Find A Way in 2016

I’m broke. It’s annoying. I feel like I don’t spend that much, and I definitely don’t really go out and do anything fun, but I’m still a little short for my car insurance after rent. I did a little driving earlier today, I stopped home to nap and then after being back out my stomach hurt so I went back to rest. I’m going to try getting up relatively early in the morning and trying to get some rides in then before work.

I feel like nothing is going my way lately. Work has been really stressful, even worse this week since one person is on vacation. Just one, but it makes a big difference because our staffing is so anemic. I went to PCC to talk to an advisor about next term only to find that they are closed for advising, but only today. What? Even when I was walking from my car to the apartment, my grocery bag ripped and a gallon of orange juice fell and exploded. Just, like…goddammit. I feel like I’m treading water. So far this year is still about surviving and not thriving. My work schedule changed and I close Thursdays even though I said I need that off for wrestling. I guess it doesn’t matter this month, I’m broke and apparently they’re moving to a different venue, so the ring is packed up right now anyway.

It’s really hard not to think about how things were better a year ago. Chris had just left the apartment, so it was more expensive, but peaceful. Things were progressing with Mayumi and in a couple weeks would have been our one year anniversary if we had kept dating. I still felt like I had reliable friends. I still had more hope, I suppose. I just was happier.

I was a little social over the weekend. I responded to some craigslist post on Saturday night from some girl wanting someone to go with her to some bar/club in Hillsboro. It was okay enough, half was a typical bar and half was a dance space with lighting and whatnot. We talked most of the time in the bar since the music was so loud in the club part. Eventually it was time to close, so we went back to my place for a couple hours and then I dropped her off. It was fine enough for what it was. She’s not really my type, and I don’t think I am hers either. I don’t regret going of course, and being intimate with someone is always nice. It’s been hard to maintain my confidence, but honestly I seem to do okay for myself in person with women. It’s just that I’m so rarely in a position to meet them where it makes sense to progress things, or it’s time spent trying to message them online, which seems like a joke. I think a lot of people online are too flaky, or their inboxes are simply flooded from so many damned guys messaging them. I feel like I should just give up for now, it seems fruitless.

Plus, I’m in love with Courtney, so there’s also that. She texted me Sunday saying I should come hang out with her, Katrina and Noah at Noah’s cousin’s place. I was kind of annoyed that she will stand me up or make excuses not to come hang out with Ella and I(her birthmas presents have been sitting there for over a month). Of course I went, because I am a sucker. It was the typical insanity I would expect from hanging out with Noah’s family. Everyone was drunk, there was a ton of homemade food(Cambodian, I hadn’t tried it before, it was okay but not quite my type), loud music and dancing insanely. They had me try a chicken foot, I guess that’s common in Cambodian culture. It was quite spiced, super fatty and kind of gross, I coughed/choked when I bit into it, haha. They said it would have been rude to refuse, couldn’t tell if they were pulling my leg or not.

It must be nice to be that close to your family. They all party all the time, several of them live together, I’ve seen it before hanging out with Noah. I can’t relate to that, not at all. Even when I lived in Michigan I couldn’t. Courtney and I were really flirty. She was drunk I think when I got there but then she sobered up. Somehow we got to talking about her hair and she said it used to be a lot longer. She showed me a picture that seemed to be a couple years old of her with long hair…and also no shirt or bra. Geezus! She showed me some others too. Sometimes I think she is just a harmless flirt, but no. She totally wants it. I don’t know if her feelings are as strong as mine, but shit, seeing that is not going to help, haha. If there weren’t so many people around, I might have kissed her, but I didn’t. She had this mood ring on(no wedding ring, which she doesn’t wear at work either, hmm…) and we were joking about it. Whenever I held her hand to look at it, it would turn dark blue. I looked it up, and dark blue means “Deeply Relaxed, Happy, Lovestruck, Bliss, Giving” according to the one site I checked briefly. Still. Shit. Well, I did say this year was going to be full of slow-burning sexual tension between her and I, and that’s definitely happening. We’ll see if she goes with us to the Metric show on the 19th. I bought her a ticket, but will she commit to going? I’m sure a few questions will be answered that day.