The Sadness of the Swamps in 2016

Thank you for all the notes. They have been helpful. Quite a few of my friends in Medford messaged me also asking how I was doing. They all knew her too, though most weren’t as close to her as I was, if any.

It’s helped me to realize the role I have had when friends and family have been dealing with death, which hasn’t been great. Usually I wouldn’t say anything, feeling so awkward and helpless. I used to be so terribly afraid of death, the mere thought popping into my head at night would rob me of sleep for hours. The notion of mortality is still not easy to accept, but it is what it is. Really, there’s not much you can do to help someone who is grieving, and that’s okay. Simply offering support and asking how they are doing is still helpful. I understand it now.

I kind of blocked it out during the week. I was so miserable at work and became increasingly sick, it was all I could do to keep my head down and just get through the day. The other managers largely avoid me like the plague, only really saying hi if I pass them in the back during a break. I don’t even check in with them before or after a shift, so I suppose I’m calling their bluff on being a phlebotomist 100% of the time. I’ve been mostly in bed when not at work, and sleeping a lot. I suppose it was pretty obvious that I wasn’t myself at work, I just didn’t care. I didn’t figure anyone else did either.

I didn’t check Facebook for several days, when I got on yesterday there were a few more messages from people checking in on me. I read the messages left on Cass’ wall and left one myself, and it definitely started sinking in. That was interrupted by a call from Courtney. She had texted asking if I was okay a couple days earlier, I said I was fine and figured that was it. I guess she texted more after that but my phone didn’t show an alert, probably because it seems to be on its last legs. I sent one last night saying that things actually were terrible and figured that was that, but then she called. We talked for quite a while. I felt a lot better afterward. It sounds like a lot of it is just the managers being stressed and taking it out on me, as I guess they have done that to her a lot. I thought that things were rough, but that we were doing okay…but the more I hear, the more it seems that morale is in the gutter and a lot of people are looking for new jobs. I can be counted in that too at this point.

I needed her Sunday, and she kind of blew me off, but I really needed that phone call, even if I didn’t know it, so I guess she’s okay. Maybe she is different from the rest. Like she said, it doesn’t really matter if people don’t like me or think I’m doing a good job, I know that I am and it seems like most of the regular folks think the same thing. She always is able to pull me out of whatever funk I’m in. I guess that’s why I’m in love with her, which is really inconvenient, but whatever.

Speaking of such things, I have a coffee date with a girl from Tinder on Sunday night. Hopefully that will be a thing. I may go out drinking with Ella and her co-workers after that since they all have the day off on Monday. We’ll see.

So, this is my Saturday. Laying in bed recovering. With a lot to think about, as always. My friend was always so fired up about everything. She tried to bring people together and to make them happy, even at her own expense. That’s how I’ve been a lot, even if I have lost that at times. Perhaps the best way to honor her memory is to keep those traits alive in myself. The bitterness is there of course, I just need to use it as motivation, as tempting as it always is to give in to it. And I am motivated, maybe more than ever. I’m tired of people I trusted stealing my self-esteem and crapping on me. If I was feeling better, I’d be at the gym right now, bettering myself to spite them. Of course, there are a lot of people who have never abused my trust, who always support me. I shouldn’t turn my back on those people either. Looks like there are quite a few bookmarks to catch up on too, which is never a bad thing.