about “horror” is trying to pronounce the word clearly enough so that people know what I’m not saying.

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[hashtag]BetterWaysToElectPOTUS Inject candidates with sodium pentathol and ask them pointed questions about their reasons for running.

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‘’I made this puppymonkeybaby monster to please you… but I get the feeling that you don’t like it, what’s with all the screaming?” [hashtag]JoCo

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One problem I have with modern technology is how now being unreachable is considered rude, when it used to be 50% or more of your existence.

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It may be a rather short-lived diet plan, but the “I Have A Cold So Eating Holds No Enjoyment Whatsoever” diet is effective while it lasts.

Last updated February 10, 2016